User:Flyer2004/Adela Pankhurst/Bsbaiti Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Flyer2004


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Flyer2004/Adela Pankhurst


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Adela Pankhurst

Evaluate the drafted changes

 * 1) First, what does the article do well? Is there anything from your review that impressed you? Any turn of phrase that described the subject in a clear way?
 * 2) The depth of information is very good, and it places the events into a clear historical context. It also does a very good job at mirroring the narrative structure of the existing text (especially with the "In 1917, Adela ..." transition).
 * 3) I really liked the information surrounding PM Billy Hughes' ultimatum, I think it's very important to her life and what she stood for, so it's a really good addition to the article.
 * 4) What changes would you suggest the author apply to the article? Why would those changes be an improvement?
 * 5) Consider merging the following sentences, "During this period of remand, she married her husband Tom Walsh. Reverend Fredrick Sinclaire married the couple on September 30, 1917."
 * 6) I'm not sure if it's necessary to name the reverend who married the couple, unless his name comes up elsewhere or is otherwise important to Pankhurst's story.
 * 7) Knowing the date that the couple was married, however, is very good information.
 * 8) This wording is unclear: "Upon being released in January of 1918, Adela and Tom moved  from Melbourne and Sydney"
 * 9) Should this say from Melbourne to Sydney?
 * 10) Consider revising this sentence: "A petition was signed by other suffragettes advocating on behalf of her release, but it was ineffective and she served her full sentence"
 * 11) Rephrase the first clause to active voice to improve clarity.
 * 12) Minor inconsistency: " Richard (born 1918), Sylvia (born 1920), Christian (born 1921), Ursula (born 1923), and Faith (born and died 1926)"
 * 13) Why is the death data given for Faith, but nobody else?
 * 14) What's the most important thing the author could do to improve the article?
 * 15) Minor inconsistencies in style and grammar, but the information and overall structure are very good!