User:Freybentos/sandbox

Torkington Park is an area of land South East of Hazel Grove in Stockport and is roughly 1.2km² is size. (13.70 hectares [33.85 acres]) - 12.85 acres of that being covered in dog excrement. Torkington Park is the main park in the Hazel Grove area and the home of the Secret Garden where it has been known for the local youngsters to browse the great variation of vegetation and smoke some of their own vegetation in the form of a spliff. The formal flower garden is a great place to walk round when wrecked or just sit down and enjoy the wildlife to take your mind of throwing a Barry White. It has proved to be a major attraction to the park since its re opening in May 2000 by celebrity gardener Jeff Turner [''... whose knowledge and expertise in many gardening subjects is widely acknowledged. Indeed, the amiable Jeff Turner has long made his name as a famous gardener on an impressive variety of successful TV programmes. Jeff is now a regional personality who continues to conduct regular Gardeners Question Times and also maintains the gardens for ITV Granada''].

Torkington Lodge, a grade II listed Regency building, dominates the landscape from its elevated position. Its crumbling brickwork leaves many locals wondering if the place should be torn to the ground to make way for a super-sized dog litter bin as the dog walkers of the local area certainly can't seem to locate the two already existing litter bins in the surrounding area. Overall there is very little evidence of the parks Regency heritage left and generally amenity grassland with trees of varying maturity forms the landscape: thus admitting Stockport Council's gardeners are a lazy bunch of half wits still living with their parents at the age of 43 and couldn't prune a tree or operate a lawn mower even if they tried.

Situated in the North West corner are recreational features which include two bowling greens, one summer and the other a winter green. The geriatrics of Hazel Grove gather on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons to play this 'sport'. Also in close proximation are five tennis courts and apparently a putting green which must be invisible as no one has ever, ever, seen such a thing. In 1998 the tight assed government finally gave back some of the tax payers money to Stockport Council in order to build a basketball court. What can be described as a paving stone and a piece of scaffolding with a ring on it was finally constructed in late 1999, after the summer of partitions signed by a small minority of Hazel Grove High School's pupils, It was later found out this was all possible by a lottery grant and sponsorship by Adidas by the fact that their company's logos were sprawled across the back board and not actually built by the tax payers money at all, thanks Mr. Prime Minister.

Four football pitches are also accommodated on the ‘meadow area’ to the south-east of the park. These were once described as the worst quality football pitches in the whole of Greater Manchester and 95% of all matches now have to be cancelled due to the poor drainage system which was put in place in winter 1997.

The children's playground is centrally located below the slope, south of the Lodge which consists of a set of swings and a multicolored 'climbing frame', all built on soft concrete of course. The horse, slide and the infamous 'mangle' roundabout had to be removed after being condemned a health hazard after three children were left with missing limbs due to horrific accidents on these apparatus.

The Friends of Torkington Park was established in January 2002 to work with Stockport Council and other agencies to improve the park facilities for the whole community. Their hard work paid of in December 2003 when a new toddler play area was installed in the park. Take a glance North and on the top of the hill you will see the recently named pedophile bench where middle to old aged men sit there watching the children play and enjoying their laughter with hands down their pants.

Look out for the many events and great days out that the Friends organise on the park such as the Halloween Trail and Christmas Carols; be sure to spit in their faces if any of the group knocks on your door this coming Christmas.

The hard work continues with the aim of making Torkington Park an area that is used and enjoyed by all the community and the scrots Hazel Grove. Weekly gatherings take place, usually on Friday and Saturday nights from 7pm onwards to celebrate the great teenage life of the Hazel Grove youngsters who, come along and join their friends in a cider tasting competition. Only the best scrumpy's are sampled like white lightning, white pish and white shayte. If you are thinking of joining these fellow youngsters then make sure you dress accordingly as a strict dress code is exercised. Only Nike Tn's, Rockport, full Lacoste tracksuits, black hoodies and paper thin caps are allowed. The night usually ends around 11pm with a spectacle of blue light and siren shows with men dressed in stab vests, accommodated by German Shepard dogs.

Other events are on an annual basis like the famous Torkington Fair which comes to Hazel Grove on the 1st weekend in July. The pikies usually turn up in convoy on the Tuesday and Wednesday and take over the park in order to set up for the 1st night of the fair on the Thursday, more commonly known as Death Night. If you are willing to risk your life then you can enjoy the fairs main attractions with half price tickets, as they test their functionality and the pikies fair ground ride construction skills on the innocent children of Hazel Grove. Rides included are the adrenaline pumping 'Superbowl', the conveniently named 'Wall of Death' and the always unstable looking 'Eggs' which are a dramatically downsized and unsafe variation of the London Eye wheel. Make sure you look after all valuables and stay in the well lit areas of the park as the pikies have been known to mug the more vulnerable members of the community.

Once the fair is over and the pikies have left for another destination, the park in sealed off for 48 hours whilst a mass cleaning operation takes place to decontaminate the area of viral infections which are carried in human waste, left behind by these travelers.