User:Funkyfreshadventurer/Lois Elizabeth Schaefer/Xinyu Cai111111 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Grace McGuigan


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Funkyfreshadventurer/Lois_Elizabeth_Schaefer?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists) Lois Elizabeth Schaefer

Evaluate the drafted changes
Hi Grace,

I think you did a great job so far! Your lead is clear and concise, which helps me know quickly the basic background of the person you want to introduce. The content is absolutely relevant to your topic and the sources you used are up-to-date. The content added is neutral. You also incorporated well-structured sections and subsections which creates a really good reading experience. Also, regarding the section of Professional Music Career, I think you did a very good job of following the chronological sequence to describe.

However, I think you can do better after making some small revisions:


 * 1) In terms of the sentence: "She had one sister, Winfred Mayes (1919 - 2020) (LINK), who was known for her cellist career ", you should add a citation at the end of the information.
 * 2) "She had one sister", I think the "she" here is a little bit unclear, you can replace "she" with "Schaefer".
 * 3) "limited resources available to her in Yakima", I think you could make "limited resources" more clear, you could research more on the causes that lead to "limited resources", for example, is it because her family is poor therefore cannot afford her a teacher and resources? As a reader, the first question I had while reading was why "limited resources", so I think you could add something here to explain.
 * 4) You can add more sources to make your article more reliable and convincing. I think 3 sources works well because you are describing a person rather than a scientific fact. But I think you could definitely do more research and check if there are other sources that also support your content that you could add to it.

Overall, good job, keep working on it. Good luck :) Xinyu Cai111111 (talk) 00:35, 11 December 2021 (UTC)