User:Gideonmathson

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SCIENCE SAYS POETRY IS DEAD I liked the direction the poem takes and I like its subject, but I think the expression is far too stiff and would seem more professional if it was a rhymed poem. That woul probably accentuate your point.

SHE AND THEY The words used are interesting but the subject matter seems repetitive and in such a situation you must ensure that the manner of presentation is different. You cannot write a poem like this descriptively, it must be colored with metaphor to be readable

SILENCE

The theme was brilliant and the poem was well conveyed, it was interesting and readable and almost every word gave me something to think about. It is essential that you look on this poem and understand why it is so good. Its because it is an unconventional portrayal of a very common theme. Try repeating this in other poetry. Make wit a habbit.

SMOKE AND MIRRORS This sounds more like a lyric. Its far too colloquial, hackneyed and uninteresting. There is very little point writing a poem of this nature. The last verse was readable. The imagery you have used is effective. The rest of the poem lacks color, flavor and anything that will make it readable.

SPARKLING CYANIDE The poem is readable because the content is interesting. But the same plot would be expressed much better in prose. Whats the difference, you’ve shortened the same story, limited it to one character shortened each line, made the lines relatively similar in length and called it a poem. Try reading a bit of poetry before you write.

STONES AND DIAMONDS I really liked this story. I liked the flow and I liked the fact that by the time I had finished I did not feel the story needed a climax, it was real, it was intricate and it certainly sparked something. I think you can improve by focusing on the environment. As I read the story I wanted to know more about where this girl was located, what did this village look and feel like. Make it more sensual. Try reading marquez’s short stories.

SUPERMAN STORY I think the beginning of the story was disappointing. And the structure was monotonous. There was hardly a plot. The theme wasn’t bad but it definitely needs working on. You obviously do read, try reading with more concentration. Focus on how the writer writes and not on what he writes.

SUPERHERO LICENCE I really liked the idea. You’ve converted an everyday situation into something quite interesting and that is a talent that can be very valuable to any author. Try converting more situations into something similarly imaginative. All the same I feel the story had a lot of potential in terms of humor that has not been recognized.

THAT MOMENT OF FOOLISHNESS This is a personal story and I feel it should have been kept personal. There is a difference between writing for ones own pleasure and writing that is readable. Such a story is “plotless”, “structureless” and “storyless”.

THAT WAS MY FAULT That’s one anguished poem. You know poetry is not just about free expression. It is about beauty and there is no beauty in something raw. Moreover a gushing riverof emotion like this poem needs to be damned with metaphor and made discernible with sensuality.

THE BANYAN TREE Is the tree on campus? I really appreciate the effort. It’s rare to read a poem that is descriptive. Descriptive poetry is like learning art. It’s like your first brush stroke. The description it self can definitely improve. The rhyming is primitive and the whole thing could be mistaken for a nursery rhyme.

THE BEGULING FUTURE This is a pretentious effort at abstraction. What’s the point? Who cares about the “beguiling” future. I would care if there was some story. How or why do you think anyone would read something this ephemeral? You cannot draw without learning how to make a straight line. Start with the line.

THE CORNER Your poem is an encouraging and refreshing relief. No abstraction, all metaphor. Well done. I don’t need to say much, just improve the rhyme and meter a bit. That’ll make it sound more professional.

THE BUTTERFLY I really have to praise the effort. The execution was good but needs a lot of improvement. You have shown me an image but you have not moved me with that image. You need to select more powerful words. Especially in the end, the word withered is just not enough to describe the tragically beautiful sight of frayed butterfly wings, with an insignificant body that cannot fly anymore. EMOTE!

THE ELECTION I really believe this piece can be published. The topic you have selected is brilliant. Its very relevant. But it needs a lot of work. The plot as such needs to be more interesting. The journalistic style you have employed is effective but needs to be embellished. There is a lot of potential in this theme. I suggest you rethink the plot and rewrite this piece.