User:Godawgs598/Suzinne Pak-Gorstein/SonyaBIOL497 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Godawgs598


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Godawgs598/Suzinne Pak-Gorstein


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Same as draft link.

Evaluate the drafted changes
Your lead is clear and concise. It gives a brief mention and foreshadowing of all the subsequent sections you detail later like her education, organizations, and research. I like the content you have on the infobox to the right, such as Employer and Occupation. I also think you cover various topics without putting too much emphasis on one thing. Content is neutral, structure is clear, and your sources look reliable. You got some sources from UW/UW Medicine, Seattle Childrens, the IRC, and some news outlets which are all great sources! I really like how you include links to her work such as the toolkit you mention in the Advocacy section and the toolkit under “Leadership Positions and Membership”. That’s definitely something useful to add on my own page!

Overall, I think the main comments I have are sentence length and structure. Some sentences were long so I would look into separating one long sentence into two or more shorter sentences. I would also suggest finding ways to make sentences more concise. Below are some examples and suggestions I have regarding this. There were also times where I thought “she” was used more than once in the same sentence, so I have some suggestions about that as well. However, I think that was one thing you mentioned in class, so I totally get it! It’s hard.

CAREER SECTION

One suggestion on formatting: I would move the below sentence to the Education section, since Residency is a continuation of your education after an MD. If you know the year that she completed her residency I would place this sentence after the degree she most recently got before.

In Seattle, she completed her residency in the University of Washington Pediatrics Department.

CAREER>Current Career Section

To avoid repetition of the same pronoun in the same sentence, I suggest replacing the first “she” with Pak-Gorstein or Dr. Pak-Gorstein.

Currently, she is an an Associate Professor in the Pediatrics Department and an Adjunct Associate Professor in the Department of Global Health where she teaches 'The History and Practice of Public Health' at the University of Washington.

RELATED ORGANIZATIONS>Founding Member Section

Should it be children's health?

The program aims to train residents on wholistic child health

RELATED ORGANIZATIONS>Leadership Positions and Membership Section

'''Small typo. Should be through not though.'''

...which can provide health services, food, money, employment help, and more though local organizations and agencies

What you have now:

As a co-chair of the Nutrition Think Tank sector of the Global Center for Integrated Health of Women, Adolescents, and Children (Global WACh), she works toward the broader goal of bettering the health and wellbeing of these groups.

'''I would replace “she” in this sentence with her last name since you start the next sentence with “she”. It helps to give some variety to your sentences.'''

What you have now:

She is on the Steering Committee for the Global Health special interest group of the Academic Pediatric Association where she conducts educational programs as well as the Pediatric Academic Societies Planning Committee for the Coalition of Centers in Global Child Health, both of which strive to improve the health of children through research, leadership, and education.

'''This is a long sentence that can be split into two sentences. I would split it up like this and also change the wording a little in the beginning just to reduce the amount of “she”:'''

''She is on the Steering Committee for the Global Health special interest group of the Academic Pediatric Association and conducts educational programs. Dr. Pak-Gorstein is also on the Pediatric Academic Societies Planning Committee for the Coalition of Centers in Global Child Health, which strives to improve the health of children through research, leadership, and education.''

What you have now on Wiki page:

Dr. Pak-Gorstein is involved with the American Academy of Pediatrics in several ways including being a member of the Section on International Child Health (now called Section on Global Health), the co-chair of the Telehealth Equity workgroup, and helped create a toolkit on Immigrant Health (also found here)

'''I would split up this sentence into 3 sentences just so there is more variety in the length of your sentences. I suggest something like this:'''

''Dr. Pak-Gorstein is involved with the American Academy of Pediatrics in several ways. This includes serving as a member of the Section on International Child Health (now called Section on Global Health) and as the co-chair of the Telehealth Equity workgroup. Pak-Gorstein has also helped create a  toolkit on Immigrant Health, which can be found here.''

What you have now:

She also leads and created...

Change to

She also created and now leads...

So that it goes in order of time from past to present.

RESEARCH SECTION

What you have now:

Many of the publications are directed towards health care workers to educate and inform in order to improve the care being provided.

I think you can make this more concise by saying something like this:

Many of her publications are to educate and inform health care workers so that they can improve provided care.

What you have now:

They aim to increase...

'''I would specify what you mean by “They”. Instead maybe say something like:'''

Dr. Pak-Gorstein’s research aims to….

It puts the emphasis on her and the work she is doing.

What you have now:

They aim to increase the global health training of residents, educate providers on cultural practices and what changes can be made to better treat mothers and infants, and improve care for refugee and immigrant children—who are at higher risk of malnutrition.

'''Suggestion just to make it more concise. I would split up the sentence into 2 and maybe change the wording to be more concise? Here’s what I was thinking:'''

''Dr. Pak-Gorstein’s research aims to increase global health training for residents and educate providers on cultural practices. Her research also provides ways to improve maternal and infant care along with care for refugee and immigrant children, who have a higher risk of malnutrition.''

What you have now:

The cultural differences in feeding practices are discussed to provide more culturally appropriate care to these groups who experience the dual burden of malnutrition, which includes wasting, stunting, overweight, and obesity; at a higher rate.

'''For me, I like a clear subject at the beginning of a sentence. Maybe try:'''

''Dr. Pak-Gornstein’s research discusses the cultural differences in feeding practices to provide more culturally appropriate care to groups who experience the dual burden of malnutrition at a higher rate. Such burdens include: wasting, stunting, overweight, and obesity.''

SELECTED PUBLICATIONS

I would bold her name on the selected publications list.