User:HannahLH/Appropriate technology/Alyssagpp Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

HannahLH


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:HannahLH/Appropriate_technology?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)

Evaluate the drafted changes
Hi Hannah!

This looks like a good start to your article edits; I'm excited to read it again once its done! I have a few comments that might help to further your edits with this draft:

- Within "Lead" section: Hard to comment in detail because there isn't too much detail on what the sections you're adding to look like but some parts of the sentences are vague- elaborate on "the current debates" you refer to in the agriculture section and same thing with your sentence to add to the finance section.

- Your tone throughout is great- I don't sense any bias and your encyclopedia voice is good. I would take out the part where you say "said food" as it's a little essay-like. One thing I would definitely fix is the way you are citing your sources (cite by highlighting and using the "cite" button at the top of the page) and also using more of a variation of sources as it looks like you are relying pretty heavily on one text.

- I would also double check for run on sentences and looking for ways to condense some of these longer sentences into something a little more refined- some of them run on and the information becomes a little muddled.

Overall it looks great! Feel free to email me if you have any questions about any of the comments or want a second read over of your draft before it's due!