User:Hannahelong/sandbox

Hi all, I would like to propose some changes to the page. My primary goal is to clean up grammatical issues, correct wording that appears to make assumptions or bias or is not based strongly enough on fact, and to reorganize and add information to some sections regarding Asma's actual actions as first lady. I would like to create a focus away from the superficial (her "style", for example), and more towards fact; I would also like to clarify details about why Asma is under fire and improve some sections to include a perspective directly from the subject. I have many research sources, some more scholarly, from a project I am currently involved in in university. Below, I will outline the changes I want to make.
 * Firstly, the sentence in the introduction, "She briefly pursued a career in international investment banking before moving to Syria to marry President Bashar al-Assad in December 2000" contains an undertone of assumption. A more accurate depiction would be to rearrange the sequence of events, placing the marriage first, and then Asma's decision to stay in Syria afterwards. This edit is miniscule, but something about the wording seems to make an implication that is not necessarily known fact.
 * My next concern in the introductory paragraph is that there is no explanation or background information given on why Asma is under sanction. I propose a sentence explaining the state of Syrian relations and the Arab Spring, and why the government is being criticized; these details include civil liberties violations of Bashar, because although this is not particularly relevant to Asma's profile, it is important to note that the consequences of the Syrian government's actions are relevant to the first lady's life. (note: Arab Spring will need a redirect)
 * Grammatically, the sentence. "She grew up in Acton [...] .and her friends called her Emma" sounds awkward. I do not think the fact that she was called Emma is relevant (in fact it enhances Western bias), first of all, and it sounds like a randomly hanging clause at the end.
 * I propose some sort of conclusory sentence for the "Brief finance career" section. It sounds abrupt. Also, using the word "brief" implies subjective bias. Reporting the timeline of events alone, i.e. how long she worked and where, should suffice.
 * I find that the sections "First Lady" and "Style and public image" could be improved to be more accurate. The first lady section could be augmented-I have much more information on her work with the government agencies and their actual incorporation and function. I particularly have many firsthand accounts from research of her work at her Massar children centers. Basically, there could be much more here. Secondly, the "style and public image" section is unclear. Many of the public image matters mentioned could be put under her work as first lady. Furthermore, I think including her "style" is extremely frivolous and sounds more like glamorized media than an encyclopedic article. I think it would be most accurate for the section to only be "public image".
 * I would like to correct the fact that Bashar returned to Syria for the presidency not directly because of the death of his father, but because of the death of his brother who was supposed to take their father's place.
 * In the section "Syrian Civil War", the first sentence says that a "serious blow has been dealt to [her] public image since the Syrian Civil War intensified [because of] her extravagant personal shopping", and I think this is an inaccurate prelude to the true issue at hand. The matter of her shopping is not the primary reason for her media image issues and the debate over her involvement in Syrian conflict. This section could be improved overall, as with the "First Lady" section. The issue is that the public, in response to media coverage, questions Asma's role in the Syrian conflict as a whole and the contradiction between her work with active citizenship among children and the direct violation of children's active citizenship by her husband.
 * The two arguments I see that the Vogue article is a key aspect of the first lady's image and reports a part of her character (as this is how many people around the world came to know her), and the other that a Vogue article is, as I mentioned before, is frivolous and biased in nature to report, are both valid. I do agree that the nature of the article reflects heavy Western bias. Because of this, I agree with a group of the editors who wanted to keep the section but pare it down to exclude potentially biased sentences or quotes from author Joan Juliet Buck. I think the section is important and it would be remiss as reporters of information on Asma to exclude it, but because it reflects such a biased public relations campaign, the section must be more careful in its reporting. There should be a brief description of why the article created a stir without giving an account of Buck's or other's inflammatory comments.
 * I also wonder if I might be able to add more to "personal life" from my research. I do have accounts of the Assad's home life with their children and many quotes from Asma herself, and I wonder if these could be worked in. The section seems brief. I think more is available.
 * Lastly, perhaps in the Vogue section or the Syrian civil war section (somewhere, I'm not quite sure where yet), I would like to try to include an acknowledgment that much of the literature and media about Asma reports on her "Westernness" and therefore hope for her to be her husband's "reforming hope". I think this is important, and I think it is workable to avoid subjectivity or bias. It relates to the outcry around the Vogue article and reflects on Asma's background.

If received well, I can provide an actual write-up of these changes and what they would look like.
 * Hannahelong (talk) 15:46, 31 March 2016 (UTC)