User:Heatherdavis37/sandbox

The Wiggins is a crippling illness affecting only one known individual on the planet Earth, Rian Davis (d.o.b. January 17). Discovered by the patient in 2007, the Wiggins is a mystery to scientists who have yet to understand the full nature of the Wiggins or to find other victims of this (as yet) incurable illness.

There are no physical symptoms of the Wiggins.

Sufferers may experience a combination of any of the following behavioral symptoms:

Sleepiness

Overuse of obscenities

Procrastination

Inability to speak in an Irish dialect

Creative use of excuses

Elaborate and excessive list-making

Affinity for insanely bad teen films and/or chick flicks

Paranoia about pets’ mental and physical well-being

Wearing of pajamas outside of the home

Obsession with Target

Financial instability

Creative spelling and vocabulary

Addiction to online television programming

Overuse of commas

Showtunesiness

Romantic fantasies about horrible things (i.e. hostels)

General Ridiculousness

Luckily sufferers also have a great capacity for love, a strong imagination, good fashion sense (when not wearing pajamas), an outstanding sense of humor, intelligence, loads of cultural capital, quick wit, popularity with “the gays,” and friends and family who love them enough to exploit the internet for them (and listen when they rabbit on about rubbish like “structural violence”).

Some experts theorize that if the Wiggins could be overcome, sufferers might be too awesome to exist.

New evidence (2019) suggests that the offspring of Wiggins’ sufferers are, in fact, very nearly too awesome to exist. Whether the disease is genetic is a question for future researchers.