User:Hms2026/Ahad Ha'am/AnonVisor Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Hms2026, That guy5947


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Hms2026/Ahad_Ha%27am?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Ahad Ha'am

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)

Overall, it seems like you went through and made a handful of edits to the existing page, and added a valuable section on some of his written work.

Firstly, the lead section has been updated slightly to reflect the added emphasis on his writing. The sentences are all slightly modified, but the content remains very similar. This is a common theme I see out of your edits in existing sections. Make sure that you aren't close paraphrasing the existing article so that you can make changes like making the first clause it's own sentence and making nominal changes to the rest of the sentence. The final sentence of the lead, however, is somewhat difficult to understand.

Secondly, I am somewhat puzzled by some of the content that you have decided to include as well as what you removed from the original article. Are you cutting the entire section on "visits to Palestine" because you feel that it interferes with your ability to talk about his writing? Right now what you have is lacking in content about Ginsberg's issues in "Truth From Eretz Israel". One sentence is not enough, and while I don't like the existing article's massive block quote, I do not think that this existing section should be removed entirely.

Thirdly, in terms of structure, I found the content that you added to make the article more confusing and difficult to understand. I mentioned cutting out the entire "visits to Palestine" section, but you also removed a lot of important information from the "Cultural Zionism" section. Whereas the original defines cultural zionism, establishes a timeline, and has numerous citations, your current section of cultural zionism lacks historical context specific to Ginsberg, and needs more citations in order to be stronger. I see that you moved some of the historical information to the "Zionist activism" section, but I do not think that it makes sense there, as in the original article that section is limited to his interactions within practical zionism.

Here are a list of minor edits and spots that need citations that you may want to consider:


 * 1) "With his vision of a Jewish "spiritual center" in Israel, his views regarding the purpose of a Jewish state contrasted with those of prominent political Zionists such as Theodor Herzl. Unlike Herzl, Ahad Ha'am strived for "a Jewish state and not merely a state of Jews". " These sentences read really awkwardly, and lack a citation for the quote.
 * 2) "Asher Zvi Hirsch Ginsberg (Ahad Ha'am) was born in Skvyra, in the Kiev Governorate of the Russian Empire (present-day Ukraine) to wealthy Hasidic parents. His father was a village merchant. The town was located in the Pale of Settlement, which constituted an are in the Russian Empire in which Jews were legally aloud to reside." The word wealthy is somewhat charged, implies generational wealth, which is not something Jews in Russia would have been able to attain to my knowledge. The piece about the Pale of Settlement does not flow well with the rest of the sentence. Also, fix the typos, and add a citation to the second sentence.
 * 3) The section on Ha-Shiloah is heavily under-cited, does not provide examples of the issues discussed beyond that they are "relevant to Judaism," and lacks context of other people involved.

Overall, I think you need to go back to your overall structure and make sure each subsection is mutually exclusive, comprehensively explores the topic in a structured and logical way given what comes before and after, and go back through to proofread, and add citations. Make sure you aren't cutting out too much from the existing article. Your contributions on Ha-Shiloah are valuable, but make sure that your changes to the existing article do not make the information more obscure for the reader compared to how it is already presented.