User:HoldieCommie

"Look at my fully awesome commo with skid rims and all."

- Aaron Dicknicoll

"All Fords are s**t, Second verse same as the first, all fords are s**t etc."

- Captain Obvious on Holden's rivals, Ford

"Holes, Oil Leaks, Dents, Engine Noise!"

- engineer of the Ecotec V6 engine

"WTF is a Commodorre? isn't that a lengthened Opel Omega with a 30 year old Buick engine?"

- Krauts and Yanks on Holden

"s**tbox i'd rather walk, well i did most of the time"

- Oscar Wilde on his holden

{{quote|Its a cardboard box on wheels, its a shopping trolley, its a wheelbarrow with a V8 in it.. NO IT'S A HOLDEN!|Someone about to be run over

{{quote|id rather push a ford than drive one but then il get a saw back and its fords are s**ty s**ty s**ty cars
 * You|Holdens}}

Holden is Australia's car manufacturer, and has been part of the General Motors chain of 'fast motor' outlets since 1981. Major Holden achievements include beating Ford nearly half the time in the V6 Supercars and being the only motor company to name a car after a mediocre music and television personality/fat drug addict. After years of importing rubbish from Europe, Holden recognised they could make more money by importing 10 year old Daewoos from Korea.

{{ wikipediapar |Holden}}

Beginnings


In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. On the 7th day god created Ford, then on the 8th day he traded it in for a Holden. On the 9th day he blew up the Holden doing a mad burnout out the front of his mate's house. On the tenth day he cursed Holden owners with oil-burning engines, random electrical faults(The reason why its called Holes Oil Leaks Dents and Engine Noise, and the ability for drivers to decorate trees and lamposts with their cars, a widely appraised form of modern art/crash scene investigation.

one thing goes after another on those oil leaking cars

Classics
Holden have produced many classic vehicles over the years:


 * The FJ Holden, as pictured above.


 * The EJ Premier, named after Ted "E.J." Whitten, who led Footscray the 1954 Premiership.


 * The Holden Gemini, the first of the Isuzu-build Holdens,which is a standard commodore thats has been shrunk by 25% into a compact 900kg package, with a 4 cylinder engine and top speed of 60km/h. Popular among young Muzzas and Lebos. These cars have been known to run 10s when modified with a 350 Chev under the hood and able to beat WRX and Skyline at traffic light drags.


 * The HQ Kingswood, which comprises as much steel as a Patton tank, but with heavier steering. It is widely regarded as the King of the Road, mostly because drivers of other cars are afraid that it will cut through their vehicles like butter, leaving only minor paint damage to the Kingswood.


 * The HK Monaro, the first of the Monaros,which is a standard commodore thats been cut in half so therefore some sort of vsuper mobile.


 * The L34 or A9X Torana, which comes only in bright yellow with black striping, and features a body kit that looks like it was screwed on in someone's backyard. It is also the car most likely to attract police attention, according to a 1999 survey.


 * The VL Commodore, having the same six cylinder engine as your grandpa's R31 Skyline, still produced 25kW more power than the 3.8L V6 in the VN model that succeeded it. Usually driven by gangs of ethnics or bogans out to impress, but failing miserably. usually found in two colours, the original car colour and rust (heaps of it) no bumpers, disguised computer fans as turbos and a crappy sound system which can only be herd with superstrong hearing aids.


 * The VN Toyota Lexcen Commodore, having the same six cylinder engine as your grandpa's Camry, still produced 125kW more power than the 3.8L V6 in the Holden VN. The Lexcen was a failed Toyota attempt at entering the Aussie large-car market, featuring a rear-wheel drive sedan which looked remarkably similar to the VN Holden Commodore (Toyota Australia bought the tooling and designs from Holden). Suprisingly, the Toyota Lexcen Commodore is rated as the most appealing vehicle in Toyota's range to date, second to the Toyota Supra. It is usually driven by single mothers and old baby-boomers who want a cheap, reliable vehicle with Toyota reliability (motor)and power as well as good old Aussie styling.


 * The Holden Nova, which comes complete with Toyota Corolla badging in the windshield glass and engine bay, is a favorite among Avon representatives and features a Tupperware body kit with a neon Pink paint option.


 * Any Australian 15 year old would say the VS Statesmans are a classic, especially the ones with cut springs and V6 engines. And then the ones who are too scared to own something that actually goes fast, buy a lardass VT crumpledoor. These cars are well known for receiving regular arse whoopings by cars with engines a quarter their size.

Shaggin' Wagons
The Holden (suck) s**tton faggon (aka Shaggin' Wagon, Pleasure Van, Sin Bin, and so on) fills a unique place in Australian automotive culture, as it signifies both the aim and the usual result of a typical young male's Homosexual drinking binge.

The young man, would hit the town with the aim of scoring with a man in the back of his panel van. This would be customised with mattress, pillows, curtains, shelving, mirrors, fridge, stereo, television, dvd player, playstation 3, walkman, iPod and so on.

Instead of this, he would usually get into a bar brawl, and wind up in the back of a paddy wagon - a panel van customised for storage and transportation by police of convicted bogans.

Ford have also made panel vans, but these are exclusively for use by dodgy electricians and/or carpenters. Any females on board will be either those rejected from Holden's Panel Vans for being too fat and/or ugly. rubbish rubbish

Commodore
When they realised that the Kingswood was so well-built that many owners were finding that they did not need to upgrade to a new vehicle, Holden created the Commodore. This was an inferior vehicle, designed by drunks who named the first model, the VB, after a local beer (Victoria Bitter, which is in turn named after the fact that non-Victorian teams keep winning the AFL Premiership).

The success of the Commodore was only ensured by the threats made by the company through its marketing campaign - "Are you keeping up with the Commodore? Because the Commodore is keeping up with you." This referred not to the vehicle itself but to Commodore Bruce Bruce of the Royal Australian Navy, who was employed by the company to hunt and kill those who refused to upgrade to the new, more plastic type of family vehicle. bogans drive these cars

The Commodore evolved through the years to the final model of the slim bodied units, the VL This vehicle is now worshipped by the "Muzza's" a group of southern European young men who hail from Thomastown and Lalor in Victoria. These individuals can be be identified by their bum fluffed faces, baseball hats and Winnie blue packs up the sleeve of their Metallica t shirts. They greet each other with a handshake that Puff Daddy would be proud of and the words "ah ya muzz" which is apparently some form of greeting protocol. The VL has become a symbol of pride and prestige amongst the Muzzas and it is common for them to want to display their individual collections of broken axels and shredded tyres and tell all whom they meet about the loss of licence and drink driving charges. Their VL Commodores can be located all around Thomastown but are easy to identify as most are always smashed, have no bumpers, no windscreen, no bonnet, no bootlid, no roof (DIY Convertible VL), one headlight, missing door, or are decorated with wrecker's special multi-coloured panels. In their wisdom, Holden chose to use a Nismo motor in the VL and there is actually a variant of this car known as the "Walkingshaw" (named so since the driver is most likely gonna walk home after taking it out for a spin) a Commodore that has more plastic than Michael Jackson's face. To the Muzza these cars are only to be dreamt of and when seen they say "ooh yah muzza".

It is most notable that in recent months Holden have attempted to sell their coveted Commodores as being somehow superior to the latest BMW 3 series, despite the nearly $50,000 difference in price. Upon hearing this, BMW officials remarked on the 'cute' nature of the Australian company and made a somewhat patronising statement whereby they said "Keep it up guys, you're doin' great!". The ecstatic laughter was held at bay for several seconds thereafter.

Camiras
In the late 70s, Holden were so keen to promote their "world car theory" that they looked to their European cousins Opel and came up with an amazing vehicle the "Camira", a name resembling that of the "Toyota Camery" This vehicle had the uncanny ability of being improved cosmetically and mechanically by being in an accident. The vehicle was underpowered, under engineered, over priced and over here and looked like a Gemini on steroids. It is one of the few cars that the recyclers refuse to take. The Camira was a product of the British car industry plan. The plan takes its name from its creator Tony Blair, a visionary of the auto building industry. Blair's plan was to rationalise the number of car manufacturers in England and Australia. His theory was that his country was too small to sustain all of the car makers so it was survival of the fittest. We still wonder how he ended up with a Mitsubishi. His plan was so successful that we now have a great choice of affordable cars made in China or you can own a Toyota which is like having a butt, every man and his dog has one. The idea of a car lasting 10 years without major faults was dead in the water thanks to some dodgy politicians who seem to ruin everything good in the country.

VR-VS Commodore
These models can be found everywhere. They can usually be heard coming down the road by their rather unique sound - the bogan ones complete with fullsik sports exhaust, with the added effect of sounding like it has dropped 3 cylinders. Others can be seen coming by the massive "HOLDEN" sticker across the top of the windscreen. Like we didn't already know its a damn Holden. Thanks for reminding us its not a Ford. Just don't leave the sticker on the car if you are trying to sell it. If you do, chances are the buyer will not only think they are buying a Ford, but will also lower their offer price dramatically. On the other hand they could be stupid enough to by a series I EA Falcon (with Holden Racing Team seat covers) however it could be fixed rather cheaper for a case of beer- a common commodity in Oz when your cash supply is low. The reserve bank keeps huge stocks of beer as well as gold in case of major national or international crisis.

VY-VZ Commodore
These are very easily identified on the road, by the triangular "pizza" Mitsubishi Lancer taillights, and the highway patrol cop in the front seat. Chances are you will see them with flashing blue and red headlights and foglights, and the annoying dual-tone horn on in your rear-view mirror in broad daylight. It seems to be a common practice among retarded police officers.

VE Commodore
Holden recently spent $1000000000000 AUD ($2.29 USD) on developing the new VE Commodore, and then proceeded to lose the next Bathurst, the only Supercars race that actually matters. Not only did they lose bathurst, but they had to resort to punting off their closest rival, Craig Lowndes, who would have most definitely won, to win the championship. They also managed to do what was previously thought to be impossible by making a car that was more heavy than the VB commodore of 1979. However, these cars are exceptionally well built, and a repeat of the Kingswood/Torana incident may occur, so Holden is considering building an inferior vehicle to take its place (Holden Epica). This suggests that somehow FPV (Performance Inc) managed to sneak personnel into the production facilities to drop quality down to that of Korean Daewoos (which happen to be Holden anyway.). The VT V6 was so well thought out in the design stages that the cylinder head was remotely located in the rear wheel arch compartment in the boot(trunk). This clever space saving idea was so well engineered that the engine melted 3 days after being delivered to the sales room. How did we forget an isolator switch?

But still, the VE Commodore outsells its Ford BF MKII equivalent every month. Probably assisted by the fact that it is the reigning manufacturer in the V6 championship (Holdens first championship in many years, assisted by a bullbar equipped pRick Kelly).

In 2007, a 10 year old AU Ford Falcon yet again whipped the VE at Bathurst by taking 1st, 2nd and 3rd and also by having 7 of the top 10 cars.

The pRick Kelly piloted Herpex Simplex Virus commodores failed to launch due to 'Brake problems', sparking the use of their new slogan, 'Theres no stopping us'.

HSV (Also known as "Homo Sexual Vehicle")
As previously stated, when that magical 'one in a million' Commodore is built that is actually able to pass roadworthy, Holden get excited and badge it up as a HSV. HSV was started in 1772 when Abe Simpson founded a company in which he hired people to scratch his son Homer's butt. Homer's butt was really big and as he got older it got even bigger so Abe had to hire more people. Eventually these people started to get really sick because of the radioactivity radiating from the youngster's buttocks. Even the least sick of the lot were mildly retarded and from 1774 to 1986 most of their time was spent mating with other HSV employees and trying to stop/help the more retarded ones from doing retarded things. Unfortunately most chose to help and this was when HSV merged with Holden. Holden saw that HSV had a better development team and had more altogether brainpower so after their own development team accidently started putting engines from other cars into the VL Commodore, HSV was hired to replace them. It is worth noting that HSV, the the mid-late 2000s started doing this as well but only because the Chevrolet engine was far superior than anything Holden could come up with.

So anyway, back to the late 80s. in 1987, HSV started developing the Toyota Lexcen SS. This was a powerful car (36rwkw) and come with a huge bodykit known only as "Kindergarten Group A". Several of these were sold but most of them never made it out of the factory, as Holden went too far with the HSV badges and eventually the car was weighed down so badly that it couldn't be driven away.

Fast forward to 1989. HSV start developing the Clubsport. This is what would be eventually known as a 'VT Dunny Door' and featured a sticker on the engine boasting that it was a 1472kw JET 3 v8. The car only made 82rwkw (on a 'happy' dyno) but the awesome noise it made was enough to please most Holden fans. The VT Clubsport also offered a big shiny bodykit with two-tone highlights, reminiscent of something terrible made by C2R. The car was laughed at by Ford who ran a tow truck company at the time. Most of their work came from towing broken down or illegally parked Clubsports. Just to rub it in their faces, Ford used their reliable workhorse to do the towing, the mighty F350 Ute. The F350 is a beast, simply said. Tickford further enhanced these machines and came up with the TE50, a car so good that it was made from Hardtofindium, a very rare metal and only 200 of these machines were made for each series of AU. HSV wished they were Tickford at this point.

In 2005, Ned Kelly joined the HSV team. He subsequently stole everything electrical, resulting in HSV having to use circuit boards from Taiwanese-made McDonald's toys. He also tinkered with the automatic transmissions so that when a Holden fan is driving one of these marvellous modern masterpieces everytime it went to change gear it had an epileptic fit. Mechanics from Ford have confirmed the transmissions also started the AIDs virus. Oh dear.

In 2008, HSV was proud to announce it was bringing out a 72.5L V8 engine, far, far more powerful than Ford's FG GT which pulls an impressive 315kw. This new HSV pulls around 854kw but the engine is so incredibly huge and heavy that the head actually sits higher than the roof, rendering the driver unable to see anything, unless he sits on the roof with his feet steering the thing through the sunroof. This was not good enough for street use so the car was not allowed to be sold. May it also be noted that the car weighed over 7 tonne and therefore could only manage a 32.58 second 1/64 mile pass time.