User:I-am-durden/Schrute Hill

= The Great Battle of Schrute Hill =

General Jack Macy's Drinking
Some had said that the whole battle was caused by General Jack Macy's severe drinking problems. Some soldiers said he was just the town drunk, and they were just following his orders because they had never had any action.

General Macy's Story
The British from the East had been secretly stealing water from their rivals, the West. When General Jack Macy had discovered that his water was being stolen, he stormed to the Great Dividing Wall to talk to General Aaron Jackson about this atrocity. This is where Macy's famous quote came from. "When one is cock-blocked by someone he trusted, like General Aaron Jackson and I, that man must attack, or forever be blocked by a giant cock." -General Jack Macy General Jack Macy declared war on that very day, swearing that all his water was returned, he would annihilate East Britain totally. General Aaron Jackson retaliated with the greatest insult of all time. That insult has been forever lost in the sands of time.

General Jackson's Story
Jackson basically just said that he was sick of General Macy's drunkenness, and was actually the same man that stole his wife. General Jackson also said that he was the one who declared the war. No one is really sure how all of it got started.

The Battle Itself
Since the East was far too poor to afford such weapons as the West had, the battle was fought with large rocks, mud, and slingshots armed with babies who were not good enough and kittens. Those to the West who either had weak stomachs or were allergic to kittens were immediately done away with. After 3 hours the East had dug a hill under the wall and all the way to where the weapons were being stored to steal the West's rifles. After attacking the West from behind (Most of the East were bisexuals), the West went to the city and burnt the churches and raped the women. The remaining citizens of the West got down on their knees and prayed to their God. The East took advantage of this, as well, and killed the rest of them.

Effect of the Battle
The battle itself was rather pointless, and has been erased from the history books. The british are so ashamed of it, when asked about it, they frequently cry. The village of Westbritannia was reduced to rubble. Sadly, the only history of this great battle is on this one site.