User:Iazyges/Reviews

=List of all peer reviews i've made=

Josephine Butler
Overall, very good article. I noticed that there are very few citations on the lead paragraph, which while not necessarily a flaw, would improve the article in my opinion if more were added, Also, the part of "First attempt to repeal of the Contagious Diseases Acts; 1869–74" that talks about the opposition she received, perhaps an article should be made that is more indepth for each of the incidents. The bit about "not only deprived poor women of their constitutional rights and forced them to submit to a degrading internal examination, but they officially sanctioned a double standard of sexual morality, which justified male sexual access to a class of 'fallen' women and penalised women for engaging in the same vice as men.[56]" Is that supposed to be a paragraph that slips into a quote or was that a mistake? For the "The commission had heard significant evidence that many of the prostitutes were as young as 12, and they recommended that the age of consent should be raised from 12 to 14. Bruce took no action on any of the recommendations for six months.[77]" part, perhaps an addendum of when the age was actually raised, and all the times it was further raised until it reached the modern day amount (which i believe to be 18). The part about "At one meeting, the floor of the room had been liberally sprinkled with cayenne pepper by her opponents, making speaking difficult." Should perhaps list the serious effects of being exposed to it. For the beginning bit about "If she was suffering from a sexually transmitted disease, she would be held in a lock hospital until the condition was cured. If she refused to be examined or hospitalised, she could be imprisoned, often with hard labour.[54][56]" (I reread the article), perhaps a statistic about what percent of women in england had an std or what percent of prostitutes had one, as the government backed nature of the act should allow for reliable statistics. "For the The organisation published a Ladies Manifesto of their " piece, perhaps a link to the paper itself, as it is more than a century old it should be fair game. That is all the constructive criticism I have, respond to anything you disagree with or wish to discuss. 10 August 2016
 * Comments from Iazyges

John C. Calhoun
For the "As a prominent leader of the war hawk faction, Calhoun strongly supported the War of 1812 to defend American honor against Britain." Perhaps an expansion on what exactly they stood for, if that was all they stood for, or if their was something else. The "He sought the Democratic nomination for the presidency in 1844, but lost to surprise nominee James K. Polk." bit is slightly unclear as to if polk won just the nomination, or else became president (Which he did), perhaps the addition of a "Who then went on to win the election and become the 11th president" should be added to it. The "Yet Calhoun was known as the "cast-iron man" for his ideological rigidity" loses something due to its proximity with "In contrast with his previous nationalism" Which negates the claim of ideological rigidity, perhaps if it was explained why he changed his views it may be better. For "In 1957, a Senate Committee selected Calhoun as one of the five greatest United States Senators of all time" Perhaps a link to an article about this, while their is a link to source, a direct link would be better. The "His father had joined the Scotch-Irish immigration from County Donegal to the backcountry of South Carolina." Could be better worded. For "however, when his father died, his brothers were away starting business careers" perhaps a short list of what careers they took on. For "The family decided he should continue his education, so he resumed study of Latin, Greek, history, and mathematics under a local tutor." Is the tutor's name known? If so are they notable enough to get an article? Also a lot of quotes dont have quotation marks. For "In January 1811, Calhoun married Floride Bonneau Colhoun, a first cousin once removed." Perhaps a short piece on whether it was upwards or down I.E. which one was a generation older than the other. "in which she humiliated key allies of President Andrew Jackson." Such as? "One colleague hailed him as, "the young Hercules who carried the war on his shoulders."[23]" Which one? (If it is known). "Calhoun, however, realized how badly prepared the nation had been in 1812.[26]" This sentence is rather pointless as it does not elaborate, perhaps it should be moved to the next paragraph that is about the army itself? "Calhoun continued his role as a leading nationalist during the "Era of Good Feelings"." This is the second time it has been referenced, both times it hasn't been explained. "He spoke for a national bank, for internal improvements (such as harbors, canals and river navigation) and a protective tariff that would help the industrial Northeast and, especially, pay for the expensive new infrastructure.[37]" A short list of a few major people or projects he supported would be good. "The subsequent peace meant that a large army, such as that preferred by Calhoun, was no longer considered necessary, and in 1821 significant cutbacks were made.[38]" Again an interesting lead, but no follow up, both the effects that the people felt due to that treaty and the cutbacks should be expanded upon. "As secretary, Calhoun had responsibility for management of Indian affairs. He promoted a plan, adopted by Monroe in 1825, to preserve the sovereignty of Eastern Indians by relocating them to western reservations they could control without interference from state governments." Perhaps a link to the plan? "In over seven years Calhoun supervised the negotiation and ratification of 40 treaties with Indian tribes." Perhaps a link to an article listing those treaties? "A reform-minded modernizer," Redundant. "he attempted to institute centralization and efficiency in the Indian department, but Congress either failed to respond to his reforms or responded with hostility." Perhaps a list of his proposed reforms? "Calhoun's frustration with congressional inaction, political rivalries, and ideological differences spurred him to create the Bureau of Indian Affairs in 1824.[41]" Needs expansion, even if it is just a few sentences, or even one to talk about what the Bureau of indian affairs does. "but hoped that his election would bring some reprieve from Adams's anti-states' rights policies." Policies such as? "Calhoun thus became the second of two vice presidents to serve under two different presidents, the other being George Clinton, who served as Vice President from 1805 to 1812 under Thomas Jefferson and James Madison.[44]" This could be better worded, I had to re-read it three times to get it. "However, Calhoun's service under Jackson also proved contentious due largely to the Nullification Crisis and the Petticoat affair.[23]" This could be better placed in the next paragraph. "Calhoun supported the idea of nullification through a concurrent majority." While it does a good job explaining nullification concisely, it doesn't explain concurrent majority at all. "which occurred despite the fact that, unknown to them, Rachel's previous husband had failed to finalize their divorce." What? " Jackson replaced all but one of his Cabinet members, " Which was? "When Whig president William Henry Harrison died in 1841 after a month in office," Perhaps stating what he died of, if it is known. That is all my constructive criticism. 10 August 2016
 * Comment by Iazyges

Wytheville Raid
"undersized" Should provide the number of troops there were, and how many there should have been for it to have been full sized. "Toland's brigade consisted of cavalry and mounted infantry." I could be wrong but those sound like the same thing. "hastily made preparations before the brigade's arrival. " What kind of preparations? Stocking up food? Moving into positions? Noticing a severe lack of consistency with horsemen, mounted soldiers and cavalry. Picking one would be preferable. "homes and businesses." perhaps it should be "Their homes and businesses". "One Union soldier described the street that led into Wytheville as "an avenue of death".[1]" Do we know who? "the Union commander, Colonel John T. Toland" an article about him would be good, after all there is a picture of him on wikimedia. "Approximately 300 horses died (including an estimated 80 killed on the streets of Wytheville), or became unable to travel, during the raid and retreat." How many horses on each side? Unable to travel is a weird way of putting it, perhaps, wounded or else crippled? " Despite significant losses, the Union brigade was eventually able to secure the town." Perhaps able to secure if for a short time, considering how they were driven out within a day? "and a salt mine." Woah woah woah, where did that come from? the rest of the three things are a good restatement of what was at stake that i think is good for the article, but the salt mine wasn't mentioned before. "After the conflict, Union infantry leaders were critical of the Union cavalry's performance, and men from the cavalry were critical of the infantry leadership's tactics." Super vague. "The mine was the source for a significant portion, estimated to be about one third, of the lead used by the Confederacy to produce bullets for its armies.[8]" That should most definitely be in the lead section. "Supplies for the Confederate Army were often stored nearby." Needs expansion. "Thus, the pro-Confederate town had a strategic significance during the American Civil War—and was a target throughout the war." The "Pro-confederate" part should perhaps be removed, it adds nothing. "The army outpost was at the community named Saltville, which was the home of a salt mine" ok now it introduces the salt mine, even though the lead section talks about it as if it was part of Wytheville. "Salt ... and was also used (at the time) to preserve meat." Perhaps it could be made into salt is used to preserve meat, which was more crucial before the invention of refrigeration. "Salt was not widely available during the Civil War, and eight Confederate states used salt from this mine." Only eight? Which ones? Seems odd to mention this without expanding on it. "The depot was renamed Dublin Depot a short time before the beginning of the Civil War, but is often labeled New Bern on maps from the early 1860s.[16]" Why was it renamed? "Their secret orders," What makes them secret? Did only the officers know? Needs elaboration. "but did not always have the Asian-style baggy pants with open jackets typical of zouave units.[22]" Elaborate. "a two-company detachment from the 1st West Virginia Cavalry joined the brigade and brought supplies" What kind? " The detachment's leader, Captain George W. Gilmore, also brought orders from General E. P. Scammon that clarified the brigade's mission." Wait so were the instructions actually secret? or were the men confused? "Thus, the brigade continued with 441 mounted infantry men, 298 men from the 2nd West Virginia Cavalry, and 79 men from the 1st West Virginia Cavalry.[33]" Perhaps the number of those who were sent home? "A small force led by Lieutenant Jeremiah Davidson surprised the rebels, capturing them without firing a shot" How small? " was sent forward to the top of Tug Ridge." What is tug ridge? Obviously some kind of hill, but no backstory. "Weapons and supplies were destroyed." What kind? How much? "150 mounted Confederate soldiers" Again with the inconsistency. How many3? "(Ironically, the company that ran the mine was named Union Lead Mining Company.)" I really dont think this should be here, but that may be personal bias against puns. " the town of Wytheville of the approaching Union horsemen." inconsistent with cavalry. "Bowyer's after action report, led the panicked locals" Needs elaboration. "The depot is about 0.75 miles (1.2 km) south of the town." Is or was? does anyone know if it is still there? "Colonel Powell requested that Colonel Toland have the infantry dismount" Ok now i get it, mounted infantry ride horses but fight on foot, that could better be explained in the lead section where both are mentioned. "Powell also suggested that if the cavalry were to charge, the men should be deployed “to right and left” instead of a straight ahead charge.[55] Powell’s suggestion was "characteristically disregarded" and strongly rejected.[Note 11]" By who? Also redundant. End of constructive critisism. 10 August 2016
 * Comment by Iazyges

M15 Halftrack
"While conceived as an anti-aircraft weapon, its 37 mm gun was often used as an infantry support weapon during the latter stages of World War II." Perhaps later instead of latter, and by which units and divisions specifically? All of them? "adding a coaxially mounted" Perhaps an short explanation on what that is for the inexperienced? "and had a wheelbase of 135.5 inches (3.44 m)." Perhaps another explanation? "(95 kW) 6-cylinder gasoline engine gave the M15 a power-to-weight ratio of 15.8 horsepower per ton" Perfect spot to say how many tons it weighs. "A United States Army Armored Force requirement for a mobile anti-aircraft gun to support the coming North African Campaign resulted in the T28 project being revived soon after its cancellation" How soon? "all of which had an unprotected mount for the gun combination and crew." In what way? No turret? could be elaborated upon. "this mount placed on the M3 chassis, which resulted in its replacement with the M54 mount" Short explanation of what the difference is maybe? "and added a M6 sighting system.[8][14]" Again a short explanation maybe. "T28E1s were used in Italy until the end of the war.[20]" End of the war in italy or end of the war with germany or end of the war with japan? needs elaboration. "Each US Army armored division was allocated an anti-aircraft artillery (AAA) company equipped with eight M15 CGMCs and eight M45 Quadmount-equipped M16 MGMCs." Perhaps a "Consisting of 80-250 men" should be added after the ""Each US Army armored division was allocated an anti-aircraft artillery (AAA) company " Part. End of constructive criticism. 10 August 2016
 * Comments by Iazyges

HMS Alceste (1806)
"having spotted French reinforcements arriving, " Which ones? What ships? In lead paragraph it labels her as a 38 gun frigate, in construction it calls her 14/40, what gives? "When first fitted out, Minerve carried twenty-eight 18 pounders (8.2 kg) as her main battery, fourteen 32 pounders (15 kg) carronades on her quarter-deck, while her forecastle had two 9 pounders (4.1 kg) long guns and two 32 pounders (15 kg) carronades.[1]" Could have butchered my math but that sounds like 36 guns. "In April 1806 Minerve was commanded by Capitaine Jaques Collet" is their a link to the captain? "and four smaller vessels," Which are? "allas then unleashed a devastating broadside.[6] Both ships were badly" I feel that those two paragraphs would be better suited as 1. "On 22 May, Alceste encountered some French feluccas" Perhaps a description as to what a felucca is? "assuming Alceste had gone to attend to some other business," seems too casual to be encyclopedic. It lists the feluccas as some to begin with but then says they captured 4 of them, perhaps they should say "More than 4" rather than some? "The British lost one man killed and two wounded in the action.[12]" could be better worded. " that destroyed a French 18-gun brig.[13] " any idea what brig it was? "when word was received of a similar size French squadron heading north." Shouldn't it be similar sized? "The frigates contained more than 200 cannon," Did they contain them as armament or cargo? and shouldn't it be cannons not cannon? End of constructive critism. 10 August 2016
 * Comments from Iazyges

Siege of Arrah
"The Siege of Arrah was the eight-day-long defence" Shouldn't it be the eight-day-long-siege. "After an aborted attempt" Shouldn't it be failed? "a second relief was successful in dispersing the forces surrounding the house and the men of the besieged party were able to escape." The line before this makes it sound like the defenders tried to attack the siegers, but this line makes it look like an outside army attacked the siegers, which one is it? "7th, 8th and 40th regiments of Bengal Native Infantry" Could use a link. " The local zamindar," Could use a short explanation of what that is. "a railway engineer, began to fortify a two-storey tall and 50 feet square outbuilding belonging to him (intended to be used as a billiard room)" link? "leaving loopholes in the walls for defenders to fire their weapons through." Believe it should be turrets not loopholes, those are for arrows. "outbreak of unrest in the town." Weak sentence, should be either outbreak or unrest. "He faced scorn from his fellows" Such as? "Throughout June rumours, " June rumors never explained, if its not explained just call it rumors. "Arrah following the relief of the Siege of Cawnpore describing a massacre there and from other" Should be restructured like this "Arrah following the relief of the Siege of Cawnpore describing a massacre there. From other..." "Throughout the following seven days the besieged party faced daily musket fire, joined by fire from two artillery pieces after the 28th. Attempts were made to drive the men out of the house by the creation of a large fire of furniture and chilli peppers but at the last moment, a change in wind direction blew the smoke away from the house." This makes it sound like this happened multiple times, did it? "the expedition arrived at a large island " Which one? End of constructive criticism. 10 August 2016
 * Comments by Iazyges

Territorial Evolution of the US
"Unorganized territory" is not a name; it simply means Congress has not passed an organic act" Should explain what an organic act is. "While the U.S. exerted some military control over Cuba," Wouldn't occupation work better? "Wartime and post-war occupations by the United States of foreign territory are not noted unless they involved formal annexation. For example, the U.S. military occupied several countries in Central America and the Caribbean for many years during the Banana Wars, but as there was no annexation, this is not noted. Furthermore, while there was a civil government created for some areas after World War II, like the United States Civil Administration of the Ryukyu Islands from 1953 to 1972 and the American zones of occupation in southwest Germany, West Berlin, and Austria, these were never considered part of the United States and are omitted." Perhaps another list of all lands occupied by the USA should be made? "April 4, 1781	The Vermont Republic claimed what was called the "East Union," consisting of some towns in New Hampshire. They never gained control over the area.[6][7][8][9] & "June 16, 1781	The Vermont Republic claimed what was called the "West Union," consisting of some additional towns in New York. They never gained control over the area.[7][8][10][11] The specific date this occurred is unclear; sources suggest June 16, June 26, and July 18." Did anyone ever recognize vermonts claim to them or was it only ever them? "The Congress of the Confederation declared that the land that Connecticut has claimed in northeast Pennsylvania (and, unknown at the time, a small sliver of New York) was part of Pennsylvania, thus attempting to end the Pennamite–Yankee War.[16] While conflict would continue for some time, this was the end of formal claims by a state government." Perhaps a link to the continued conflict if it is a different article from the war? "The government of Franklin held some control over the area, and even petitioned for statehood, but would only last a few years." Perhaps mention how the potential state ended? "At the time, it was simply referred to as the federal district." This isn't at all related but i find this hilarious. "The Kingdom of Great Britain united with the Kingdom of Ireland, renaming itself the United Kingdom.[61]" Why is this here? "The garrison at Fort Detroit surrenders, leading to the United Kingdom occupying Michigan Territory.[88]" All of michigan fell because of that fort? it could be better phrased. "The region of northern New Hampshire disputed with the United Kingdom declared independence as the Republic of Indian Stream.[119] While tiny, it does appear to have maintained some control over its territory." Better wording as declared ITS independence perhaps. "Spain recognized the independence of Mexico, thus ending their involvement in the dispute over Miller County, Arkansas.[127]" was spain active in attempting to get miller county after they lost mexico? "With this decision, Miller County was no longer disputed with Mexico and Texas." & "Proper surveying was conducted along the border between Arkansas and Texas, and the area claimed by Arkansas for Miller County was held to not belong Arkansas.[133]" What? "The State of Deseret dissolved itself, its functions and territory largely having been superseded by Utah Territory.[168]" was the state of deseret ever recognized as a state of the US by anyone? End of constructive criticism. 10 August 2016
 * Comments by Iazyges

Coloman, King of Hungary
"Coloman and his younger brother Álmos were still under-age when their father King Géza I of Hungary died and their uncle Ladislaus I ascended the throne in 1077." Perhaps say the age of both or coloman in the lead section at the time? " The king decided to prepare Coloman—who was physically disabled," By what? "Early years (till 1095)" The section head should probably be changed, as it doesnt flow well, and it says his reign started in 1095 under "Reign". "Another possibility is that his name is of Turkish origin, meaning "rest".[8]" is their any reason to suspect causation, correlation is obvious but is it likely that it is the reason? "However, Coloman did not want to respect his uncle's decision and fled to Poland." Somewhat of a weak sentence, because by leaving and not declaring himself king and fighting Almos, he is respecting his uncles decision, perhaps "He fled incase his brother did infact get the throne". "receiving the one-time ducatus or duchy of their father and grandfather, which comprised one third of the kingdom.[15][28]" This sentence could be better said, perhaps, he agreed to give up his claim in exchange for land, which equaled almost a third of the kingdom". "he emperor stated that Coloman had neglected imperial interests "because of his own necessities"" Was hungary considered to be inside the HRE at the time? to my knowledge it never was until the pre-modern era. "after he rebelled against his father and joined the pope's camp.[59][60]" Does the pope's camp mean military literal camp or he joined the holy see? "with only the river Tisza separating them" Could be better rephrased as "separated only by the river Tisza". "Coins minted under Coloman were smaller than those issued in his predecessor's reign, which prevented the cutting down of their smooth edge" Was that the express purpose? More of a personal question. "Split likewise surrendered after a short siege, but two other Dalmatian " perhaps a link to split or else saying "the town of split" because the current structure is a little confusing. "However, according to the Illuminated Chronicle, the queen "was taken in the sin of adultery"" is it ever mentioned who she cheated on him with? Or is it more likely it was just slander? "Russia for the injury done to him"[119] during his campaign of 1099. Russia? is that meant to be the region of modern day russia that included the cumans that defeated him, or is it meant to be muscovy, which was the state that went on to create russia, that insulted him? End of constructive criticism.[118] 11 August 2016
 * Comments by Iazyges

Crusades
"The Crusades were predominantly a series of religious wars" Could be better written as "the crusades were a series of wars, for predominantly religious reasons. "Others consider the Fifth Crusade of Frederick II as two crusades," perhaps the reasoning for why they are considered two separate wars? "successor allowed the Byzantine Empire to rebuild it." Perhaps a the word successor should be a link to the successor or else say the name of the successor? "with Basil II spending most of his half-century reign in conquest" Perhaps change it to "spent most of his half-century reign fighting wars" for easier flow. "Richard I of England conquered the island of Cyprus from the Byzantines " Why is this here? the byzantines were orthodox so it wouldn't have been part of the crusades. "However, within sight of Jerusalem supply shortages forced them to retreat without taking the city." How far from the city exactly (if it is known.) " Pope Gregory IX merged the remainder of the military order into the Teutonic Knights as the Livonian Order.[85]" Somewhat confusing, does this mean they put the livonian order inside the teutonic order as a subsection? "Innocent III also began preaching what became the Fourth Crusade in 1200" This sentence is weird, perhaps "he began preaching for a war that would be the fourth crusade, that happened in 1200." "Led by Andrew II and Leopold VI, Duke of Austria forces of drawn mainly from Hungary, Germany, Flanders, and Frisia achieved little" this sentence is weird, perhaps "troops drawn mainly from hungary, germany, flanders, and frisia were led by Andrew II and Leopold VI, duke of austria, but achieved little." should be added. "treaties with Damascus and Egypt that returned territory to the crusader states." Which ones? "Another truce was agreed for a ten-year period and Louis was ransomed for 800,000 bezants." perhaps a (worth around ____$ today) should be added. "1,537,570 livres, six times the king's annual income." Same thing. "1,000,000 livres in Palestine after his Egyptian campaign" Same thing. "The Teutonic Knights and the Livonian Brothers of the Sword focused on the Baltic. The Order of Santiago, Order of Calatrava, Order of Alcántara, and Order of Montesa concentrated on the Iberian Peninsula and its Reconquista." Does not mention if the teutons, livonians, and all the spanish orders fought in the crusades. "Other than that, original medieval military orders persists until this day, in modern organisations with modified charters." Which ones? End of constructive criticism. 11 August 2016
 * Comments from Iazyges

American Expeditionary Forces on the Western Front (World War I) order of battle
Support Although i would have recommended you peer reviewed it first. Here's a few comments User|Tomandjerry311, feel free to cross them out when they have been dealt with or if you feel it is not necessary,
 * "During the United States campaigns in World War I the AEF fought in France alongside French and British allied forces in the last year of the war, against Imperial German forces." Should specify the last year of the war, incase someone doesn't know, purely because it's in the lead paragraph.
 * " seized German ships, borrowed Allied ships, " this could use some rewording, perhaps "german ships seized by the navy, and ships that were borrowed from allies,"
 * "Barely any American troops were sent to Europe in 1917, since Pershing ordered all AEF forces to be well-trained before going overseas." two things with this one, for one what does well trained mean? it does not elaborate, and two, when the next paragraph talks about 1 million troops in 1918, the barely any part seems a little weird, if it is saying that his order was repealed, then it could use some clarification.
 * The different army breakdowns could use some work, while I do love conciseness, I feel that they are a bit lacking.
 * The image under I corps is excellent, more should be added if available.
 * Is there a reason that some of the field artillery regiments and motor regiments aren't linked when no article exists and some are?
 * The unassigned divisions thing could perhaps have some better explanations, of why they weren't attached, or else if they function on their own or just joined up with other units ad hoc.
 * That's the end of my comments, good job overall, I think it should definitely get promoted.

Vandenberg Air Base

 * "with a mission of placing satellites into polar orbit from the West Coast using expendable boosters" Perhaps "Whose purpose is placing satellites into polar orbit from the West Coast using expendable boosters"


 * "The base is named in honor of former Air Force Chief of Staff General Hoyt Vandenberg." Perhaps an expansion, such as why it was named after him.


 * " Operations involve dozens of federal and commercial interests." Needs expansion.


 * "In 1941 the United States Army sought more and better training centers for the rapid development of its armored and infantry forces." This could be taken to mean either in order to allow for rapid development, or else in order to start the rapid development.


 * The title "Known United States Army Units at Camp Cooke", seems a little weird unless it means concurrently, perhaps "Known United States Army Units That Were Stationed at Camp Cooke"


 * " In January 1956, a select committee was formed that examined more than 200 potential sites before Camp Cooke was chosen," Is the name of the committee known?


 * "The initial mission of Cooke AFB was to serve both as a training site for" training site sounds a bit weird, maybe "served as a base for the 30th space wing to train on"

End.
 * Going back to "The base is named in honor of former Air Force Chief of Staff General Hoyt Vandenberg." the lead makes it appear as if it were always called this, perhaps the piece talking about its renaming should be moved into the lead.