User:Illerasesoon

Andrew Carlson
Andrew Carlson is a London, Ontario based student currently studying law at the University of Western Ontario. His early childhood was spent primarily in Pickering, (a suburb of Toronto) where he lived with his parents and older brother. He attended Queen's University, in Kingston, Ontario for his post-secondary education. Following four years at Queen's, including a year abroad at the University of Glasgow in Scotland, Carlson graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Mathematics in 2005.

Early Years
Nothing is known about Carlson's origins, except that he was discovered on the steps of a local church wearing nothing but a wolf medallion. Officially adopted on October 4, 1982 by a loving middle-class family, Carlson (adopted name) distinguished himself academically from his peers at an early age, notably by reciting Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman at his third birthday party.

Endowed with a keen wit and biting sarcasm, Carlson was often misunderstood by his first-grade classmates and, as a result, was often ignored on the playground. Unable to relate to his peers, Carlson spent much of his early childhood becoming disenfranchised with Western civilization. Nietzsche was especially influential, as Carlson strongly identifying with the philosopher's unique, free-form stylization and the author's demonstrations of the inadequacies of normative modes of thought.

Unsurprisingly, as the young Carlson connected more and more with the great thinkers and artists of old, he became increasingly ostracized by his classmates. Initially, Carlson was hurt by the rejection of his peers, and for much of his sixth grade year attempted to fit in by going to pool parties and suppressing his views on morality and contemporary society's lack thereof. A particularly genuine but ultimately fruitless effort to relate to his classmates 'Skinner,' 'Scooter,' and 'Watty' was his attempted adoption of a schoolyard nickname, specifically 'The Iron Chancellor ("der Eiserne Kanzler").'

While trying his best to remain humble and modest, Carlson came to understand that he actually was better than everybody else. This epiphany struck on October 4th, 1992 at his 10th birthday party, at which he famously exclaimed:

'''Peers have not rejected me, for I have none. As these festivities die tonight, so shall my subjugation by lesser beings. I shall return to my study. And on that threshold I shall strip naked and put on the robes of court and palace, and in this graver dress I shall enter the halls of the ancients and will be welcomed by them, and there I shall taste the food that alone is mine, and for which I was born.'''

With this, Carlson left the mini-putt course, travelled to Tibet, and, following visions imparted to him through his wolf medallion, discovered and joined an ancient monastic order known only to the local populace as the Car Diem Ducass Lupine La, which roughly translates to 'Wolf Knights of the Ancient Order of La' or 'Those Guys At The Top Of The Mountain.'

Adolescence
Carlson excelled under the tutelage of the monks and advanced quickly through their ranks, mastering a range of martial arts, vocal techniques and at least seventeen known languages. This training was not without its physical toll, however. During his final test as an acolyte ' one in which he successfully defeated a dozen swordsmen using nothing but his face ' Carlson suffered a hideously disfiguring wound to his left cheek.

Humiliated by his accurately self-perceived repulsiveness, Carlson fled the monastery that very night, abandoning his masculinity along the way. While little is known about the following years, evidence suggests that Carlson secretly studied fashion design in Paris, ballet in Moscow, mud-wrestling in Athens, and interior decorating in New York City. Unconfirmed rumours suggest that he became an important figure in San Fransico's drag scene. At some time during this period it is believed that he also built up immunity to the utterly odourless and tasteless iocaine powder.

Adulthood
The first recorded reappearance of Carlson after his self-imposed exile was in 1999 when a small newspaper in West Virginia roundly panned him for progressive but too-soon gender-bending performance as Frederic(a) in the community-theatre premiere of Pirates of Penzance. Unable to relate to his audience, in part because of the partial mask he wore to hide his mangled face, Carlson left community theatre and joined a travelling circus.

Unsurprisingly, the scope and variety of Carlson's circus performances were immense. Common acts include a variety of acrobatics and gymnastics including tightrope walking, trapeze and a variety of floor routines. Unlike other performers of his style, he incorporated jazz, latin & world music into his routines. In October 2001, on his 19th birthday, Carlson signed up for one year of voluntary service with the Prussian artillery division in Naumburg. However, a bad riding accident in March 2002 left him unfit for service, and for having children.

Resigned to his fate as a misunderstood and underappreciated genius, Carlson returned home and attempted to re-integrate himself into Canadian society by enroling at Queen's University and, subsequently, at the University of Western Ontario. His life since has been generally uneventful.