User:Illnab1024/AP

Shaw Openings 1) The first sentence seems out of order; it would be better for emphasis to not only move around the order but also redo some of the prepositional phrases, although the word choice is fitting. Even so, this opening seems to go too quickly onto the paper's topic, and also forgets the author's name.

2) Apart from the fact that I completely disagree with this author's view, I do know the view because it has been clearly stated. Beginning with "In the excerpt" is not the best thing that could be done here, and the latter clause seems longer than it should be, but I think the word choice and the clarity is well achieved.

3) Summising the point of the letter the author is criticising has had no effect upon my understanding of the author's view concerning the letter.

4) Restating the prompt for which the author is writing has had no effect upon my understanding of the author's opinion that is hopefully stated within his response to the prompt.

5) My first notion of the author is influenced by "[Shaw's] carefully chosen words"--I'd hope they were carefully chosen, as Shaw has won a Nobel Prize in Literature. And, while the author has noted points of the excerpt's diction and detail here, I have no notion of what diction and detail the author is going to elaborate.

6) This is straightforward, and it is not for the better. Additionally, it is in a reverse order for the context, and that is why it sounds more straightforward than it is.

7) While this does a better job than the previous, it still lacks appropiate word choice and also gives little detail on the author's opinion, apart from the word "whimsical."

8) "Maternal like" is a German formation; here its purpose is redundant, because in German this construction forms an adjective of a noun, and "maternal" is an adjective already. To continue, maternal isn't at all the appropriate term; if the author wanted to keep parellelism, then he should have used "carries a tone more common to relations between two friends than between a mother and son." The first sentence does not share a central idea with the next; even though I can see that the second sentence is meant to detail the first, they have no strong link nor a proper transition.

9) "Convey" brought me to hope that maybe the author would say exactly what diction and detail Shaw used to create his attitude, and then the author smashed by hopes by not even elaborating over through what Shaw conveyed his attitude. The word choice had good potential.

10) The misplaced comma hurts the eyes, but, aside from that error, this opening could only be improved with changing the order to bring the main idea into the main clause or by detailing with what style he shows this deep connection.

11) This opening does not describe which attitude Shaw expresses, or in what way Shaw expresses it, and it fails to note several details that would allow the reader the courtesy of knowing what the essay is about.

12) The first two sentences need to be combined, or else the steadiness of thought that a large opening allows is lost amidst a description of human nature. After this, the third sentence needs an effective transition, as Irish names simply do not do great work in easing the flow of thought. In the fourth sentence, "passively" isn't the most descriptive term. Additionally, "seemingly" is redundant, as the thought of his enjoyment is conveyed in prose; without seemingly clotting up the sentence, exactly how Shaw "enjoys" this could be minorly elaborated upon. Nevertheless, this opening lacks no necessary detail, and the last sentence is near perfect in context.

13) This sentence lacks the key part of any opening: a point. The author has not displayed an opinion, nor has he even implied one, other than that maybe Shaw has created underscoring religious tones in his letter.

14) Here, the second "attitude" could easily be replaced with "tone," and it needs to be replaced with something or else the train of logic is going in a very tight circle in the author's essay. This opening also lacks the nicety of an introduction.

15) "Which can be best described" is a terribly verbose phrase, especially in the context where an author is describing something. "It is also clear that" brings more bluntness to a clause than just plainly stating the clause. "Throughout the piece" is mildly redundant, because the prompt is a question concerning the piece--perhaps something similar to "Shaw consistently uses powerful [...]" could be used.

<p style="margin-bottom:1.2em;text-indent:.75em;">17) Commas are needed in "serious[, ]dramatic" and in "during the burial[, ]or a tear-jerking." Additionally, this opening lacks a point, one that could have been made in the next sentence but, surprisingly, was omitted.

<p style="margin-bottom:1.2em;text-indent:.75em;">18) "In this letter" is too laconic to serve well as an introduction. However, this opening is one of the select few that directly answers the prompt. The word choice here could be improved.

<p style="margin-bottom:1.2em;text-indent:.75em;">19) The very first relative clause seems misused: it would either not be set apart from the main sentence by commas because the author is indicating to the reader that this is the letter Shaw wrote concerning his mother's cremation, or it would not exist because the author assumes that the reader knows what piece this essay concerns. The passive voice here is also entirely unnecessary. The last sentence also forgets to bear the opinion of the essay that would allow the reader to know the author's opinion firsthand.

<p style="margin-bottom:1.2em;text-indent:.75em;">20) This opening is evanescent in duration and detail. Even though the author tells the attitude, the author fails to mention anything concerning the diction, detail, or style of Shaw's piece that would be weighted in a response to the prompt.

<p style="margin-bottom:1.2em;text-indent:.75em;">21) While not so brief, this opening still only describes Shaw's detail and half of his attitude. "Long" is not the best word in its context, even though the adjectives following it are very well-picked. The primary interesting feature of this opening is the author's initialisation of Shaw's name.

<p style="margin-bottom:1.2em;text-indent:.75em;">22# George Shaw's piece about his mother's passing does not dwell on sadness or death but makes it his mother's release into Mother Nature. <p style="margin-bottom:1.2em;text-indent:.75em;"> 22) Sadness and death do not correlate well with dwelling. The opening's meaning is also obfuscated by one pronoun that sounds odd in its place: "but makes it"--the "it" should be expanded, and then the following "his mother's" should be reduced to "her." Also, another clause should be added to make the author's opinion on Shaw's diction and detail clear, as this only barely implies his opinion.