User:JSMoskowitz/Italian Wars of 1499–1504/RenaissanceMan1389 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

JSMoskowitz


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * Italian Wars of 1499–1504


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Italian Wars of 1499–1504

Evaluate the drafted changes
I couldn't find the new draft in the Sandbox, so I'm just going to evaluate the current article to see how it can be improved...

The lead needs to be improved. There is a grammatical error in the coordinating conjunction between the second to last and the last sentence of the lead, and these sentences are generally pretty vague. It is also pretty short and doesn't describe the significance of the event.

I would add more about Cesare Borgia's actions and describe the Treaty of Granada. Including Machiavelli's analysis from the Prince would be nice here. The part about Louis's disputed claim to Naples is pretty hard to follow and should be clarified. It's also disorganized with the Treaty of Granada being brought up twice in similar contexts in different parts of the section on the Second War. I would also go into more detail about the campaign in Milan and the significance of France taking this territory. In general, I think the article could use a lot of work, particularly in flow and clarity, as well as structure within the sections. It is currently lacking a lot of information that gives good context. I would also merge it with the page on the first war and just title all three of these Italian Wars as "The Italian Wars under Pope Alexander VI" or something to that effect. It doesn't make sense to combine 2&3 and leave 1 out, and the death of Alexander represents a big enough shift in Italian politics (even more so than Charles's death in my opinion) that a break in 1503 would make more sense, if combining the wars at all.