User:Jack Conall

John Maloney was born on the 7th day of our lord in the year Nineteen Ninety Seven. It was said that the moment his eyes first felt the sweet burn of daylight, the angels of Heaven sang a song of joy and celebration. He first stood on two legs at the age of 13 minutes, walked at the age of 13 hours, and was capable of jogging and sprinting by his week of life. After breezing through primary and secondary schools, he entered Yale at the age of 12. He earned master's degrees in history, bioengineering, nuclear engineering, law, political science, journalism, and pathroleum engineering. Along with his academic success, he has also thrived in the field of martial arts. He has obtained black belts in TaeKwonDo, Muay Thai, Brazilian Ju-Jitzu, Irish Stick-fighting, and Krav-Maga. Maloney's social life is also one to be admired. In the words of those lower than him, "He sure knows how to get the bitches".