User:Jackkirk18/Child actor/Stubilan Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Jackkirk18


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Jackkirk18/Child actor


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Child actor

Evaluate the drafted changes
Tone and Balance

This draft is worded more like a class paper than if it were to be published on Wikipedia page. To keep a more neutral tone, I suggest straying away from using first and second person pronouns such as "I" and "you". It sounds like you're making more of an argument with your additions, rather than stating matter-of-factly.

For example,

"This brings me into my next point of Daniel Radcliffe and his struggles with alcohol abuse because of Harry Potter. He said, “There is an awareness that I really struggled with particularly in my late teens when I was going out to places for the first time where you would feel, again it could have largely been in my head but, you would feel watched when you went into a bar, when you went into a pub.” (ITV 3)[1]. This is a great example of the consequences of child stardom."

Rewritten for a more neutral tone would be: " Alcoholism can be a consequence of child stardom. According to [source name], Daniel Radcliffe comments on his own struggle with alcohol abuse... "quote"..."