User:Jacob Khorsandi/Cellestine Ware/Cliopentimento Peer Review

General info
Jacob Khorsandi
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Jacob%20Khorsandi/Cellestine_Ware?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists):

Evaluate the drafted changes
This draft is fairly weak and needs a lot of improvement. It is not organized. There is no lead section. It is unclear why it starts with the book publication. Many of issues should have been resolved and fixed before submitting the draft. Also problematically, there is no clear explanation of Ware's trajectory, and the discussion of her feminist thought, writing, and activism are vague and unclear.

I'm making comments and edits in the below section in ALL CAPS BOLD. And I suggest deleting what I put in bold brackets [ ].

Please see me if you have any questions.

Woman Power: The Movement for Women's Liberation
Cellestine Ware is the author of a book titled, Woman Power: The Movement for Women's Liberation. This book was published in 1970. (COMBINE INTO ONE SENTENCE) In this book, Ware showcases her knowledge of the second-wave feminist movement, ['''? THE PURPOSE OF HER BOOK TO SHOWCASE HER OWN KNOWLEDGE? OR TO TELL READERS ABOUT THE MOVEMENT AND FOMENT ACTIVISM? REWORD'''] which began in the early 1960s and lasted roughly two decades. Ware argued that the Women's Liberation Movement, exemplified by the New York Radical Feminists, suffered from drastic racial disparities in terms of women's representation. (WAS ONE OF THE PURPOSES OF HER BOOK WAS ACTUALLY TO HIGHLIGHT RACISM WITHIN THE WOMEN'S LIBERATION MOVEMENT? BE MUCH CLEARER AND MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT THE BOOK WAS DOING) In her book, Ware WRITES THAT [illustrates that] "The Women's Liberation Movement is a multitude of white women with an only occasional black sister to lend color to the meetings." Regarding this issue, Ware promoted rhetoric that underscored sex in order to encourage unity amongst Black and White women in the liberation movement. (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?) Furthermore, in Ware's book, she proposes the concept of "consciousness-raising." (SHE PROPOSES IT? SHE DID NOT COIN THIS TERM. USE MORE PRECISE WORDING) Utilizing this notion, Ware called upon feminist groups, including the Redstockings and the New York Radical Feminists, to embrace theory. (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?) She advocated that consciousness-raising enables feminists to build group intimacy, create internal democracy, direct concern toward institutionalized oppression, and provide women with the skills in comprehending and initiating political action. (THIS SENTENCE IS MORE HELPFUL. TRY TO CONNECT WHAT HER THEORIES WERE ABOUT RACISM TO CONSCIOUSNESS RAISING SPECIFICALLY AND DO A BETTER AND MORE THOROUGH JOB EXPLAINING THE SUBSTANCE OF THE BOOK. HOW WA IT ORGANIZED, FOR INSTANCE?)

New York Radical Feminists
Cellestine Ware was one of the founding members of the New York Radical Feminists (NYRF), which was a radical feminist group founded in 1969. She was one of the few black women who were involved in the radical women's liberation movement. (BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT HOW YOU'RE DEFINING RADICL WOMEN'S LIBERATION MOVEMENT. THERE WERE MANY BLACK WOMEN WHO ENGAGED IN FEMINIST ACTIVISM IN THIS TIME) WHY IS THERE NOT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE NEW YORK RADICAL FEMINISTS HERE?

Early Life and Education
Cellestine Ware was born in Cleveland, Ohio. (WHEN? WHAT WAS HER BACKGROUND? MIDDLE CLASS WORKING CLASS, ANY INFO ABOUT HER PARENTS?) In the year of 1962, she graduated from Radcliffe COLLEGE [University] in Cambridge, Massuchusetts. Cellestine's commitment to feminism and racial justice deepened during her undergraduate years when she realized the division and ultimate standards (?) that were set (?) not only between males and females but black females in specific. (THIS SENTENCE IS CONFUSING AND DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. USE CLEARER, MORE PRECISE LANGUAGE.) In her personal experiences, she had get through many obstacles in order to gain the same freedom and social standards that others had. (VAGUE. BE MORE SPECIFIC AND CLEARER)

Black Feminism
Until the 1960s, the main demographic of those who participated in the feminist movement were white, middle-class women. (ARE YOU REFERRING TO FEMINISM BEFORE THE 1960s OR FEMINISM THAT EMERGED IN THE MID TO LATE 1960s? BE CLEARER, AND ALSO BE CLEAR THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO SELF IDENTIFIED AS FEMINISTS (MANY BLACK WOMEN WERE ENGAGED IN ACTIVISM THAT COULD BE CONSIDERED FEMINIST FOR CENTURIES, AS OUR CLASS HAS DEMONSTRATED) AND CITE SOURCES) While there were a variety of factors that contributed to the reluctance of minority women in participating in the movement, such as the apprehension of dividing the minority community, an emphasis on the social movement for black rights that was simultaneously occurring, and limited understanding of feminism, the key factor was racism. '''EXPLAIN THIS MORE--RACISM OF WHOM? AND WHAT GROUPS SPECIFICALLY?''' However, Cellestine Ware who was an African-American feminist was one of the first Black women to break this traditional mold of the feminist movement in the 1960s and 1970s. HOW DID SHE MEET WHITE FEMINISTS AND START ORGANIZING WITH THEM? She took a constructive approach that demanded that Black women take initiative in proactive engagement and participation instead of being idle. (WHOSE WORDS ARE "CONSTRUCTIVE APPROACH"? WERE THEY HER WORDS OR A SCHOLARS. EXPLAIN WHERE THAT TERM COMES FROM AND USE QUOTES IF YOU'RE QUOTING) As such, Ware played an integral part in Black feminism (DEFINED HOW?) emerging as both a distinct and essential voice within the broader feminist movement. She advocated for the intersectionality of race, gender, and class but also challenged the ethnocentric perspectives that had previously characterized feminist discourse. (BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT HER ADVOCACY. THESE SENTENCES ARE A BIT VAGUE. SHOW US HOW SHE DID THIS.)

Ware's Beliefs
Consciousness raising was a trending movement by American Feminists during the late 1960's. This movement intends to frequently manifests as an effort by a group of people to draw attention to a certain issue or cause among a larger audience. (REWRITE WITH GREATER CLARITY. THIS WRITING IS WEAK AND VAGUE.) Ware one of the MOST INFLUENTIAL [biggest] Black feministS, believes WHY IS THIS IN PRESENT TENSE? differently than her predecessors (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?) and altered the idea of Consciousness raising. As a tool of achieving feminine self-discovery, ware examines demands for a female social science, female political systems, female language and culture, and so forth. Wide-ranging and institutional in focus are Ware's insights. Her art aims to drastically rearrange society. Ware criticizes radical women, especially white women who prioritized politics and issues other than feminism and women's rights. (THIS ENTIRE LAST SECTION MAKES LITTLE SENSE AND NEEDS TO BE REWRITTEN)