User:Jennyfayfay/Tiwanaku Empire/Honga2 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

User:Jennyfayfay


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Jennyfayfay/Tiwanaku_Empire?preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Tiwanaku Empire

Evaluate the drafted changes
Hi Jennifer, I think your proposed additions to the article will be very valuable to its overall quality. I read your post on Blog #3, and there is definitely information there that is not represented in the article. In that respect, I think you're off to a great start already.

Looking at the agriculture section in the article, there are definitely several places that need to be copyedited for grammar. Additionally, the last two sentences in the fifth paragraph (starting with "This essentially allowed for two...") read very much like someone making inferences based on something they read, rather than the actual research that was done. In the same paragraph, I think the reference to Matthew Bandy's work on the subject is quite abrupt. He is suddenly referenced by name without any sort of introduction. You may want to consider adding a sentence explaining who he is, similar to how Alan Kolata and Oswaldo Rivera are introduced in the paragraph above, or remove his name from the sentence entirely.

Finally, I also wonder if the agriculture section should be its own headlined portion of the article. It is currently a subsection of "Rise," but the section seems more-so focused on agricultural techniques than how agriculture actually contributed to the rise of the Tiwanaku civilization.

It seems like you have a good idea of what you want to do with this article. Good luck!