User:Jillian DeGrie/The Factory (book)/Rhs2x Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Jillian DeGrie, FatimaRazzaq, Nmorgan5


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Jillian DeGrie/The Factory (book)
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)

Evaluate the drafted changes
Disclaimer: Overall, your first draft is impressive and extremely well-written. Below are some personal suggestions, though I do not claim to know what's right and what's wrong. Do with them as you wish. Keep up the good work! ;)

Lead:

The first introductory sentence seems to have a slight grammatical error. As of right now, the sentence is, "The Factory is a novel written by Japanese author Hiroko Oyamada is a Japanese..." I think this may be a run-on/need revising. Other than that, I think the lead section is the perfect length and sets up the reader for the content of the wiki article. I like the extremely succinct one sentence synopsis as well.

Content:

First and foremost, I think your article would benefit from a content box at the beginning of the article between the lead and table of contents.

The content in your article is extremely thorough and interesting while remaining biased. While I like each of your sections, personally I would put the plot summary before the setting section though I understand that understanding the setting helps the reader understand the summary better. Also, one tiny comment: in the end of your setting section, you mention a sentence about a character. I think you could move this down to your characters section.

Overall, your summary is great. I think you switch back and forth from past to present tense a few times so it may be good to pick one or the other and change all to one tense. To be honest, I think it is only in a few sentences. Example] " She graduated school with a liberal arts degree..." could become "After graduating with a liberal arts degree..."?

As far as your secondary characters sub-heading, I think you could leave out a few unless you provide some informational tidbits. To me and other readers, they have no context and are not necessary. I do not think they weaken your article, but they do not add anything new.

Tone:

I think your tone is extremely neutral and respects both sides well. Just out of curiosity, is there anything critical you could find for the reception section?

Resources:

For some reason, when I clicked on some of your resource links (links 1 and 5) I could not open them. They took me to invalid sites. I am not sure if these sources were found on JEWL and cannot be seen unless logged in, but I would look into that. Your other sources did work and were neutral, informative, and thorough. Throughout the article, the linked citations correspond with the information paraphrased.

Organization:

Like mentioned before, I think the last section of your setting section can be moved to the character section. Also as mentioned before, I would personally put the setting section after the summary section.

Photos and Imagery:

I do like the spread of pictures that you have included. Are there any images that might be more specific to your text versus general stock images?

New Draft:

Your connections to other wiki articles are beneficial to the overall strength of your article. As mentioned before, I think a content box is needed to clearly document facts about the book (Publishing Co., length, author, etc.).