User:Joetedweb

Back in '84 Paul Brown and Chris Timewell had a dream. Aliens chased them relentlessly across the Galaxy in their never-ending quest for complete domination of the Universe and destruction of the Human race.

In 1989 the two school-chums decided to form a band with the intention of performing classics from the likes of George Formby and his ilk. However they soon realised that the ilk was an endangered species, only found on the higher ranges of the Himalayas in Tibet and Nepal, so they didn't. Instead they created a musical phenomenon. Soon they discovered Clive Davis. He had been entombed in ice for many long lonely centuries, put there by the aforementioned aliens. Once thawed, he became a guitar force to be reckoned with. They soon set about penning such classics as Killer for Hire and Welcome to Heaven. This was also the time of the writing of their two-minute epic Kamikaze (Die for your Country). The song empowered the listener to understand Japanese people crashing their planes. Deliberately. However, there was also a serious side to the song.

They soon realised that there was a segment missing from their musical four-piece Jigsaw. They had forgotten to recruit a Drummer. They soon remedied this with the inclusion of John 'Jon' Crees on Percussion. Now complete the Jigsaw was there for all around them to admire and cherish. This was a period of great creativity for the band. It was during this line-up that the band gained a more melodic musical stance. Little were they to know that they were soon to be dealt a two in the cards of fate.

John announced that he had to leave the band to pursue a career in the sewage industry. This was a bad period for the band as John had become like a drummer to them, but they took the news with their usual good grace and started on their quest for a new drumming legend. They sought out the advice of Elric the Dwarf Prince who told them to go and look at the adverts in the Music Shop. It was a glorious adventure where friendships were lost and gained and one man's courage could change a world. The next day they found a drummer who happened to know a guitarist and soon the next incarnation of Ted and the Stamp Collectors was born. However they were rubbish and were sacked due to their incontinence.

The search for a new drummer would not have been out of place in Lilliput, such was its shortness. Max was referred to them by a person who later would bring great weight behind the futherment of their band, a Mr Joseph Gare. Max 'Well' House was a percussionist who played percussion instruments, including Timpani. This was a source of great mirth to the band (who had always enjoyed Fishing). However their jubilation and merriment were to be short-lived. Elric the dwarf was dead. Murdered in his bed by Melroc the Sorcerer. The band set about revenging the death of their vertically challenged chum and released an album entitled Melroc smells. Melroc was never heard from again, vanquished by our stunning heroes. The effort of creating this masterpiece had obviously been too much for Max who was found dead in his flat after imbibing a cocktail of drink and Wotsits. Actually, he wasn't dead, but his breath did rather stink of cheese and so he was politely asked to leave the band. The press release after this event cited halitosis as the reason for the split.

The now familiar scenario of finding a new drummer to, as they say 'play dem drums' again took place. Little did they realise how close the answer to all their problems was. Joe Gare was recruited into the band and he proved to be more useful than just his drumming abilities. It was now time for the band to play their first gig and unleash themselves on an unsuspecting and unhinged audience. The end of the gig held a turning point for the band. They had to reverse the cars out of the car park at the end of the performance. Also, unbenowntstistist to the band verily, a new sound was coming their way. Dave 'Tom' Boland (who was in t' audience me old china) was so besotted with the band's vibe that he immediately enlisted himself as a member. Yes. Dave was a 'keyboard player' who was useful for driving the band around (bringing his multitude of handy equipment with him). It was at this time the ice warrior; 'Clive' decided it was time to return to his roots. The band tried to explain that he wasn't a tree, but it was like painting a carrot, and so they let him go. With their new line up they embarked on a world tour 'of' Aylesbury in Hampshire, playing such illustrious venues as Walton Hall and Stoke Mandeville Horsepiddle Family 'Fun' 'Day'. Indeed. Then 'Dave' 'left' the 'band'. Actually he was sacked for being the worst keyboard player conceived in reality and theory. He also smelled of cabbage.

The future sees the band continuing....

Hmmm. Super.