User:Jquarry/If Programming Languages were Cars

Years ago, I saw a list (it was a treeware photocopy&mdash;that's how long ago) of the most common programming languages of the day. Each one was compared to some popular brand of vehicle, for marketroids and the lay person to understand. Maybe you have seen it too, I'm sure it's floating around the Net in various incarnations. Anyway the list had things like Cobol and Pascal, stone-age languages which no one except bored acedemics and pathetic old timers bother with anymore. Like a dusty, yellowing brochure of the Holden Kingswood, this would not do for today's hi-paced computer industry. So I have compiled a more up-to-date list for your viewing pleasure.

(Oh yeah, sorry about the blatant Americanisms, but in keeping with the original flavou^Hr...)

C - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Or at least it used to be&mdash;she's looking a bit dated now, with fading paintwork and blowing smoke. Still popular with some dedicated enthusiasts and old-timers who refuse to move on.

C++ - Newer model C with many additional appointments, but even this is looking dated. Owing to the sheer quantity produced and its popularity among chop-shops, this model continues to be on the road in huge numbers.

Delphi - The 1990's re-released VW Beetle. A swell idea at the time, it received a lot of press, but just wasn't the same. Nevertheless it enjoys a modest following.

Ada-95 - Mercedes-Benz luxury off-roader. Army green. An immaculate and fine looking machine, goes anyplace with ease, and completely unaffordable to anyone without a military budget.

Visual Basic - A six-wheeled amphibious Humvee, the go-anywhere do-anything vehicle, complete with train-track bogies and sucker-feet for scaling cliff faces. Comes with a booster seat so any kiddie can drive it.

Java - A beautiful shiney new SUV with all the mod-cons: Hands-free phone, DVD, GPS, side airbags. But is a gas-guzzling monster with a top speed of 40 mph. One morning you found it parked in your driveway without remembering having bought one.

Javascript - Designed to be a compact version of the Java, with the all the same appointments. But is really just a motorised shopping cart.

.NET/C# - Touted as an alternative to the Java&mdash;supposedly faster, more economical and with better accoutrements, but you have your doubts. When boarded a pleasant voice announces "Where do you want to go today?" and all the doors lock.

Tcl/Tk - The Goggomobile "microcar". It is almost a real car, almost; but four children could pick it up and carry it away.

HTML - Electric car. Excellent idea, clean, quiet, environmentally friendly, politically sound. Pity it has a mere 80 mile range and takes 7 hours to "fill up". (To be fair, HTML is not a programming language... the comparison stands.)

XML - Electric/fuel hybrid. Great tradeoff, the advantages of clean electric drive with the convenience and power of a gasoline engine. And with the combined complexities of the two.

CGI - Ice-cream van. Lots of bells and whistles, and all the little kiddies come running out after it.

ActiveX - Vespa "step-thru" motorscooter. Quiet, economical, easy to ride. European styling gives you a feeling of being cool. But deep down you wish you could handle a "real" motorcycle.

Flash - A high-speed car video game. "Drivers" can do anti-social things not normally tolerated in the real world, such as ramming through buildings, outrunning police and splattering pedestrians. Popular with teenagers and the unemployed.

SQL - A municipal pothole-filling machine. It does what it was designed to do extremely well, but at 8 tons and a top speed of 5 mph there must be better ways of getting around.

MS-DOS Scripting - A bicycle fitted with a weedwhacker engine. Noisy, smelly, good for just one person, you pray it doesn't rain. Everyone laughs as you go sputtering down the road. For people who are too cheap to buy real transportation.

Unix Shell Scripting - Doctor Who's TARDIS. Disguised as an innocuous object, this is a truly wonderous machine; compact on the outside, enormous on the inside, requiring no fuel and being able to move to any point in space & time with ease. Unfortunately you have to be a propeller-head from the planet Gallifrey to operate it.

Make - Australian road train&mdash;a 150-ton gargantua of steel and rubber barrelling along at 80 mph. Great for hauling an enormous amount of stuff all at once. Takes a "real" man to drive this baby. But if it breaks down you must call all thirty-five previous owners who ever made modifications to the vehicle.

Lisp - In appearance, a rowboat with wheels attached. No matter hard you flap the oars, it only proceeds in short jerky movements&mdash;and in the wrong direction.

Python - The Abrams M1 tank. Elegant design, low-profile, yet extremely powerful and fast enough in terms of simple land speed to get you there in time to pound the opposition to dust. Also very easy to drive&mdash;the average soldier can be trained to drive it effectively within one day. However, the seats (and steering, and all control surfaces in fact) are arranged in fixed positions. (Thanks to Derek for this one.)

Perl - A Ford Taurus or Holden Commodore, your average family car. Rock solid and dependable, with reasonably good appointments, this one is excellent value-for-money. You wouldn't go out of your way to brag about owning one, but it gets you from A to B with the least amount of hassle. You get a reassuring feeling from the number of imitators, too.

Forth - A wind in your face lightweight English sports car with the steering wheel on the wrong side. It is as likely to find an owner under the bonnet on the side of the road as behind the wheel on any given weekend.