User:Jtownrav

Action hero tour guide Joshua Levinson is an historian teacher, fighter of progressive facism and drinker of fine beberages. He is most often involuntarily celebate.

He has beem accused by some, often those God blessed with small penises, of being a self hating Jew. This is a fallacy.

Though he hates God and often speaks of his hatred of the behavior of his fellow Israelis, he does not hate himself.

In fact with reference to God he often begins his day at 5am by adorning tefillin, reciting prayers and afterwards he spends upwards of 2 minutes in front of a standing mirror, nude and masturbating while flexing the bicep of his free hand and repeating, "You can't see me God because you don't exist."

He rarely lasts more than two minutes and from the outside this daily mirror ceremony may appear to contradict his morning prayer but, having experienced all military and civilian beuracracy in Israel has to offer, he lives by the creed of  covering his bases.

Joshua was raised "all over" as he likes to say in order to create an air of mystery.

He has lived with Indians (the feather kind, not the dot), been a cowboy, partied with the fabulous and free folk of San Francisco (the city in which he was kicked out of a party for asking one of the hosts for a spoon - a girl he met on the front steps had ice cream but no spoon and Joshua thought getting her a spoon would eventually lead to her allowing him to put his penis onside of her for up to two minutes but being San Francisco the hosts thought he was going to cook and inject heroine).

She did not allow him to insert his penis in her, just as most women do not allow him.

Joshua lived in the Netherlands and Caribbean with, as he describes, his "cun* whor* demon mistress spawn of satan ex wife," adored by Joshua second only to his "soul sucking drunk just die already" mother, for whom he cares and provides her a home in his one bedroom apartment like a good Jewish boy.

Joshua has engaged in battle in several countries, been dropped from a helicopter, threatened with execution in a ditch, fallen asleep on bars, fallen down stairs and lost more money than most people on Earth will ever have. This, he says, "is how God tortures me for knowing He doesnt exist."

Joshua would like one day to become am ordained rabbi.

He believes his schizophrenic friend is a prophet and often feels a personal responsibility to protect him from the Jewish state because as a man named Don Antonio who walks around Jerusalem with high end art and words of wisdom once told him and his friend at Mike's Place Jerusalem as the Don ate french fries and Joshua imbibed around 3pm on a Tuesday, "Jerusalem hates her prophets! She is still competing with Rome!"

Joshua is an expert on Rome and brings it up in every conversation. He can describe Roman orgies with the style of a Harvard professor. It is believed Joshua never attended university.

He often dresses up as a cross of Han Solo and Indiana Jones and helps tourists find places to drink.

He has had sex in multiple Jerusalem parks because he lives with his mother who is often passed out on his floor when he gets home, surrounded by a clan of wild cats she has adopted and keeps in Joshua's home.

While in the former Yugoslavia during the 1990s civil war he put a bed sheet on like a toga and went on a balcony as fighting went on and screamed, "Friends, Romans, countrymen!" and gave a speech on the issue of statehood.

He traveled to Africa with the goal of writing as a journalist and ended up fighting. When asked about the war he says all he remembers  is doing brown brown.

He once convinced a friend to go to a Jerusalem tourist bar to find tourist chics. Once there at the bar with drinks, his friend said, "Dude, there aren't any girls here."

"Yeah there are," he slurred, "right there," and he pointed to the other side of the bar. His friend looked then turned to Joshua.

"Are you talking about the 300 pound girl? She's huge," his friend said.

Joshua smiled. "Yeah," he said, "fat girls -" then he paused and began strattling the bar stool, moving up and down, " - like to riiiiide...". He then called her over, found out she was a progressive, and pointed out that she had not learned how to think.

On the way out another girl was walking in. Joshua tried to say, "How you doin?' But all that came out was one long syllable and no words. He then walked into a wall.

There is a story involving working as a driver in Florida, ladies of the night and Joshua nearly losing his life.

Once at his local Jerusalem favorite, Shanty, he turned and introduced himself to a young American sitting next to him, then asked his name. "Yeah I know who you are," he said. "We've met 14 times.

"Well then," Joshua said with a slur and dismissive hand wave, "I guess youre not that memorable."

He claims to have never watched gay porn and noone believes him.

He once invited someone to a party then screamed when she spoke, "Hey! You're talking over Marvin Gay! You can't talk over Marvin Gay!" He then smiled, eyes closed and sang along.

He wears a scarf like Lawrence of Arabia. He hopes to travel to Iran, Yemen and Beirut within the year but the farthest ge normally gets is Mike's Place Tel Aviv.

He has had one Tinder date in Jerusalem with a thirty-something Iraqi Jewish woman for afternoon drinks. It was pleasant and Joshua said perhaps if work permits they could grab lunch the next day. The following day she texted him 17 times abd called in 15 minite intervals for hours. Joshua then realized she wanted to have a baby.

He lives in fear that he will meet a young woman at a bar who, upon hearing his name, will say, "You knew my mother when she was a tourist here 20 years ago  You're my father."

He is known for his catch phrase, "OK I think its time for me to head home," slurred with a smile, followed by, "after this one."

Women are attracted to him, intrigued and turned on but he eventually cant read the room and suggests they sleep together as if he's inviting them for coffee and he tells them there's an unlocked utility closet in his building they can use because his "whore blood-sucking mother who killed my father" is at home then offers the option of going to their place and falls out of his chair.

He occasionally gets laid and always thanks God afterwards just to cover his bases then curses Him for giving him a thin penis and then laughs and falls asleep with a cigarette in his hand.

The prostitute he just paid an hour's wage for two minutes of ecstacy always puts out the cigarette and puts MILF porn on to ease him to sleep and leaves though his mother sometimes pays her extra to pet her cats.

He has lost phone numbers for more high ranking government officials than one could imagine.

He is still in Israel. A zionist hero.

There is speculation he will light a tourch at the next Independence Day ceremony.