User:Katefogarty7/Federico Cesi/Kmd43p Peer Review

General info
Katefogarty7
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing:User:Katefogarty7/Federico Cesi
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists):Federico Cesi

Evaluate the drafted changes
Starting with the first sentence I think the wording is a little redundant. I think omitting the "looking into" or changing it to a synonym would sound better. I think that the first and second sentence can be combined into one, showing that the a way he was becoming more familiar with astronomy was by reading research like Kepler's. If you have the information on it I would add what he learned by reading their research, since it feels unrelated to the next sentence about telescopes.


 * For the points I mentioned above it might make it flow better if you add/change a sentence at the beginning to say: " Cesi started gain interest in studying astronomy around 1605, and he pursued this by reading Kepler and reading about telescope inventions...". Something along those lines would work to tie all the points together since they seem separate. (obviously you would need to polish what I said up with your own details)

Next I would add a phrase/sentence connecting him looking into a telescope, and the letter that was sent in August. I think a smooth connection would be nice. The next thing I would do is change how you write about his trip to della Porta. I think it is important to start with what his interest there was, why he went, then talk about him going and what he learned. I also think some of the phrasing of this section could be worked on, for instance in this sentence "Cesi was able to see the advancements that della Porta came up" I would change came up with to something more formal since that is the tone of everything else that follows. If you know id might be usefull to either explain what those advancement were, or link to in on another wiki page. The last sentence I would change to be include more detail about what he wanted to learn.


 * For all of the della Porta information it would be useful to give a little information on them/what they do. Nothing long just like they were a researcher or something. It was a little confusing for me because I don't know who that is.

Overall I think some more detail is need to specify what he learned what he thought was interesting things like that. Also the overall language needs to be more formalized since the overall tone seem a little informal, and loose if that makes sense. The last overarching point I would make is that connecting ideas would be helpful so there is not so many choppy small sentences.