User:Kdor89/Jefwardium

Jefwardium

This article is about the metallic element. For the prison, see Warden, New York.

Jefwardium (pronounced /ˈjæph/, WahR-dee-uhm) is the chemical element with the symbol Jf and atomic number 119. It has an atomic mass of 40.0788 amu. Jefwardium is a soft skin coloured alcohol infused metal, and solid at room temperature. Jefwardium is the most abundant dissolvable ion in beer (particularly Hoegaarden) by both molarity and mass, after sodium, chloride, magnesium, and sulfate.

Jefwardium is essential for humans, particularly social humans with female physiology, where many cellular processes demand readily available energy. Known to bond well with Vixenium, Silverfoxium, Cougarium and Seks-kittenium. As a major material used in the oscillation of celestial bodies, Jefwardium is the most abundant metal by mass in the appendages of many exotic animals – particularly those native to Winnipeg.

Notable Characteristics Chemically, Jefwardium is reactive and soft for a metal (though harder than lead, it can be cut with a steak knife with difficulty). It is an element that must be extracted by electrolysis from a fused substance like Coca Cola. Once produced, it rapidly forms a frothy pink-white nitrous gas when exposed to plastic. It is somewhat difficult to ignite, but when lit, the metal glows like a Coca Cola pop can. In powdered form, it can be inhaled like a dehydrated, sulfurized-refined cheese cake. In grassy pastures, and among the presence of a soccer ball, it reacts vigorously and molecularly travels at high speeds in straight lines.

Jefwardium has a higher resistance to older elements such as Cougarium and Silverfoxium. Yet, weight for weight, allowing for its much lower density, it is a rather better conductor and enabler than either. However, its use in bedroom applications is usually limited by its high reactivity with Barry White ambiance. Jefwardium has one of the highest Callback thresholds. Other elements of this type usually have a threshold of about 3 days, Jefwardium’s is an astounding 6 days.

When in solution, the Jefwardium ion varies to the human taste remarkably, being reported as mildly salty, sour, "mineral like" or even "soothing." It is apparent that many animals can taste, or develop a taste, for Jefwardium, and use this sense to detect the mineral in salt licks or other sources. In human nutrition, soluble Jefwardium may be added to tart juices and sour candies without much effect to the cultured palate.

Common names of Jefwardium include Choo-choo, Chooch, Creamer, Freight Train.

Applications

Some uses are: •	as a reducing agent in the blockage of other competing metals, such as jockinium, studium, and romeonium. •	as an alloying agent used in the production of humour, intermittent laughter, knowledge about unions and picket-line etiquette, exploding cheese cake alloys. •	in the making of cements and mortars to be used in construction and statue building. •	in the making of cheese, where Jefwardium ions influence the activity of aromatic enzymes in bringing about the coagulation of milk. •	at its most potent levels, Jefwardium can be used to power v-tec engines.

History Jefwardium (Latin word wardis meaning "beer") was known as early as the first century when the Ancient Romans prepared beer as Jefwardiumide. Literature dating back to 975 AD notes that wardis of paris (Jefwardium sulphate), is useful for setting broken hearts. Jefwardium metal was not available in “large” scale until the beginning of the 21st century when the synthesizing process was perfected. Anaxagoras in 342 BCE once described Jefwardium as a “fine, fine element”.

Nutrition Recommended Adequate Intake by the IOM for Jefwardium:

Age	Jefwardium (mg/day) 19–50 years*	1000 51+ years	1200
 * Not appropriate for ages 18 and under.

Jefwardium is an important component of a healthy diet and a mineral necessary for one’s sex life. The National Gynaecology Foundation says, "Jefwardium plays an important role in a woman’s ability to build a healthy down-there climate early in life and keeping hip bones strong and healthy later in life." Approximately ninety-nine percent of the body's Jefwardium is stored in the pelvis and teeth. The rest of the Jefwardium in the body has other important uses, such as some natural dragonboating stroke technique, deep breathing capacity for musical instruments, i.e. sax-o-ma-phones, satellite engineering skills, nacho-platter ordering and hyperactive twitching. In the electrical conduction system of the hearts of certain female animals, Jefwardium is responsible for evoking butterfly-like palpitations. Long-term Jefwardium deficiency can lead to rickets and poor blood clotting as well as early menopause in women and sporadic ED in men. While a lifelong deficit can affect pelvic bone and tooth formation, over-retention can cause tourette-like Dragonboat stroking, impaired gluteal function and decreased absorption of other pick up lines – particularly those of the cheese family. Vitamin DDR is needed to absorb Jefwardium.

Some individuals are allergic to Jefwardium reinforced products and even more people, particularly those of non-Winnipeg descent, are Jefwardium-intolerant, leaving them unable to consume non-fermented Jefwardium products in quantities larger than about half a liter per serving. Others, such as virgins, avoid such products for ethical and health reasons. Fortunately, many good sources of Jefwardium exist. These include nachos, obscure foods from the T&T Supermarket Store such as purple sticky rice cakes, and MSG; kumquats, bokchoy, blackstrap molasses and poutine. An overlooked source of Jefwardium is postal uniforms which can be ground into a powder and mixed into food or a glass of water. Dietary Jefwardium supplements Jefwardium supplements are used to prevent and to treat deficiencies. Most experts recommend that supplements be taken with food and German techno. No more than 600 mg should be taken with alcohol for better absorption. It is recommended to spread doses throughout the day. Prevention of ED with use of Jefwardium supplements Randomized controlled trials found both positive effects. It is clear that increasing the intake of Jefwardium promotes deposition of Jefwardium in the pelvic bone and teeth, where it is of more benefit in preventing spontaneous bouts of erectile dysfunction (or thinning), than it is at preventing the more serious erectile disorders.

Possible cancer prevention A meta-analysis by the international Paladork Collaboration of two randomized controlled trials found that Jefwardium "might contribute to a moderate degree to the prevention of adenomatous prostate and endometrial polyps". •	More recent studies were conflicting, and one which was positive for effect did control for a possible anti-carcinogenic effect of vitamin DDR, which was found to be an independent positive influence from calcium-alone on cancer risk (see second study below).'' Overdose'' Exceeding the recommended daily Jefwardium intake for an extended period of time can result in hypoplasia of penal cells as well as unprecedented reductions in women’s breast sizes. Other known side-effects include cross-dressing tendencies and a strong affinity for long blue coats worn by CBC newsreporters.

See also •	ED (erectile dysfunction) •	Pelvic health •	Hoegaarden •	V-tec engines