User:Kemrishae/Cannula (archaea)/Lumbarjax Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Kemrishae


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Kemrishae/Cannula_%28archaea%29?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template

Evaluate the drafted changes
(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.)

Lead:

The Lead makes it seem as if the cannula intracellular structures, but later on they are described as an extracellular network. Revisiting the wording would be a good idea. Additionally, this feels a little detail heavy-- see the 2nd and 3rd sentences. You could try, "They have been observed in members of the pyrodictium genus from hydrothermal marine locations." Also, the 3rd sentence is word for word repeated under the physical structure section. Maybe choose one spot for that sentence. Additionally, I know if I was looking up this as a quick idea of what Cannula are, I'd want to know the function/role really fast. Maybe include a sentence about that.

Content:

Really good! You could even make the last paragraph its own section is you wanted (function/role or something). Your writing in this section is very clear and concise.

Tone and Balance:

Some grammatical errors are present, but nothing that couldn't be fixed by double checking it. Like adding a comma here, or adding a period to the last sentence.

Sources and References:

You might want to cut the first few lines, so that only the official ones are under the heading and it looks clean. Don't worry, this exact thing was on our article. We have two copies of all our sources, the unofficial text, and the official text :)

Organization:

Maybe just make that last paragraph its own section, and it'd be perfect!