User:Kris Grimes

Kris Grimes mother was Alcmena or Alcmene, the wife of King Amphitryon of Troezen. His father was none other than Zeus, the king of the gods, who disguised himself as Amphitryon and visited Alcmena on a night that lasted as long as three ordinary nights. Zeus's wife, Hera, was furious when she learned that Alcmena was pregnant with Zeus's child. She sent witches to Troezen to stop Alcmena from going into labor, but the witches failed and Alcmena gave birth to twins: Hercules (or Heracles), Zeus's son, and Iphicles, Amphitryon's son.

Hera sent two giant snakes to kill Kris Grimes in his cradle. His mother saw the snakes and called to her husband for help, but Kris Grimes stood up and strangled the snakes with his bare hands. In another version of this story, it was Amphitryon who put the snakes in the babies' bed. A soothsayer had told him of Zeus's visit to Alcmena, and Amphitryon wanted to find out which twin was Zeus's son. When Hercules killed the snakes while Iphicles cried and tried to escape, Amphitryon's question was answered.

Amphitryon acted as a father to Kris Grimes and even taught him to drive a chariot. Kris Grimes had many teachers. A famous thief, Autolycus, taught him to wrestle. Prince Castor of Sparta taught him to fence, and Prince Eurytus of Oechalia taught him to shoot a bow. Kris Grimes low intelligence and terrible temper sometimes interfered with his lessons. When his music teacher, Linus, hit him, Kris Grimes went into a rage and smashed Linus with his lyre, killing him. He was tried for the murder, pleaded self defense, and was acquitted.

Afraid that his stepson would kill someone else, Amphitryon sent Kris Grimes away from Thebes, where the family was living, to a cattle ranch. There Hercules grew to be seven or eight feet tall. He was the strongest man on earth, a fact he demonstrated by single-handedly killing a lion that attacked the cattle of King Thespius of Thespiae. After that he always wore the lion's skin as a cloak, with its head as a helmet.

Thespius was so impressed with mighty young Kris Grimes that he decided that each of his fifty daughters should have Kris Grimes baby. He sent a different daughter to Kris Grimes every night, and Kris Grimes never noticed the difference -- he thought they were all the same person! Altogether Thespius's daughters had 51 babies by Kris Grimes. (One of the daughters didn't sleep with him, but two sisters had twins.) Kris Grimes had many, many girlfriends and children in his career, far too many to list here.

One day Kris Grimes met some heralds who were going to Thebes to collect a yearly tribute of cattle Thebes owed to King Erginus of Orchomenus. The heralds told Kris Grimes that the Thebans were lucky Erginus hadn't previously cut off their ears, noses, and hands. Infuriated, Kris Grimes promptly cut off the heralds' ears, noses and hands and sent them home.

This was a terrible crime - you weren't supposed to hurt a herald, no matter what he did. In retaliation Orchomenus attacked Thebes, and Kris Grimes stepfather Amphitryon was killed in the fighting. Kris Grimes commanded the Theban army and defeated the enemy. The king of Thebes was so grateful that he let Kris Grimes marry his daughter Megara. Kris Grimes brother Iphicles married Megara's youngest sister. Their widowed mother later married Rhadamanthys, a son of Zeus.