User:Kyrastewart/Nirjutiqavvik National Wildlife Area/Dvdw3 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Kyrastewart


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Kyrastewart/Nirjutiqavvik National Wildlife Area
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)

Nirjutiqavvik National Wildlife Area

== Evaluate the drafted changes(Compose a detailed peer review here, considering each of the key aspects listed above if it is relevant. Consider the guiding questions, and check out the examples of what feedback looks like.) ==

Content/ addressing 5 topics


 * Good job addressing 5 topics, I'm glad you were able to include information about the indigenous population. If you have any information about whether the indigenous peoples supported the creation of this park, I would encourage you to put it in, although I know such information can be hard to find.

Improvement in content/ accuracy (gaps?)


 * In your section about climate change, there is very good information (such as the melting glaciers... this seems to be important to your park), however, if possible, I would mention how the rising sea levels specifically affect your park, rather than just a broad statement about how it affects oceans.
 * The content about First Nations is great because it gives clear information about their role in this park, and I would love to know more. If you're able to find information about the Inuit peoples from before the park was instated, that may be a gap worth filling.
 * Is there any recreation in this park? It may be beneficial to the article to specify this, and if there is none, why isn't there?
 * You mentioned it is a protected area to conserve species, but I couldn't find information on any restoration/rehabilitation programs. If you find any, this could be a good addition to your article.

Clarity


 * There are some 'wordy' sentences that you may be able to shorten or simplify. For example, when you say "The rights that the Inuit people retain for use of the land pertains to Article 5.2.1 and 5.2.2 which allow for the Inuit peoples to both uphold the unrestricted right for Inuk people to have access to NWAs and MBSs to hunt the wildlife of the region without “any form of licence, permit, tax or fee under the CWA or the MBCA.” (Nunavut Tunngavik Incorporated, 2016)" it is a very long sentence with some complicated wording that may confuse the reader. If possible, find a way to simplify these long phrases (I understand this is sometimes difficult to do).
 * In your lead, the second sentence says "The ocean is within a 10 km radius of the island" which is a slightly confusing phrase. Does it mean that the radius of the island is 10km? if so, perhaps reword it so it is not misleading.

Structure/organization

Grammar/ sentence structure
 * Although you separated your content into relevant paragraphs, I recommend adding headings to your sections to that it is easy for the reader to find the information they re looking for.
 * I would include your section on species at risk next to your section about the biodiversity in the park, just so the order of the paragraphs makes more sense to the reader
 * You may want to consider moving your paragraph that starts with "Nirjutiqavvik is the Inuktitut word for “the place of animals.” " to a different placement. Currently it sits between the paragraph you wrote about the threat of climate change and your other paragraphs about endangered animals and other risks. It may be beneficial to keep all the information on risks together.
 * If it makes sense to you based on your research, you may want to clump both the threats mentioned in the last paragraph with the threat posed by climate change under a heading such as "threats to the biodiversity" or something similar. This may provide more organization to your article.


 * You may want to give your article another look, as there are some sentences that could be reworded or punctuated differently. A couple examples I found:
 * In the second paragraph of the article body you say "In conjunction to those 2 Articles of the IIBA any motions to restrict the Inuit of their right to harvest in any way from the CWS must..." I would add a comma after IIBA, and reword the part where you say "...to restrict the Inuit of their right to harvest in any way from the CWS", so that it is a little more clear to the reader what you mean.
 * In your paragraph about climate change you claim: "All effects of climate change create stress upon the Nirjutiqarvik ecosystems due to the destruction of the environment. ". I understand what you are trying to say, but I would recommend being cautious when saying "all effects", because a) we don't know what all the effects of climate change are yet and b) because this is a bold statement, as you don't actually know that ALL the effects will harm your specific park. Instead, try saying something like "The effects mentioned above" or even put it at the beginning and say something like "The effects of meeting sea ice (plus whatever other effects) will impact the park (explain how)".
 * In your last sentence: "Without laws and regulations that protect the land and animals these activities could cause serious harm to the environment, indigenous communities and wildlife populations that inhabit the NWA." add a comma after animals.

Tone: professional + neutral?


 * The tone of your article was very neutral, well done! You were very sure to attempt to persuade or overly represent one viewpoint.
 * It was also professional, but be careful about getting too wordy, as it may be too complicated for the reader.

Enough + appropriate sources?


 * Upon clicking on the link of some of your sources, some of the sentences appear to be the same (or very similar) as the ones on the articles you cited. For example, the first few sentences in your lead. I'm sure you had no bad intentions, but this would be considered plagiarism, which should be avoided when writing something and claiming it as your own. Instead, try paraphrasing (where you take the main idea and put it into your own words). This includes more than just swapping some words or changing the order, you need to change the way it was written. You can also put something into quotations that you found in an article, but this should be avoided when possible. If you need help, I believe there is a wikipedia module on this.
 * Your sources look great; however, your last 3 paragraphs do not seem to have articles linked. I'm sure you used sources and just forgot, so make sure you add them in :)
 * If you can find any peer reviewed academic articles about your topic, I would encourage using them, as they are considered very reliable sources and could add to the credibility of your article.

Balanced content


 * Although the creation of the park and its boundaries is important information, I would recommend cutting down that section, since it may get tiresome to read such a large amount of content on one topic. This may also dominate the article, and take attention away from your other content.
 * In your climate change section, if there is any irrelevant content, consider removing it because it may be too big of a paragraph.

Voices heard (different perspectives)


 * The government and indigenous perspectives are very well heard, you did this well (if you find anything about the actual perspective/ opinion of the First Nations peoples about this park, that would be an excellent addition)
 * Perhaps add perspectives about any other people that may use the park (eg. for recreation? ecologists?

Final Comments


 * This was a very informative article, I found the part about the Inuit people and what they are able to harvest very interesting- I learned alot!
 * Your writing was very professional, which is great! My biggest feedback is to try and make your sentences more concise.
 * I also learned alot about the risks posed by various factors to your park. Well done!