User:LGBR

LGBR is the abbreviated form of LaserGuidedBunnyRabbit, the online name of Jas Scalia.

Jas
Jas was the commanding General of the Persian Empire from 350 BCE - 1901 AD. He is immortal. He once ate seven elephants on a bet and then killed an entire tribe of Indonesians.

Early Persian Empire
After slapping Xerxes like a little girl, he gathered an army so large that the Earth tilted on its axis from it. With this, he conquered 96% of the ocean floor and declared himself Emperor of Mars.

The First Millenium
He was decreed a deity by every religion of the time, including Christians who see him as the only other God when the regular one isn't around. He ruled from his office, a van down by a river. He kept pretty quiet until the next thousand years.

The Second Millenium
He sold his van for a 1967 Cadillac and painted it black with flames in 1038 AD. This was considered a monumental event in both time and space and is taught today by classrooms worldwide. In 1226 AD, he sold France to Donald Trump for a Mickey Mantle autographed baseball. He has it framed in his office in Berlin next to a picture of him and Jesus drunk in Jerusalem. A few hundred years later, Muslims declared him divine and offered him Medina as tribute. He respectfully declined, citing that he owned it already.

1901
He finally gave up his seat as commanding general of Persia only a few decades before the collapse of the empire. Historians today have confirmed that his presence alone is the only thing that kept them together. After he stepped down, he bought a trans-dimentional spaceship and set out for a new planet to conquer. All wars, conflicts, battles, and disputes after 1901 are directly related to his leaving.

Currently
He is currently living with one billion hot chicks in a cloud in space, playing guitar and drinking with Rick James. They play poker with Elvis, JFK, RFK, and Ed Bradley on Tuesdays. For Jesus' 2000th birthday, he gave him Mexico as a joke. They remain close today.