User:Lakeley/Adina Pintilie/McLaren481 Peer Review

General info
Lakeley
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Lakeley/Adina_Pintilie?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists):Adina Pintilie

Evaluate the drafted changes
Lead: I can see the vision you have for the lead. I like the idea of giving a quick overview of her kind of work. Your opening sentence, however, is a little too biased, it is communicating the subjective opinion that she is successful and that she should be recognized in a different way. Perhaps you could instead open by stating what she is known for. The content of the third sentence is interesting, it might be made clearer and easier to follow by adding comas or modifying the structure. The overall length of the section is good, I would just maybe include one punchy sentence that sums up the basic information: her name, origin, and work she is most known for.

Content: The content you've included is thorough in its analysis of her work, but there is perhaps an imbalance of career versus biographical information; is there any information to be found about her life and upbringing, her schooling?

Tone and balance: The tone of the article shows a little too much bias; perhaps removing adjectives could help reduce the impression that you are trying to persuade the reader of her talent. For example, rather than "She is still very active in her career, hoping to create more incredible work", you could say "She remains an active filmmaker, with more projects to come." That being said, you did not provide a source at the end of this sentence, so make sure that there is evidence to support the idea of upcoming work! Also, the descriptions of her work should be identified more clearly so that it doesn't seem like your interpretation, for example, "It is described to be a large therapy session in which you serve as the therapist for three separate patients who are dealing with challenges connected to intimacy and human connection (Ehrlich, 2018)." Here, you should identify the author who described it this way explicitly so that their authority can be taken into consideration; this will help make it seem less like a persuasive article.

References and Sources: You cite your sources consistently throughout the text. Try using the Wikipedia footnote system so that the in-text citations lead directly to the reference section. As for the reference list, be sure that your URLs are functional and permanent, this one - Goodfellow, M. (2018, January 30). Log in - proquest. Doc & Film boards Adina Pintilie’s Berlin Copetition title “Touch Me Not” (exclusive). https://www.proquest.com/Account/Login - for instance, is not an accessible one, and the reference does not indicate what the source actually is.

Organization: The organization of your thoughts can be hard to follow due to some syntax peculiarities. Notably, a lot of your sentences are not full sentences. For example, a sentence like "Co-founder of Manekino Film as well as a director and film writer (Goodfellow, 2018)." is lacking a subject and verb to make it a complete thought. You could say "Pintilie is the co-founder of Manekino Film as well as a director and film writer" instead. Another way to smooth things out would be to connect certain sentences. For example, connect these two sentences: "Using her love for art in her films to express subjects that can illustrate diverse opinions in society. She works to illustrate the issue of national representation during the last two decades (Goodfellow, 2018)." It would become "Using her love for art in her films to express subjects that can illustrate diverse opinions in society, she works to illustrate the issue of national representation during the last two decades (Goodfellow, 2018)." Avoid starting sentences with gerunds (verbs ending in ing [ex. running] because this does not function as a full sentence. For example, "Working to convey a strong message to society about these at times sensitive topics that are often ignored and misrepresented" should be "She works to convey a strong message to society about these at times sensitive topics that are often ignored and misrepresented." instead.

The order of your ideas is well organized.

Overall impression: Your article definitely adds more content and more detail to the original article. I think it would benefit from more information about the author to balance with the information about her work. There is great detail about the meaning behind her work, I think this could only be improved by removing some of the bias.