User:Lizard the Wizard/sandbox


 * I've rephrased that sentence, but I managed to get a glimpse on kindle of the source and noticed we have a little issue with close paraphrasing here. This would certainly be an issue at FAC:
 * Article (before copy edit): "He set a state scoring record of 229 points, even though he often played only in the first half of games."
 * Source: "and setting a state scoring record of 229 points, even though he often played only the first half of games."
 * It might be worth having a check through the sources as well to see if there are any similar issues. Spot-checks are required for new nominators at FAC, so if you could point me towards other sources, or provide scans or something similar, we could get that out of the way before nominating.


 * "Cannon was heavily recruited out of high school": I'm not too sure of the best way to rephrase this, but it will be meaningless to many non-sports fans and almost all non-US readers. Would "courted by college teams" or something similar have the same meaning?
 * "completed two of four passes for 31 yards": I think this language is standard in a few football articles, including a couple of FACs, but I think it is sub-optimal for FAC (where we need "professional prose", which is often the biggest hurdle for sports articles). Is there a simpler way to phrase it? The obvious one would be to miss out "of four" but I'm not sure what effect this would have on the sentence.
 * "LSU entered the season with talent and depth on both sides of the ball.": A bit jargony. I'd prefer a rephrase of this. Something like "LSU began the season with talent and depth in offense and defense"?
 * "The following week the Tigers were ranked first in the AP Poll. The team remained there as it finished the regular season undefeated and was named national champion by the AP and UPI.": Hmm. I had to follow the link to understand this, and the second sentence is a little unclear. How about "After their victory, the Tigers were ranked first in the AP's weekly poll to rank football teams. It remained top of subsequent polls, finishing the regular season undefeated and was named national champion by the AP and UPI." Does that work?
 * "He had 598 rushing yards and scored six touchdowns in total.[13] However, his performance on Halloween night and his defensive play throughout the season was enough to convince voters.": I'm not quite sure what we are trying to say here. Does this mean that his stats were not really impressive, but his defensive play was what persuaded the judges? It also made me think that we perhaps need a sentence earlier on to say what the Heisman Trophy was and who judged it. It is usually best practice at FAC to provide the reader enough information so that they can understand without having to follow links.
 * "Contract dispute": I feel like we need a bit more here. Is there no commentary on this other than the judge? Did deGravelles say anything about it in his biography? Did Canon himself talk about it? Were the Rams trying to trick him? Did Canon know he was breaking the contract? I think this needs developing a little.
 * "The AFL's victory against the established NFL helped bring legitimacy to the fledgling league": Again, a little more would be good. Could we say earlier that the AFL was newly formed? Did they deliberately try to sign Cannon in an attempt to bring this legitimacy, or was that just a side effect?
 * "Cannon fully bought-in to the Raiders organization and game-plan by 1967": I'm not entirely sure what we are trying to say here. He was reluctant before but now decided to believe in it?
 * "including one of 48 yards in the second quarter of the infamous Heidi Game": I'm aware of this game, but I'm not sure we should be calling it infamous, as that suggests a POV. Unfamiliar readers might wonder what this was, but I think the link is sufficient in this case.
 * "Cannon was an honorary pallbearer at the funeral of former Teamsters Union business agent Edward Grady Partin, whose testimony in 1964 had sent Jimmy Hoffa to prison for jury tampering.": Did Cannon have some connection with him?