User:Lokio2021/Data Power/Grilledtandoorismoke Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Lokio2021


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Lokio2021/Data Power


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)

Evaluate the drafted changes
Data Power – Lead


 * “Data power, unequal in nature, is strong and concentrated with the ability to consolidate to deepen existing data power and is defined as the potential to influence and transform data and social activities”
 * This first sentence reads a bit awkwardly if someone is looking to understand what data power is for the first time. You might be able to have a stronger lead by beginning with the definition.


 * "With varying concentrations of data power, data driven technologies employed by various actors, mediate consumer experience and access to extract profit and monitor and control consumer behaviour"
 * For clarity, it might be better to take the comma after various actors out. I would also change the latter part of this sentence to: "access to extract profit, monitor, and control consumer behaviour." The three ands in the second half of this sentence and lack of Oxford comma makes it read just a bit strangely.
 * "Data activists seek to resist, challenge and oppose data power by enacting counter strategies that assert data rights and limit and prevent data harm"
 * An Oxford comma right after data rights here would make the sentence structure clearer by how the sentence itself is grouped. "assert data rights, and limit and prevent data harm."
 * An example of such activism includes the Data Power Conferences in 2015, 2017, and 2019 where experts suggested, if new perspectives for critical data studies were to be developed, data power needs to be at the forefront in order to understand its influence and permeation in society
 * That additional comma after where experts suggested makes the sentence structure strange. I’d suggest taking it out to make it read better!

Data Power – What is Data Power


 * The beginning half of this section feels much more fitting for the Lead. Since both this section and the Lead mention how data power is unequal in nature, this section makes it much clearer how that is as opposed to the Lead. It may be worth rearranging these sections in tandem. You might think about making the lead a bit more short and sweet, then continue the expansion in this section.

Current Conversations about Data Power


 * "The case for open data include improving internal operations and external relations of public bodies, empowering citizens and addressing asymmetries in data power between the state and its subject, economic stimulation, and an open and accountable government."
 * The case for open data includes. Your subject here is the singular case instead of the plural open data!
 * "Fundamental ambivalences of data power, the appeal as digital data is producing knowledge about society and social processes leading to a better life, versus the increase in surveillance, inequalities and racism reproduced through digital data, call into question critical data studies perspectives and require new approaches to combat power relations within data practices."
 * This reads strangely upon first glance since you start the sentence with a list and without a proposition. I would recommend starting with Factors such as… and continuing with the sentence as it is.

Challenging Data Power


 * "This expression of data power can influence well being, create alienating experiences of data as predatory and unequal and unfairly regulate access."
 * Well-being instead of well being. Well-being is the compound word, while well being is an adjective and verb/noun that don’t make the noun to mean healthy without the hyphen.
 * "Data activism is the practical application of data ethics and justice, whereby this expression of countering data politics acknowledges the value and utility of data but aims to resist, challenge and oppose data power, seeking to enact counter strategies that assert data rights and limit and prevent harm"
 * An Oxford comma after data rights in the latter part of this sentence would help make grouping clearer.
 * "The Data Power Conferences, held in 2015, 2017 and 2019 discussed data power, in relation to governmental deployment, agency and autonomy, and its in/securities, and developed a main thesis that stated if new perspectives for critical data studies were to be developed, the starting point would be the ambivalences of data power to understand its permeation in society and mechanisms effective in challenging its influence."
 * This is a bit of a run-on sentence. An Oxford comma after 2017, and 2019 would help with clarity.
 * I would recommend breaking this up into two sentences by ending the first after you mention the in/securities of data power. Then you could start the next sentence with, It [the data power conferences] developed a main thesis…

General Comments


 * I really loved reading your article! Your writing style adapted to Wikipedia’s practices read well.
 * The overall content is concise and easy to read aside from a few minor grammatical nitpicks for clarity, mostly with regards to the Oxford comma. It’s well organized and has a clear structure.
 * Lastly, your reference to Rob Kitchin is actually the 1st edition (2014) of The Data Revolution instead of the 2nd 2022 edition. The ISBN for the 2nd edition is this: 978-1-5297-3375-4