User:Lordnecronus/The List

72 THINGS THAT MARK YOU OUT AS A DOUCHE (subjective, and not totally serious)
 * 1) If you say that you're "with it".
 * 2) If you think that Tool are a mallcore band.
 * 3) If you think Uwe Boll is a good film-maker.
 * 4) If you are Uwe Boll.
 * 5) If you enjoyed 3 Guys 1 Hammer.
 * 6) If you only listen to one genre of music and refuse to listen to any other genre on the grounds that you think all other genres are crap.
 * 7) If you make anti-Welsh "sheep-shagging" jokes.
 * 8) If you think metalheads are white supremacists just because metal is made up predominantly of white people.
 * 9) If you act elitist towards people.
 * 10) If you hate everyone who doesn't like everything you like.
 * 11) If you are a fascist. This one isn't even subjective. That said, I'm also bugged by the frequent and incorrect usage of "fascist" to mean "slightly more government control" - and, remember, communism =/= fascism.
 * 12) If you believe that immigrants are the source of all today's problems.
 * 13) If you think Ann Coulter is in any way attractive.
 * 14) If you don't think that Rush Limbaugh is an utter hypocrite on the drug problem front.
 * 15) If you accuse bands of being emo just because their lyrics are personal and self-confessional.
 * 16) If you think people should be decapitated for naming a teddy bear "Mohammad".
 * 17) If you believe that misogyny is worse than misandry. They're equally as bad.
 * 18) If you believe that any race is superior to another.
 * 19) If you believe that any gender is superior to another.
 * 20) If you believe that any sexual preference is superior to another.
 * 21) If you believe that any religion is superior to another.
 * 22) If you think that Michael Moore was justified in tormenting Charlton Heston in Bowling for Columbine. (note: I agree with Michael Moore in that the US is overly obsessed with guns, but tormenting a weak old man like that was going too far - and come on, it's Charlton fucking Heston.)
 * 23) If you think that everyone should be forced into being vegan/vegetarian.
 * 24) If you are religious and pick on atheists.
 * 25) If you are atheist and pick on the religious.
 * 26) If you think death metal is just noise.
 * 27) If you think death metal is only about Satanism and gore.
 * 28) If you don't believe Satanism, Atheism, Agnosticism and Rastafarianism to be legitimate religions.
 * 29) If you believe that girls who have become pregnant as a result of being raped should, without a choice, keep the baby.
 * 30) If you believe that germs don't exist, regardless of actual scientific proof.
 * 31) If you think breastfeeding is disgusting and un-natural.
 * 32) If you think you're a gangster. Or "gangsta", if you want to sound even more moronic. (I have nothing against real hip-hop culture, incidentally, but the people that strive to be "gangsta" annoy me.)
 * 33) If you believe that money automatically makes you a nice person.
 * 34) If you believe that money automatically makes you a nasty person.
 * 35) If you think that salad is the greatest meal of all time simply because it's healthy. If you think that salad's the greatest meal ever because you like the taste, then that's completely fine.
 * 36) If you refer to everything you don't like as "gay", regardless of how gay the thing in question actually is.
 * 37) If you think that starting fights with random people makes you a badass.
 * 38) If you think that happy-slapping is justified in any way, shape or form.
 * 39) If you tuck your trousers (or "pants" for the Americans) into your socks as a fashion statement.
 * 40) If you are a chav. An obnoxious one, anyway; I imagine there are plenty of nice ones. Well, I hope there are.
 * 41) If you think that reading books makes you a loser who has no social life.
 * 42) If you think cooking cats in microwaves (for real) is the most hilarious thing ever.
 * 43) If you say the following things without irony: "pimped-up", "pimped-out", "pimp my ride", basically anything to do with the word "pimp" that involves positive use.
 * 44) If you think Ibiza is the greatest country ever.
 * 45) Hell, if you think Ibiza is even a country.
 * 46) If you still say "bro", "crib" or "dissin'". Without irony.
 * 47) If you wear shorts and are above the age of 27 (except in appropriate situations, like if it's hot, though in this case caution is advised, especially if you've got hairy legs).
 * 48) If you wear bling. Except ironically. Actually, no, you're still a douche if you wear it ironically.
 * 49) If you claim a band has sold out just because they've got more than ten fans / sold more than 100 copies of an album.
 * 50) If you claim a band has sold out just because they've got more than ten fans / sold more than 100 copies of an album, but then you claim Slayer to be an awesome band that has never sold out.
 * 51) If you treat your romantic partner like shit then blame it on him/her.
 * 52) If you play the race / gender card.
 * 53) If you decide to act exactly like Ali G because you think he's cool, without realising that he's actually a pisstake of your entire subculture.
 * 54) If you slit your wrists and write poetry and complain that your life is shit and depressive despite the fact that your existence is not only perfectly happy, but perfectly uneventful.
 * 55) If you call people who genuinely suffer from depression "emo".
 * 56) If you claim you fuck a lot. Even if it's true. Especially if it's true.
 * 57) If you type in leetspeak. No I'm not going to give an example.
 * 58) If you think swearing makes you look mature, you fucking cunt.
 * 59) If you call everyone a noob. Or "n00b", if you want to be really douchey.
 * 60) If you make up stupid words like "douchey".
 * 61) If you mention that you make up stupid words in an attempt to be all "meta".
 * 62) If you constantly try and stir shit up with people you don't like.
 * 63) If you pick on people for being different.
 * 64) If you think South Park pushes a conservative agenda and ignore people when they tell you otherwise. (It does push a right-wing libertarian viewpoint, which annoys me not because of the viewpoint so much as the fact that they're using a cartoon to push it.)
 * 65) If you make fun of people for not drinking enough and call them pussies because they don't drink so much that they end up waking up the next morning married to some really ugly and fat slag.
 * 66) If you take your time writing lists like this!
 * 67) If you attempt to justify hypocrisy by acknowledging that you're being hypocritical.
 * 68) If you have to take all your opinions from movies and TV shows.
 * 69) If you think that lynch mobs are a great way to get the community working together. It is, technically, but that's not the point.
 * 70) If you think gay marriage should be banned completely.
 * 71) If you think that Westboro Baptist Church are true Christians.
 * 72) If all 71 previous reasons apply to you.
 * 73) If you don't think that Reason 72 is a legitimate reason.
 * 74) If you are stupid enough to complain that there are 74 reasons rather than the proposed 72.