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Archie Banks
Archie Banks (also known as 'thecrystalmazeboy' and 'Archie Bants'), born 29th March 1964, is a British artist, musician, scientist and professional Cameron-lover/Spencerite Tory wanker.

Early life
Raised in Nottingham, Archie Banks first attended 'Nottingham Secondary School' at the age of 12. Archie quotes his 'pokemon phase', whereby he 'collected all da pokemans'. He was also a big fan of the Jackson 5. At 16, Archie Banks attended 'Nottingham Sixth Form'. It was there that he met, his first crush, Ruth. Archie quotes 'crying over her every night'. Archie Banks first tried to impress Ruth by showing her his Pokemon collection and taking her on a date to the nearby park, where he poured her glasses apple juice as his mum wouldn't let him have cider. When this failed to impress her, Archie Banks first picked up a guitar and attempted to play music. He wrote two songs, each 1 minute long, called 'I'm Sorry I Stole Your Rubber', 'All I Want To Do Is Watch The Crystal Maze With You'. At the age of 19, Archie attended Central St Martins, where he studied Art&Design. He passed with a distinction.

Career
Archie Banks is famed for his art series, 'thoughts', in which he paints his everyday thoughts using his preferred medium, MS Paint. Currently framed in the 'Payravi Gallery', in Chatteris, it is Banks' most popular work to date. When reviewed, Ed Miliband stated that he 'particularly likes the one with Nick Clegg's butt <3', although, according to the Daily Star, Miliband denies this comment and states that he was 'just saying that for the milibants'. Following this, Ed Miliband lost the general election. In 1990, Banks gave up a career in art to pursue music. Though, it should be noted that he claims that he still collects and creates art, as he find it a good outlet for stress. Nowadays, he mainly creates oil paintings of himself riding a horse topless and crying as it captures what he 'truly feels inside'. Banks is currently paying off debt as he spent £6,000,000,000,000,000 on a guitar and a private jet, so that he could fly around the world and try to achieve success for his band, 'Nige Nige Nige', a collective mix of his two favourite things, 80s band, 'Wet Wet Wet' and leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP), Nigel Farage. He blames the debt on Gordon Brown. In 1995, Archie Banks decided that his band would never find success, and so he gave up to pursue a career in science. In 1995, the band hired a new frontman and re-named themselves 'Pulp'. The frontman was specifically chosen to look exactly like Banks, so as not to 'upset the fans'. In 1996, the band made the hit single, 'Common People'. Banks is also a professional 'Tory wanker'. He goes into the office twice a week. His office is reportedly covered in photos of David Cameron's cheekbones. His career choice primarily includes: phoning David Cameron incessantly in the hope that he will one day pick up, 'hanging out' with Mark Spencer, smothering himself all over Theresa May and cat-calling at Michael Gove. He is an unpaid volunteer for this role. He reportedly made love to Nicky Morgan at a Christmas Office Party. He thinks of himself as 'the godlike love-child of Margaret Thatcher and John Major'.

Personal Life
Archie currently resides in South Thanet with his ten children: Robert, Robert 0.2, Robert III, Archie jr, Ruth, Nigel, Sally, Dave, Jeff and man who is crying. He eagerly continues his career in science. He is an active campaigner against the use of Google, claiming that it is 'the source of all evil' and that 'Bing is one million times better'.

Links
You can find Archie Banks' official website here: http://www.thecrystalmazeboy.tumblr.com