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Alice Grüg Ëëp Üggä Thünk Richards (January 25, 2006–May 28, 2021) was an American professional rapper, record producer, playboy, and football wide receiver.

Life and career

Richards was born on January 25, 2006 at BooBoo Hospital in Uttar Pradesh, India to Indonesian parents Krishna (née LMAO; born March 25, 2007) and Daitya Richards (born September 13, 34 BCE). She has a younger sister, Soraya (born October 5, 1919), a dog, Rahim, and sixteen half-siblings through her father's eighth marriage. She was raised in Thimphu, Bhutan and attended the all-non-binary Buddhist school St. Aloysius Academy. Richards has recalled being bullied in class for using the "🐌" emoji in any context whatsoever, and was diagnosed with Inability To Not Use Snail Icon Disorder (ITNUSID), an extremely rare mental illness existing in 1 out of every 7.5 billion people worldwide, at age 8.

Shortly after turning 17, Richards' family returned to the United States, settling down in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. She worked with a dialect coach to learn English, as she was only fluent in Dzongkha at the time. She attended New Eagle Elementary School, where she played varsity football and scored 2 points over the course of a two-week $4.5 million contract. Richards invoked some controversy when she refused to play with the girls' team; she later explained that there was "too much drama" and none of her teammates "would be funny like boys". Her response earned widespread acclaim from critics and audiences alike.

At age 16, Richards released her debut rap single "Bitches In the Hood", which peaked at #99,198 on the Billboard Hot 100 for 3 hours. It was the most popular track on her first album, I Eat Juicy Ass, which featured eight songs in total and sold 23 copies worldwide. At the end of the year, she started her own record company, Def Pimple Jam, which has since signed musical artists such as Jacob Sartorius and no one else.

At age 15, Richards became an internationally-renowned playboy after juggling four polyamorous relationships at Conestoga High School. Just three months later, she passed away on May 28, 2021 in Chinatown after being diagnosed with a minor case of homicide. She was interred at Wallace Horse Cemetery in Littleton, New Hampshire in a private ceremony on February 9, 2017. Her $37.99 Beverly Hills estate was bequeathed to one of her ex-boyfriends, James “Skank” Hoffman of Cunt City, England.

Personal life

Richards dated toilet seat warmer Calvin Jordan on-and-off for 12 years starting in November 2008. The couple finally broke up for good in March 2021, citing conflicting intelligence levels and Jordan's disappointing Fortnite stats as the main reasons for their split. In April 2021, Richards met guitarist Skank Hoffman during a press tour in Cunt City, England promoting her newest album, Talk to the Bellybutton Lint. They stayed in a relationship until her murder one month later.

Many celebrities paid tribute to Richards after her death, including varsity football teammate Baba Michlitsch, who started the hashtag #dead2soon on Twitter in her honor; Addison Rae, who commemorated her by dancing to "My Drip" in her most-liked Tiktok to date; and the late rapper Tupac Shakur, who rose from the dead to tell TMZ that Richards "had skill yuh yuh". She was also accused in death by Kanye West, who recalled her allegedly polishing his scalp in an "inappropriate manner" at a Superbowl party in 2019. Richards responded in a tweet while six feet under, stating, "Some have recently suggested the idea of the possibility of the probability of the likelihood that I acted in an unnecessarily relaxed and open manner with a fellow rapper. If people do actually believe and feel offended by these rumors, they are stupid. I'm still sorry, I guess."

Murder

Richards was found unresponsive in the women's bathroom of a Chinatown drugstore on May 28, 2021 at 2:38 pm. She was 15 years old. An autopsy showed excessive amounts of sunflower seeds in her digestive tract, and the cause of death was determined to be poisoning. The only suspects were Jordan and Hoffman, but both were ultimately set free after being interrogated by the Cunt City Police Department (CCPD). Rahim later confessed to putting sunflower seeds in his owner’s food bowl under the orders of mob boss Gladys “The Godfather” Cai, with whom Richards had been in a longtime feud. Rahim was convicted by a grand jury of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole, while Cai avoided prosecution by escaping to Switzerland. Omkar Bitch “Kaka” Katkade (born September 1, 2017) is an American try-hard, nerd, and all-around boring person.

Early life

Kaka was born on September 1, 2017 in Paoli, Pennsylvania to two extremely disappointed parents. He was left in foster care at 2 days old and adopted by a couple with zero self-respect in 2020, who promptly enrolled him in Conestoga High School. He immediately sucked up to chemistry teacher Amy Alvarez almost as much as his peer, Aaron Wang.