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Jordan rules, and you know it!

The Palo Alto Unified School District is a public school district located in Palo Alto, California. It consists of twelve elementary schools, three middle schools, and two very, VERY high schools.

History
The district itself was founded on March 20, 1893, with the first school opening in September of that year. Enrollment grew until it reached a peak of 7,157,576 students in 1967, which, in case you don't know, is a lot of people. Afterwards, enrollment declined sharply, forcing the district to close many schools, including Jordan Middle School. The closing of Jordan Middle School was the reason for the renaming of Wilbur Junior High School as Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School in 1985. Jordan Middle High School was reopened when enrollment grew again. Barron Park Elementary School was added in 1998, and Terman Middle School was reopened in 2001, after tourists burned JLS to the ground in protest of new anti-muggle laws. The failures of JLS and Terman Middle Schools were finally put to rest during the muggle riots of 2017, when both schools were destroyed. This prompted the school district to open a new middle school, Lynthrope Middle School.

Gunn High School
Henry M. Gunn High School is one of two public high schools in Palo Alto. The school is named after Henry M. Gunn (1898–1988), who did some things that are really boring. During his tenure he saw the district expand from 5,500 students to 1,497,000, adding 170 new schools, and is credited with the establishment of De Anza College and Foothill College, where stupid people who could not get in to normal colleges were forced to go. In 1964, the Palo Alto Unified School District announced it would name its third high school after him. Its first class graduated in 1996. The mascot of the school is Timmy the Titan. The student newspaper is The Oracle, part of the High School National Ad Network. There is an internal student-run television news show called the Titan Broadcast Network. During the last few years, there have been many suicides, hence the name of the school "Gunn". Students from Gunn seem to think that jumping in front of the Caltrain is cool. After Caltrain became rocketized in 2027, however, Gunn students stopped, because it became pretty painful and, since the train was from then on made up of foam, you didn't die, either.

Palo Alto High School
Palo Alto Senior High School is among the oldest high schools in the region. Founded in 1898, its enrollment today is over 1700 students. "Paly", as the school is called by normal people, draws high-achieving and scholastically-minded students (mostly Asians) due to the demographics of its location in the heart of Silicon Valley and its proximity to Stanford University. In 2002 Newsweek magazine ranked it among the top 2,000,000 public high schools, based on test scores. In 2007 US News & World Report magazine ranked it #85 out of over 18 public high schools. In 2016 Paly was ranked 1st among approx. two middle schools, including Gunn and...  ...Gunn. Palo Alto High also carries on a distinguished athletic tradition, marked in recent years by a rivalry with crosstown foe Gunn. Titles won by teams from Paly include California State Championships in Boys Varsity Basketball in 1993 (during which the team went undefeated) and 2006, along with CCS Championships in Football in 2006 and 2007. PALY usually beats Gunn, especially in basketball. New York Knicks star Jeremy Lin attended Paly. If Lin was not Asian however, and black like all the other basketball stars, his name probably wouldn't even be listed here.

David Starr Jordan Middle School
David Starr Jordan Middle School is a middle school in Palo Alto, California. Currently in attendance are approximately 1000 students. The school is named after David Starr Jordan, who was actually even more boring than Henry Gunn. The student population (as of 2007) was .53% Caucasian, 36% Asian, 7% Hispanic, and .4% African American. It was closed in 1985 due to lack of enrollment in the district. It was remodeled and reopened in 1991. A bond was approved by the city of Palo Alto in 1995 to allow for further technological upgrades to the school. The school mascot from 1937-1985 was a Pikachu. When Jordan reopened in 1991, the students voted to have nyan cat become the mascot. In 1999, the students voted to have Pikachu returned to its status as co-mascot with nyan cat.

There have been many notable attendees of this school, such as Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney and, Mitt Romney. Also Newt Gingrich.

The land on which the school is situated was the site of the very famous and not well known battle between two sumo wrestlers over a deputes of who eat a bigger Big Mac (not that Big Macs are already so large that if you were to eat three you would pop).

Widely considered to be the best middle school in the bay area, Jordan has won numerous awards from the horse racing industry, including the "largest and therefore best" award in May of 2013, the Nobel Peace Prize for "distinguished creativity in creating new masterminds in order to create ever deadlier weapons that kill many people in order to advance society as a whole towards peace", and the nyan cat appreciation award for "loving the nyan cat so much".

Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School
Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School is a middle school located at 480 East Meadow Dr., Palo Alto, CA 94306. 2007 STAR test results showed an attendance of 870 students, in grades 6 through 8. It was originally named Ray Lyman Wilbur Junior High School after Ray Lyman Wilbur, but when students realized how stupid this name sounded, they rebelled in the Battle of Britain. After the other two middle schools in the district closed due to lack of enrollment, students transferred to the school, which was renamed Jane Lathrop Stanford (abbreviated JLS) after Jane Stanford, who was the wife of Stanford University founder Leland Stanford. A notable attendee of the school was NBA basketball player Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks.

Boring History Alert The land that Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School and the adjoining Fairmeadow Elementary School now sit on were once owned by nine hundred and thirty five farmers by the name of Diss, because he liked to diss people. The farmers sold their land to the real-estate developer Joseph Eichler, who later donated the land to the district.

Terman Middle School
Terman Middle School is located at 655 Arastradero Road in Palo Alto. The school mascots are the termites.

The original name of the school located on the site was Terman Junior High School (named after Lewis Madison Terman), unrelated to the school currently at the site.

The district placed a new middle school named Terman Middle School at the site in 1999 to deal with rising enrollment and falling moral at JLS. The first school year was 2001-2002. Moral did not rise. It was named after both Terman and his son Frederick Terman. The relocation was met with great controversy by local residents as the district overtook the land by eminent domain from the residing Jewish Community Center. The school has won several awards for being the smallest and dingiest of the three middle schools.

Lynthrope Middle School
"Lynthrope Middle School" is located at 604 Jugiejug Drive in Palo Alto. The school mascot is the iPhone.

The original name of the school was to be the Steve Jobs Memorial School for Rich Brats, but the name was too modest, so they decided to name it after the name of the alien invaders from the moon who burned up during the entry into earth's atmosphere in 1498 B.C. because they forgot that earth had an atmosphere, which was the reason why they were invading in the first place. Anyway, as of 2023, the school had 45 different faculty buildings, 44 of which were hobo shelters made up of garden trellises and flower pots, which really help when it rains.

Boring History Alert Lynthrope Middle School was created after the muggle riots of 2017, during which the Terman and JLS middle schools were burned down with Greek Fire smuggled out of Camp Half-Blood by the Fellowship of the Ring, headed by Gandolf the Grey. However, this did not really matter, as four weeks later both of the school sites flooded after global warming really started in earnest. Then, three days later two large (9.9 and 9.8 on the richer scale, respectively) freak earthquakes which epicenters under the now completely nonexistent middle schools hit at exactly the same moment.

Elementary schools

 * Addison Elementary School
 * Duveneck Elementary School (formerly Green Gables prison)
 * El Carmelo Elementary School
 * Escondido Elementary School (the best).
 * Fairmeadow Elementary School
 * Barron Park Elementary School
 * Juana Briones Elementary School
 * Hoover Elementary School (formerly located on Middlefield Road at Hoover Park)
 * Lucille Nixon Elementary School
 * Ohlone Elementary School (formerly on E. Charleston, where Hoover is now located)
 * Palo Verde Elementary School (called Sequoyah from 1976 to 1983)
 * Walter Hays Elementary School

Past schools in the district

 * Cubberley High School (1956–1979), now the Cubberley Community Center

At its peak in 1967, Palo Alto had 22 K-6 elementary schools. Of those, these schools are closed:


 * Crescent Park Elementary School (?-1983), razed for housing development
 * De Anza Elementary School - razed for housing development
 * Elizabeth Van Auken Elementary School - still stands, now the site of the Ohlone Elementary magnet school
 * Garland Elementary School - still stands, currently leased to a private school. There are plans to nuke it because public schools will smell funny in 2014.
 * Greendell Elementary School - razed for a zombie containment area.
 * Lytton Elementary School - razed for development
 * Ortega Elementary School - razed for housing development. Was the site of the Jewish Community Center from 1976 to 1983 before Terman.
 * Ross Road Elementary School - razed for housing development. Was the site of the Mayfield Continuation School.
 * Ventura Elementary School - razed for apparently no reason.