User:Marge584/Tyrtaeus/Johnwikster Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Marge584


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Marge584/Tyrtaeus
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Tyrtaeus

Evaluate the drafted changes
The Lead Section

I really like the reframing you are planning to do around the lead section of the article. The addition in the first sentence gives the reader a bit more context the to importance and significance of Tyrtaeus. Also great grammatical analysis of the last section in the lead section. I think that breaking it up so there are not so many run on sentences and making the additions that you have will benefit the flow of the text for the reader. Additionally the breaking up of the sentence about elegy provides a more concise definition of the term and makes the information flow better.

Clarity of Article Structure

I think that the restructuring around the sections of “sources” and “Birth Place and Origin” will serve the reader well. I think rearranging these sections will help the flow of the paper but I wonder if putting some sort of signpost that addresses the limitation of primary sources in the “Birth Place and Origin” section would help the reader better understand the context of sources used for the page. Additionally, I like the insertion of the subsection “Theme: Military Ideology” as it really expands on the influence and commentary of spartan society. However, in this section,  I wonder if the sentence, “This concept involves the idea of what it means to be excellent.” is necessarily needed for explaining Arete just because the word is linked to another wiki page and a reader can hover over it to quickly learn what it is. However, I would say that the sentence provides a good brief definition of the term so removing it may not be needed.

Coverage Balance

Overall, I think that the modifications made to the page are very balanced and relative to each sections importance. The only question that came to mind when reading the “Military Ideology” section was that I wonder if there are any other poems aside from 9 that exemplifies this notion of Arete. If military was a large topic of commentary for Tyrtaeus, I think additional examples will prove beneficial in conveying this information especially because his classical works were utilized by spartan armies during campaigns. If not, I think that this section in terms of balance is just fine considering the lack of recorded sources that convey his influence.

Content Neutrality

I think that in general, the editor has done a great job with staying neutral in their commentary especially in the section of “Military ideology” that is being inserted. I might suggest just briefly changing the wording in some of this sentences in this section just so that it does not sound like an argument is being made. For example, the line that reads,  “One can speculate that his poems help push this ideology along by constantly promoting how a Spartan becomes their most powerful self” may benefit from just a simple change of the first few words to something like “His poems echoed the militaristic ideology of spartan society by constantly promoting how a Spartan becomes their most powerful self.” I think  overall though, attention to content neutrality is presented well and there is not much that needs changing aside from a few word choices.

Sources

The sources used by the editor are great reliable papers published through academia and I think their uses serve the page really well. I may suggest digging into more sources as well especially in the added military section just so that there is a balanced viewpoint of his role in spartan militaristic poetry. However, looking at the original page, there is a plethora of useful sources that address Tyrtaeus so there may not be a lot in terms of additional sources that can be utilized. I might suggest looking into the sources on the existing page just to see if any have information that is useful to the “Military Ideology” section.