User:Marthagonzo/Scientology and celebrities/Sydneyoscott Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Marthagonzo


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Marthagonzo/Scientology_and_celebrities?veaction=edit&preload=Template%3ADashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Scientology and celebrities

Evaluate the drafted changes
As of right now Marthagonzo has not made any edits in the Sandbox draft page for this article, so I can only make comments about what I think should be done in order to improve this article. The lead of the article is strong and gives a good summary of how celebrities and Scientology are related. I thought a lot of good information was presented in the lead, however, I think some of the information provided could have been elaborated and expanded on in another section of the article. For example, one sentence in the lead says,"Scientology has had a written program governing celebrity recruitment since at least 1955, when L. Ron Hubbard created "Project Celebrity", offering rewards to Scientologists who recruited targeted celebrities." This is an informative and important sentence, however, I felt like that information could have a whole section dedicated to it. Also at that point readers don't have any context as to who L. Ron Hubbard is. This is especially true since a Wikipedia article about Hubbard wasn't linked in the lead at all.

'The "Coordinated effort" section was confusing to me as far as formatting and the title. After reading the section I am still not entirely clear as to why "coordinated effort" was the title of the section. I think it is because celebrities and the The Church of Scientology coordinate officially. I feel like this would be clearer if "Coordinated effort" was used with context in the body of the section. For example the first sentence of the section could say, "Celebrities and The Church of Scientology work together in a coordinated effort to promote The Church of Scientology and its teachings". I also felt like this section just had a lot of formatting and wording issues that made it confusing. For example, these sentences: "The Church of Scientology operates special Celebrity Centres. Scientology policy governs the Celebrity Centres (the main one in Los Angeles and others in Paris, Nashville, and elsewhere), stating that "one of the major purposes of the Celebrity Centre and its staff is to expand the number of celebrities in Scientology." (Scientology Flag Order 2310) These sentences could have different formatting and wording in order to make the information in these sentences clearer. This section provides two multi sentence quotes. The first quote is from L. Ron Hubbard, and in this section Hubbard is identified as, "founder" and his Wikipedia page is linked. Hubbard should have been linked and identified as the founder when he was first quoted in the lead of the article in order to provide clearer context earlier on. I liked the quote from Hubbard, but I wondered if there were more quotes from him regarding this topic that could be added, especially since Hubbard is the founder of Scientology. The second quote used in this section was from Hugh B. Urban, professor of religious studies in the Department of Comparative Studies at Ohio State University. This is a good source to use a quote from because professor Urban is a qualified source who is outside of the church of Scientology. His quote is relevant to how celebrities and The Church of Scientology are related. The quote is dropped into the section without context before or after the quote, so it could be confusing to some readers. After the second quote there was a space break and then the section concluded with these two sentences: "Journalistic and media sources claim that Scientology is “The Church of the Stars” or a “star-studded sect,” although there are likely more Hollywood celebrities in other religious traditions. One reason for this is the church’s Celebrity Centres, which is unique to the religion. Most members in these facilities are not celebrities, however, a lot of members are part of the entertainment industry" There are no references or links in this sentence even though there are quotes. The reader is left wonder who the "Journalistic and media sources" referenced are, and what journalistic or media sources, "claim that Scientology is “The Church of the Stars” or a “star-studded sect".

The next section of the article is titled, "Notable Scientologist celebrities". This section has two opening sentences, and then the section has a list of all the notable Scientologist celebrities and the link to their Wikipedia pages. The opening sentences are, "The Church of Scientology has a long history of seeking out artists, musicians, writers and actors, and states that Scientology can help them in their lives and careers.[11] Celebrity Scientologists include:" and then the list is provided. This sentence could improved with rewording and different sentence structure. For example it could say, "The Church of Scientology has a long history of seeking out celebrities such as: artists, musicians, writers and actors. The Church of Scientology states that, "Scientology can help them in their lives and careers" (proper quote citation and source of the quote).