User:MasonFleming44/Joseph Hekekyan/Peeparoni Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

MasonFlemming44


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:MasonFleming44/Joseph_Hekekyan?veaction=edit&preload=Template:Dashboard.wikiedu.org_draft_template
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Joseph Hekekyan

Early Life
For the Early Life section, they added some information unseen in the article so far, in a neutral tone. Sources are recent and trustworthy. The second addition to this section, "After being called to Egypt, Hekekyan became active in the educational and industrial reform. Was appointed Chief Overseer, trained students, traveled to the new Polytechnic engineering school in Bulaq, and contributed to the establishment of the Egyptian School in Paris. " is phrased wrong in between sentences. I would simply just add "He" at the beginning to the second sentence to fix it. The information is good where is it, but if possible I would add the year in which he appointed to flow better in the chronological order of the paragraph. This section is very strong and looks like it belongs right in the original article. Overall, good information with good sources, just some minor phrasing and grammar fixes.

Surveyor and Planner
I'm not sure how I feel about this subtitle. I understand it was in the original article, but I feel as if you could change it to "Early Career" or something along those lines. Looking at articles of similar people, that's how they title their headings, I assume to follow the chronical sense, so consider that when drafting your article. The addition of the year in the first sentence was a good touch to that section in the context of the rest of the article, though if possible I'd like to know why he was discharged. That seems like an interesting point that would offer some background onto this person. Very few additions to the original text, but good ones.

Archeologist
Again with this subtitle, I feel as though it could be changed to fit the theme, something like "Archeology Career." You added a lot of good information to this section, which was much needed. I would link Leonard Homer's name in the articles to be sure people can be brought to the Wikipedia article with more information on this person. I think the second sentence could be combined with the first, going something like "He also directed excavations at Heliopolis which took four years of excavation, financed by the Royal Society of London and the Ottoman-Egyptian government of Abbas Pasha. " I understand these come from different pages within the source, but it makes sense rather than the two separate sentences. I would probably just add a comma between the two pages this information was found on to make a more clear and concise statement.

Overall
I think you have added a good amount that is backed up well with sources, is neutral, and is clear. There might be a few points where you could improve regarding grammar and being concise, and perhaps expanding the sources. All of the sources are from the same book, which does seem to have a good bought of information, but could be misconstrued as lacking if more sources are not added. Obviously we have just started and perhaps you may not have all of your sources yet, but still I thought it was of note based on what I had to review The article is on the right path, and with a few minor tweaks, I think it is a great contribution into the original article.

Peer Review Response
In Early Life and Education, I will fix it's grammar because it does sound a little off reading it and find the year he was appointed Chief Overseer if possible. I also agree with more sources could be added, so we will be looking up more, as well as editing the subtitles. Overall will definitely fix my grammar and being more concise through the article. In the Surveyor and Planner section, I will think of another title that fits this section better. I will also add some information on why Hekekyan was discharged if we can find any. In the Archeologist section, I am going to change the heading to "Archeology Career". I'm also going to link Leonard Horner's name to his Wikipedia page. I will also reconstruct the first and second sentence to make it flow nicer.