User:Matthew Stannard/Scratch/jokes



Main article: You have two cows

"You have two cows" is the beginning phrase for a series of political joke definitions. The following list of these "two cows" jokes was assembled from over 20 different versions found on the internet. Some of these jokes (possibly most of them) are Wikipedian originals, created after this page's inception.

The definitions have no scientific value and may reflect certain points of view.

A
Absurdist: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Alcoholism: You have two cows, but you see four.

Anarchism: You have two cows. You milk them for the benefit of the collective, which in turn provides you with other necessities, until Franco's army slaughters all of you.

Anime: You have two cows. One transforms into an enormous fighting robot and soars into outer space to battle the intergalactic menace, Lord Hiroyashi. The other grows enormous udders and struts around in front of innocent calves with no lives. Some j-pop plays. Both cows vanish...until..NEXT TIME ON COWARUKI WARRIORS

Aristocracy: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow &mdash; with a pedigree.

Assembly computer language You have two cows, in registers 1 and 2. Many inexplicably complicated things happen and everything crashes.

Army &mdash; United Kingdom: You have two cows. One moves. You salute it. The other doesn't. You paint it.

Army &mdash; United States: You have two cows. You don't ask. They don't tell.

Artist &mdash; Visual: You have two cows. You suspend them in formaldehyde in glass display boxes. In London. (See Damien Hirst.)

ASC A Stream Compiler: You have two cows. You realise that you've been tricked out of one of them. You now have one cow. And counting.

Atheism You have two cows. You don't believe they exist. The cows do miracles that suspiciously don't sound valid, and you still don't believe they exist. You shoot yourself because life has no meaning.

B
Baathism: You have two cows. They compete in blaming the Jews for everything until the one with the higher milk revenues grows a mustache and starts gassing you. When it attacks your neighbor, the world just pushes it back to your feedlot and says killing it would violate your sovereignty.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Bureaucracy &mdash; British #1: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Bureaucracy &mdash; British #2: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the "all clear," and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

Bureaucracy &mdash; European Union: You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45 percent fruit).

Bureaucracy &mdash; Indian: You have two cows. But since these cows are holy cows, you cannot tell them what to do, or milk them, or do anything useful with them. The cows however, have no such barriers. The emerging liberal democracy requires one to fill out 37 triplicate forms before killing anything, and cows cannot write. Thus the cows do not slaughter you, you do not slaughter the cows, and the pacifist monks are satisfied.

Bureaucracy &mdash; United States #1: You have two cows. One has BSE. If you checked whether they have BSE, you might find out, so you just declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

Bureaucracy &mdash; United States #2: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other. You are then paid to not milk cows.

Bureaucracy &mdash; United States #3: You have two cows. The government takes one, and milks it dry. Then it asks you to fill out forms explaining why the cow is missing. The government then pays you to take care of the milk. The government takes the second cow and leaves it somewhere until it dies. Then it takes the milk you had and spills it down the drain. You again have to fill out forms for the missing cow and for the lost milk. You are then paid to sit on your bum and never put in a decent day's work again. A certain government agency calls and tells you are doing the right thing.

C
Canadianism: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Capitalism #2: You don't have any cows. The bank won't lend you any money to buy cows because you don't have any cows.

Capitalism &mdash; Information asymmetry at work: You have two cows. You know that one of them has BSE. You sell it, and buy a bull.

Capitalism &mdash; American #1: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. You go into real estate.

Capitalism &mdash; American #2: You have two cows. You sell one, and give the other one drugs until it can produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

Capitalism &mdash; Australian: You have two cows. You are suspicious of them. They look foreign or Abo. With only 10 million acres of outback per honest Australian cow you can't afford to take chances. You isolate the cows on a small Pacific island pending further enquiries. The cows die on hunger strike.

Capitalism &mdash; Brazilian: You have two cows. You milk them, and try to sell the milk to the Americans. You can't, and blame the protectionist policies of the US, Canada, and Europe. The government then creates the Cow Tax. You have to sell one of your cows to pay for it.

Capitalism &mdash; Canadian: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, and throws away the milk. You shoot yourself.

Capitalism &mdash; Hong Kong: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

Capitalism &mdash; Enron #1: You have two cows. You borrow 80 percent of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with five percent down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20 billion at a rate two times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a second bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web). (See Enron scandal).

Capitalism &mdash; Enron #2: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. (See Enron scandal).

Capitalism &mdash; Italian: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. When you come back from lunch, the TV and the Press (which you own) are announcing that the two cows have reproduced to become 2,000 cows during lunch. You and your brand-new colleague, Rino "Chi-Chi the cat-buggerer" Torricelli (a respected Sicilian businessman with an international pharmaceutical empire) now qualify for a huge EEC grant. You still don't know where the cows are.

Capitalism &mdash; Japanese: You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide. The cows learn to bow to each other.

Capitalism &mdash; New Economy: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed to the other cow. Then you create a website and start offering to export sperm from the bull to anyone and everyone, especially emerging markets, over the Internet. After a few weeks, your company completes its IPO on NASDAQ, and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a strong buy rating for this wonderful new Internet stock. Your stock zooms from the $0.10 per share initial offering price to $110, when you sell. The stock plummets back to $0.10 a few months later when the investors who bought it realize that your business has no earnings and never will, despite the Internet presence. Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and criminal actions against the company, all of the officers and directors and (of course) you, under various fraud theories. You quickly settle the civil cases so the lawyers get paid, but you still have plenty stashed away. You plead nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to ten years in prison, of which you actually serve seven weeks. When you come out, you buy two chickens.

Capitalism &mdash; Pessimist/Critic's view: You mass produce genetically modified cows, establish a local monopoly, and sell low-quality, possibly adulterated milk at inflated prices, all the while doing horrendous damage to the environment. Your bank account grows fatter and fatter. When people complain, you hire a team of lawyers and pay for advertisements saying how great you are.

Capitalism &mdash; South Korean: You have two cows. You sell both and buy an elephant. You create a marketing campaign to tell people an elephant works better in agriculture and produces better tasting milk.

Cartesian dualism: You have two cows. Therefore you are.

Catholicism: You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession; your parish priest tells you that having cows is not in and of itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten Hail Marys.

Censorship: You have two (Bleeping) cows. You wish to say something about the (bleep) situation in which they establish a pointless (bleepity-bleep) tax. You write an article, except all the essential information is erased, and you blame the (bleep) government. It turns out they did do it, but just to keep you quiet, they give you two more cows, and then double the tax.

Centrism: You have two cows. They are in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

Christian You have never seen your cows, and they have never done anything for you, yet you believe in them anyway.

CIA: You have two cows. But you can't tell anyone about them.

Common Sense Revolutionism: You have two cows. The provincial government reduces the cow tax, and you buy another cow. Then the provincial government deals with its reduced tax revenue by downloading costs on the regional municipality, which raises property taxes. You sell one of your cows to pay the higher property tax. The cattle dealers keep voting Tory.

Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, but there is not enough milk for everyone. You all die from malnourishment.

Communism: You have two cows. Technically, everyone owns all the cows and everyone is equal. If you happen to be in charge of everyone and their cows, you own more of the cows than everyone else because you are more equal than they are.

Communism: You have two cows. Everyone receives equal portions of the milk no matter how hard they work, so your neighbors decide not to work at all. You all die from malnourishment.

Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them at gun point, and you all share the milk... for a few months. Then the people in charge of redistributing the milk hog it all, declaring themselves the most "important" people to the system of communism. Some who disagree rebel, causing those in charge of redistribution remove the "rebel" region's "food" privileges. Hundreds of thousands of innocents in the region are starved out. Then those in charge start demanding military service from families' children in exchange for "licenses" to consume necessary goods. All people are forced at guns point by those who control the guns to work as slaves for 18 hours a days to earn their "shelter" licenses. You then realize that you have not gotten rid of capitalism, but rather unleashed the horrors of state capitalism, a system where the state becomes the most powerful, evil monopolist humanly possible. Finally, while starving to death in your government subsidized hut, you realize that there are only two economies in the world that you can choose from - state capitalism and free-market capitalism. You then realize, silently to yourself, for fear of speaking out against "the people's" system, that communism was the wrong choice.

Communism &mdash; African: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

Communism &mdash; Cambodian: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them. Then he shoots you.

Communism &mdash; Chinese #1: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.

Communism &mdash; Chinese #2: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk but you are encouraged to steal some of it back before someone else does.

Communism &mdash; Chinese Cultural Revolution: You have two cows. The government declares they are "pigs," and launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

Communism &mdash; Cuban #1: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen milk since 1975.

Communism: &mdash; Cuban #2: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.

Communism &mdash; Cuban #3: You used to have two cows, but they sailed to Miami.

Communism &mdash; North Korean: You have two cows. The government takes you and the cows hostage, guzzles both of them and nearly starves you, and then offers to not nuke the world if the international community provides aid.

Communism &mdash; Soviet #1: You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a small amount of milk... once.

Communism &mdash; Soviet #2: You have two cows. Both cows are seized, and then another revolution occurs. Just when everyone else is getting settled down, another revolution occurs. Oh, and your cows are still missing.

Communism &mdash; Stalinist: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

Communitarianism: You have two cows. Community has milk.

Competition: You have two cows. You sell their milk for two dollars a bottle. Farmer Joe sells his for one fifty a bottle. The government outsources milk production and Moomoomilk. Inc. merges with Farmer Joe, selling milk for fifty cents a bottle. Eventually, you go bankrupt and sell the cows, while Moomoomilk, Inc. has its board of directors convicted of fraud. The company disbands, and now nobody has milk.

Computers: You have two cows. One becomes a computer programmer and earns lots of money, until she turns 21, when she is laid off and dies without producing any milk. Her savings pay for her college debts. Your other cow wastes your lifeblood by playing Everquest and later dies after playing 24 hours in a row.

Confucianism: You have two cows. They have calves. Honoring their calves promotes you to a second degree governor. After you slaughter the original cows, you die, go to the Halls of the Dead, and are subjugated to the 99-odd Tortures of Death.

Conservativism: You have two cows. You freeze the milk, embalm the cows and charge people to look at them.

Corporation &mdash; Brazilian: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1,000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

Corporation &mdash; French: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Corporation &mdash; German: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Corporation &mdash; Indian: You have two cows. You worship them.

Corporation &mdash; Italian: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

Corporation &mdash; Japanese: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. Then you produce the game cowkemon and become a billionaire.

Corporation &mdash; Mexican: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

Corporation &mdash; Russian: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really had.

Corporation &mdash; Swiss: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them for others.

Counterculture: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

D
Dada: You have two cows. Ballerina.

Deconstructionism You have two cows, or is it that two cows have you?

Democracy #1: You have two cows. They outvote you 2–1 to ban all meat and dairy products.

Democracy #2: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

U.S. Democratic Party: You have two cows. The richer cow is taxed while the poor cow benefits from social programs.

Democracy &mdash; British: You have three cows. You're sure the third one would give better milk than the other two, but you don't want to milk it in case you're wrong.

Democracy &mdash; Canadian: The government gives two cows to natives with treaty status.

Democracy &mdash; Canadian #2: The government takes an Indian band's land and gives it two cows in exchange. The calves must be sent to residential school, where they are sexually abused and end up unable to produce milk. Anyway, there's not enough land on the reserve to graze cows. White dairy farmers burn down the cow barns on the reserve to protest favoritism towards natives. The government sends in the Cattle Guard to stop native dairy farming out of season.

Democracy &mdash; Canadian #3: You have two cows. Everybody in other provinces hates you because of your bovine assets, so the government takes one of your cows and sends it to them as an equalization payment. They still hate you.

Democracy &mdash; Floridian: You have two cows, one black and one white. The voters are asked to name which one they prefer. Some who prefer the white cow vote for the black cow. Some vote for both. Some don't vote at all. Some vote for their favorite but their votes are declared invalid. Some can't even figure out how to vote in the first place. After several weeks, outsiders come in and decide which one is your favorite.

Democracy &mdash; Japanese: You have two cows. The extra votes from the cows are enough to elect you as representative to the Diet. You pass a bill to multiply the price of milk by eight.

Democracy &mdash; Representative #1: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Democracy &mdash; Representative #2: You have two cows. You elect someone with the best face for T.V. to tell you how to take care of your cows.

Democracy &mdash; Singaporean: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Democracy &mdash; South African You have two cows. One is hijacked and the government redistributes the other one, in pieces, to previously disadvantaged fellow citizens. You live on the milk you stashed away during the apartheid years.

Democracy &mdash; Taiwanese You have two cows. The government takes one away from you, paints a red star on it, and then cuts it to pieces with automatic rifle fire. Then, the soldiers salute "Long Live Chiang Kai-Shek!" before they leave.

Democracy &mdash; United States #1: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

Democracy &mdash; United States #2: You have two cows that your parents gave you. Your job provides you with four cows every month, but once a year, the government takes away 24 of them. For some reason, everybody around you seems to have more cows than you. Eventually most of your cows die from old age and over-milking. Then, the government provides you with half a cow every month (just enough so you don't starve).

Democracy &mdash; United States #3: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

Democracy &mdash; United States #4: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk, and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports.

Democracy &mdash; United States #5: Your country has two cows. One votes on moral issues, the other votes on social issues.

Despotism &mdash; Modern: You have two cows. The government steals your cows and shoots you, but in interests of pleasing the global community, name you as a "Militant Rebel Insurgent," call their government an "Enlightened Centralized Executive," and ask for UN peacekeeping troops to come and separate the radical separationist cow-owners from normal people.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dilbertism: You have two cows. One gives milk. The other doesn't. You promote the one that doesn't give milk (which also has pointy horns) to Dairy Manager, so you don't have to waste time milking it.

Dukorism: You have two cows. You kill one and wear its head as a mask and ride the other into town, all because you're desperate for attention.

Dyslexia: You have two woks.

E
Elections: You have two cows. Both cows hate each other, but they look exactly the same, act exactly the same, eat exactly the same, and produce the same milk. They hold an election, and Florida uses obsolete voting cards. After months of intense and pointless recounting, one cow wins.

Environmentalism #1: You have two cows. Government regulations require your cows to wear protective headgear so they do not allow bacteria to die and illegalize the killing of parasites by aggravated cows.

Environmentalism #2: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Environmentalism #3: You had two cows. You over milked the cows and sub-let their paddock as a car-park. Only one staving toxic cow remains. So the government starts regulating cow-management so this doesn't happen again.

Existentialism: You have two cows. You declare "Hell is the other cow." (See Jean-Paul Sartre.)

F
Fascism #1: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

Fascism #2: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Fatalism: You have two cows. Whatever happens to them, happens.

Feminism: You have two cows. They reproduce through cloning because bulls have no practical use in the world.

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FDAism: You have two cows. You force one to drink 400 gallons of water a day. It stops producing milk and dies. You ban water. The second cow has cancer. There is a cancer treatment that has existed for 15 years and has been proven to work, but can no longer be produced because the synthesis requires water. It can't get the treatment it needs and dies. You put the company under investigation.

FPGA: You have two cows. They are more expensive than regular cows and don't do anything specific. However they can be transformed almost instantaneously into very inefficient versions of many farmyard animals. It is particularly inefficient to turn them into another cow.

Frisbeetarianism: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You smoke a joint and hope the government provides cow ladders.

Fundamentalism #1: You have two cows. The government kills you for owning cows, confiscates your cows, and then kills everyone who suggests that the government should be killed for owning cows.

Fundamentalism #2: You have two cows. The Holy Book does not mention cows, and the government confiscates them because they do not exist.

G
Glaswegian sectarianism: You have two cows. One is blue and the other is green. They hate each other.

Gay/lesbian rights activists: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a calf. After some time the marriage is rendered void, and the calf is reinstated for veal.

H
Hempelism: You have two cows. This increases the probability that a given animal you don't have isn't a cow.

I
Idealism: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

Industrialism: You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

Ingsoc: You have two cows, and you provide them with plenty of fresh Feedcow and clean, cool Cowdrink. However, Mincow declares this to be a Cowcrime. You are taken away to have your Cowthink realigned with that of the Party. When you return you realize that your two cows are actually five.

In Soviet Russia: In America, you have two cows. In Soviet Russia, two cows have you.

Instant Messaging: You have two cows. They don't say "moo," they say "lol," "g2g," "brb," and "roflmbo." Whenever you try to milk them, they either warn you, block you, or log out.

Intern: You have two cows. Or rather, your boss has two cows and you are responsible for the day-to-day feeding, maintenance and upkeep of them &mdash; in addition to the proper filing and distribution of their milk and other by-products while your boss takes credit for your accomplishments. However, you are still able to retain credit for any foul-ups regarding the cows; be they yours, your boss’, or the cows’. Although you will start this endeavor with great enthusiasm, you will slowly come to realize that you are actually gaining very little benefit from this arrangement other than padding your résumé, and your enthusiasm will concurrently wane in proportion to this process of realization. Eventually, before your designated date of departure from this slavish form of employment, you will begin to seek to undermine the cow-boss relationship that you originally sought so vehemently to promote.

Imperialism: You have two cows. The government "rescues" them, waits several decades, and gives them back to you.

K
Kafkaism: You have two cows. One of them turns into a giant bug which eventually dies as a symbol of personal alienation from society. The other one arrests you for an unspecified reason and in the end shoots you without an explanation, instantly nullifying the purpose of your very existence.

L
Labor Unionism: You have two cows. They band together with everyone else's cows to form the Cow Peoples' Union, or CPU. They demand higher wages and shorter working hours. You respond by increasing wages and working hours. As your house burns and your windows are smashed in, you realize that your life depends on these cows, and their happiness is part of your survival. You decide to tell that to God.

Liberalism #1: You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

Liberalism #2: You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

Libertarianism #1: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

Libertarianism #2: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Libertarianism #3: You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

Libertarianism #4: You have two cows. To hell with everybody else!

Libertarianism #5: You have two cows. A large succession of purely ad hominem attacks are made against your cows by vested plundering socialist interests and various other useful idiots created by the public school system. Your cows are then stoned to death by a mob who declares the cows to be "apologists" for capital. Strawman attacks accuse you of being a monopolistic fascist. Amidst this nonsense, you flee to a foreign country, while your home country commits economic suicide and then despairingly falls into dictatorship. You then laugh, and declare the death of your two cows to be worth the price of admission for a front seat ticket to the whole show. Then you wake up, and realize that all the non-socialist countries are third-world.

Libertarianism #6: You have two cows, but you keep trying to milk a pig, since the fact that the pig can't be milked, doesn't understand what milk or cows is, and has no interest in the farm as a whole, are sure indications that it will produce the best milk.

M
Marxism/Leninism: The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cow-herds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrates over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

Mathematics #1: You have $$\int_0^\pi \sin(x)\,dx$$ cows.

Mathematics #2: You have $$\sum_{n=0}^\infty {1 \over 2^n}$$ cows.

Mathematics #3: You have $$\left\lfloor {e^2 \over \pi} \right\rfloor = 1 - e^$$ cows.

Mathematics (Invalid proofs): Given that you have two cows, infinitely many cows exist. First, observe that at least one cow ($$c_0$$) exists. Let $$\mathbb{C}$$ be defined as the set of all cows and define $$\mathbb{F} \subseteq \mathbb{C}$$ to be the set of all cows in your farm. Define the predicate $$E(n) = \left( \left|\mathbb{F}\right| \ge n \right)$$. Noting that $$n$$ is an ordinal number, that is, $$\mathbb{F} = \left\{ 1st\ cow,\ 2nd\ cow,\ 3rd\ cow,\ \ldots \right\}$$, the second cow cannot exist independently of the first cow, i.e. $$E(n + 1) \mbox{ iff } E(n)$$. Consider the case when $$n = 0$$. Since $$c_0$$ exists, $$E(n) = E(0)$$ is true. Similarly, it is given that $$c_1$$ exists, and so $$E(n + 1) = E(1)$$ is also true. Therefore, $$E(n) \Rightarrow E(n + 1)$$. Therefore $$\forall n \left\{ n \in \mathbb{Z}_0^{+} : E(n) \right\} \Longrightarrow \mathbb{C} \supseteq \mathbb{F} \equiv \mathbb{Z}_0^{+} \Longrightarrow \left|\mathbb{C}\right| = \aleph_0$$. Q.E.D. (The flaw: $$E(n) \Rightarrow E(n + 1)$$ works for $$n=0$$ only because $$E(0)$$ and $$E(1)$$ are both true by assumption. If $$n > 0$$, we only have $$E(n + 1) \Rightarrow E(n)$$.  It's a good thing that it fails, too, because if it worked, "You are holding two apples in your hand." would imply "You are holding an infinite number of apples in your hand.", which would not bode well for your continued survival.)

Mathematics (Intel): You have 1.999999997 cows. (See Pentium FDIV bug.)

Matrixism: There is no cow.

Metaphysical objectivism: You have two cows. They have milk, even when you aren't milking them.

Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and presses you into military service.

McFeudalism: You have no cows. Occasionally you sneak meat-flavored sandwiches from your employer.

Molysmophobia: You have two cows. You kill them in fear of disease. You eat them and then you catch Ecoli 147. You strut around for the rest of your life, diseased and crippled.

Monarchy (Constitutional): You have one Cow and one Cow Apparent. According to tradition they are responsible for producing the farm’s milk. But real milk-making authority lies with the cowalition in charge of Cowliament. With nothing else to occupy her time, the Cow Apparent gets herself into various scandals involving wealthy bulls.

Monty Hallism: You have two cows. There's a 2/3 chance of one of them being behind a door you haven't picked.

Mooreism: You have two cows. But you wish you'd never gotten them, and you always only talk about everything that's wrong with them, even though they form the substance of your career. Oh, and you insist they're squirrels.

N
Nazism: You have two cows. When it is realized that cows do not have a nation, and represent an inferior race of leeches, they are gassed. You are drafted to work on the autobahn.

Nerdism: You have two cows. You sell one of them on eBay for several thousand dollars and buy a new computer with the profits. Then you write a new operating system and use the second cow for the logo. Unfortunately, no one uses 'CowOs' because Windows is so popular.

New Dealism: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other dry, and pours the milk down a drain. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes. New Zealandism: You had two sheep. Parrots ate them.

Nihilism: There are no cows. There never were. You have a cigarette and a cup of black coffee to ponder the cow-shaped hole in the universe.

No soap radio: You have two cows. On a Monday, you milk them. They moo. A farmer comes and asks to buy one. You sell it to him. He slaughters it. The next day, the farmer returns, and asks to buy the remaining cow. You sell it to him. He slaughters it. The next day, the farmer comes back drunk, and asks to buy your six elephants. You don't have any elephants. The farmer leaves. You take a trip to Africa to buy six elephants. The elephant dealer went out of business and is now selling used cars. You buy a used car. It's a Ford Taurus. You drive it to the peak of Mt. Kilamanjaro. The farmer is there. He has a hangover. He asks to buy your Toyota. No soap radio.

Nuclear fission: You have two cows. You smash some milk into one and it splits into two smaller cows and many gallons of milk. The new milk causes the other original cow to itself split into two smaller cows, giving you much more milk than you started with. You go to look for a field of cows to split so that you can provide more milk for everyone else just so long as you don't make too much milk, which would be dangerous.

Nuclear fusion: You have two cows. You smash them into each other with so much force that they are transformed into many gallons of milk and a bull. Since you no longer have any cows, you can't produce more milk or breed the bull. You wait until the bull is worth enough to exchange for three cows. The milk is wasted.

Nursery Rhyme: You have two cows. They jumped over the moon.

O
Objectivism: You have two cows. They are married. One of them has an affair with Ayn Rand while writing lots of philosophical work. The relationship goes south, Rand excommunicates said cows, declares that cows are irrational.

Objectivism : Cow is Cow.

Optimism: You will have three cows.

Olympics-ism: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

Ontarioism: You have two cows. The Ontario Milk Marketing Board says you may sell the milk from only one. You blame the French.

P
Pacifism: You have two cows. They stampede you.

PETAism: You have two cows. You decide to sell them to a meat packing plant and retire from farming. The plant is blown up and all the cows are "liberated". Three days later, the cows are euthanized and kept in a freezer for months before being buried. The irony goes unnoticed until the next exposé, which is largely ignored.

Perotism: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.

Platonism: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

Plutocracism: You have two cows. Your richer neighbors get to take one of them and the other's milk because they are richer. In rebellion, you become richer and take three of their cows and the fourth's milk. This continues until the cows decide to invent the concept of "Cow-munism", band together, become richer than everyone, and take everything and its milk.

Polish corporation: You have two bulls. Several people are killed while attempting to milk them.

Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) a number of (careful! can't be numerist) differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovine/lupine/ovine/caprine/equine/other (also known as BLOCE*) of non-specified gender.

Postmodernism: You have two cows. The subject is interpolated into a prematerial discourse that includes consciousness as a whole. The characteristic theme of Tilton's critique of constructivism is the dialectic, and thus the paradigm, of neodialectic cows.

Protectionism: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

Protestantism: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

Q
Quebecism: You may have two cows, as long as the anglophone one is smaller than the francophone one.

R
Racism:

You have two arbitary cows, A and B. They look slightly different on the outside. You fall into a habit of abusing and fearing cow B. Cow B produces less milk and becomes more violent. You justify this as evidence that cow B was bad all along.

Redistributionism: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

Relativity Two cows have you. You house them, serve them food and drink, and discharge from excessive body fluids.

Republicanism: You have two cows. The Republican Party takes 1 glass of milk for every gallon produced if you're rich, 2 glasses if you're poor.

Romeo and Juliet: You have two cows. So does your neighbor. You and your neighbor quarrel until both of your cows die. Then you spend the rest of your money on a pointless monument and as you have no money left, you commit suicide.

Rothbardianism: You have two cows. Realizing that Government is simply a coercive monopoly, the Cows abolish the government and replace it with freely competing defense/rights protection agencies. Money is returned to its rightful place by having currencies on the milk-standard.

S
Scottish Nationalism You have two cows. The English have no cows. The English buy your milk. You believe this is part of a long-term plan to steal your cows, so you stop selling them the milk.

Scottish Parliamentarianism #1: You used to have two cows, but the English took them away. They have now been given to you by Westminster, in a spirit of pure generosity. You are free to make any decisions you like concerning the cows, but Westminster will tell you if you're making the wrong ones.

Scottish Parliamentarianism #2: You have two cows. A man offers to build a cowshed in exchange for one of the cows. Three years later he tells you it isn't finished yet, and will actually cost you both cows.

Schrödingerism You have two cows. They are simultaneously alive and dead.

Secessionism: You have two cows. The Federal government taxes you into serfdom, taking all your milk, food, and money for the first half of the year. Along with other cow owners, you trade one cow for guns and ammo to defend your property rights against unconstitutional taxation, and hide your other cow. The government then invades your land to collect "the people's" taxes, and in self-defense, you fire the first shot. Having committed the ultimate crime of defending yourself against government, you are water-tortured into telling the whereabouts of your cow and your children are "reconstructed" by public schools into believing that the state action was to stop slavery... even though you owned no slaves.

All the slaves in your state are freed, then immediately re-enslaved via conscription for the Federal government to be used as buffalo soldiers to commit genocide on the native Indians. Today, all blacks, whites, and the few remaining natives are enslaved to the Federal government via income taxes.

Secessionism: #2 You have a Union of two cows. The cows have different ideological and economic needs. Before the healthier cow can control the weaker cow, the weaker cow secedes from the Union of cows. After disagreement both cows try to turn each other into mince-meat. You now have two weaker trumatized cows with less contrast between ideologies.

Sibling Rivalry You have two cows. You also have their mother. When the mother dies and leaves a vast pile of hay, your two cows struggle over it. Eventually, you hire a lawyer, who splits the hay and then takes the entire thing as his pay.

Simpsonism #1: You have two cows. Mmmm... Cows.

Simpsonism #2: You had two cows. Don't have another cow, man!

Situationism: You do not have two cows, but indirectly pseudo-experience them through the spectacle. Your cows are expelled from the Situationist International by Guy Debord.

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour.

Socialism &mdash; Bureaucratic: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Socratic Methodism: How many cows do I have? Why?

SASism: You have two cows. They have no names. You have no name. I have no name. Nobody has any names. Got it?

Splay trees You have two cows in a tree. You look at one and the tree rotates so that it is on top.

SQLism: sql> SELECT COUNT(*) FROM Cows WHERE FarmerName="You"; +--+ +--+ +--+ 1 row in set (0.00 sec)
 * COUNT(*) |
 * 2 |

Stalinism: You have two cows. You fear a revolt by the cows to take over your farm. So, you kill them both. You change your farm into a weaponry mass-production plant to feed yourself. However, you are still starving.

Stock Market: You have two cows. They produce lots of milk until a bear comes and attacks them. They are severely wounded, their children die off, and they refuse to produce milk. They then start to recover and produce milk when federal interest rates rise, still not outperforming inflation but enough to kill your cows off.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government paints one green and requires the other to give you accordion lessons.

Survivorism: You have two cows. They get taken to a remote farm and go through different challenges to win the "immunity idol." Then they vote each other off and a "jury" of other cows pick one to win a million dollars. The winner eats the money and dies from internal paper cuts and the loser goes on to make millions from sponsors and ads.

T
Thatcherism You have two cows. You only feed the one that produces the most milk. When the other one dies, you explain that this has made the market more efficient.

Theocracy &mdash; Iranian style: You have two cows. All the world believes only one is a dictator and the other is a democrat, but you can't see any difference and badly want to get rid of both.

Theocracy &mdash; Saudi style: You have two cows. The government says God has appointed it as the Eternal Guardian of the Two Holy Cows and pockets all the milk revenues. It grants you the choice either to spread the divine message or to suffer decapitation.

Theocracy &mdash; Taliban style: You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan countryside and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.

Taoism: The cow that can be milked is not the true cow. (Good thing you have two.)

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

U
United Nationism: You have two cows. France and Russia veto you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains. (see UN Security Council)

UFO: You have two cows. The next morning, you found their body parts scattered all over your fields. Then, you found an image of a smiley alien face on your corn field.

V
Vampirism: You have two cows. You leave them in the pasture overnight during a full moon and they become vampires. As a sign of this, their milk turns pink. Fortunately, cows lack cuspids and so cannot drink blood. You throw out the milk and burn the cows.

Visual Basicism: Humans.People("You").Possessions.Animals.FarmAnimals.Cattle.Cows.Count = 2

W
Wikipedianism #1: ''These cows are temporarily protected from milking. Please resolve disputes on the talk page. Protection is not intended to express support of German or Polish cows.''

Wikipedianism #2: Some people say you have two cows. Others disagree. Some experts state that anyone who denies the existence of your cows is probably smoking too much manure, but others revert them and call them Nazis. Eventually, the neighbors get so annoyed that they call the Dairy Committee, which, after spending the rest of the season trying to build a quorum, tells the experts in question that they are no longer allowed to milk your cows. The experts change their names, and within a week are back kicking the by-now-dead cows.

Wikipedianism #3: "You have two cows" is the beginning phrase for a series of political joke definitions.

===See Also:=== * List of "You have two cows" jokes ===External links=== *A forum maintained and moderated by Two Cows *Similar comparisons among religions by baseball, toys, or other factors

''This cow is a heifer. You can help Wikipedia by [ milking it].''

Y
You have two cows: You have two cows. Your neighbors have sheep. When your neighbors ask you about your cows you explain, "You have two sheep...."

Z
Zen: A monk had two cows. One day he went to Joshu. "Do cows have the Buddha-nature?" he asked. Joshu replied, "Moo."

Zionism: You have two cows. You created a pasture for your cows by using the ones from your sheep. They argued among themselves over the pasture and later fought each other for the pasture. Since then, you never have a good night sleep because of the bombings.