User:Max41022/2011–2012 Mauritanian protests/Arkpear12 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Max41022


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * 2011–2012 Mauritanian protests
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * 2011–2012 Mauritanian protests
 * 2011–2012 Mauritanian protests

Response
Thanks Alex for the feedback and I'm planning on including almost all of the changes that you suggested as they all make sense. Thanks especially for pointing out some recurring and stylistic issues! Especially with regards to writing too much in one sentence or including insufficient context, I think that these are definitely areas that I'll be more aware of an try to rectify in the page. Finally, your comments about the phrasing and normativeness of some of the language is very well taken and I'll edit some of those phrases that you pointed out. Thanks again! @arkpear12

Evaluate the drafted changes
Hi Max! Here are some of my suggestions! On the whole, I think this is a really strong first draft about an interesting topic. You're off to a great start!

Lead


 * Solid lead- good abstract of protests/and when/what/where/who/why
 * Add sentence about outcomes. What was the impact of these protests? Why do they matter? To whom do they matter?
 * Consider tense consistency. Fluctuate between past tense, past participle tense, and present participle tense. Choose a tense and stick to it. Additionally, keep tenses active, not passive.
 * Article itself focuses a great deal on the timeline and violence surrounding protests, but lead does not. Make sure lead reflects structure of entire article rather than summarizing the background.

Structure/Clarity


 * Nice hyper linking to relevant articles!! Definitely easy to see common themes and threads throughout your piece
 * I like the inclusion of a background section- helps situate reader
 * Check for typos and punctuation. Some missing commas throughout piece such as
 * PresidentSidi Ould Cheikh Abdallahi (add space and should include a comma)
 * Under Aziz's presidency Mauritania (include comma)
 * social issues such as high (include comma)
 * In Mauritania and led to their calls for a reversal of the administration's decision and preservation of what the Place d'Bloques, which they considered to be a national symbol (delete what)
 * Some areas where two words are used ("lack of adequate/appropriate")- choose one word
 * In the February 25th Movement section, what is a period of relative calm? How would that be classified?
 * "The reason for the striking absence of this group is unclear and contested, however, with these groups declaring that they refused to join what they considered protests with narrow social demands organized by inexperienced young people on Facebook and Twitter and the protest leaders claiming that they did not want the participation of these groups as their involvement would have distracted from the movement's main goals and stymied progress."
 * Split into multiple sentences
 * Clarify what the opposition groups demands are and why there's a conflict of interests
 * Make sure you're not starting two back-to-back sentences in same way ("Protesters also. ... Protesters also.")
 * Article is clearly organized, although your internal organization seems slightly distinct from original article organization. Could try to incorporate the latter sections (census, student protests, anniversary) into repression/escalation/response framework

Balanced Coverage


 * What does it mean for a protest to take off as planned? Whose plans are being considered? Whose account of the protest is that?
 * It seems like political demands from protests keep increasing. Why is this? Is it just a passive response to the political repression? Whose decision is it for political demands of protests to go from vague demands to resignation of top officials?
 * Each specific part of the protests, including involvement of actors, gets more space in article than the outcomes and international response section. Could consider re balancing page so that while description of events is thorough, it is also clear why these protests matter

Neutral Content


 * In phrase, "Under Aziz's presidency Mauritania saw notable increases in individual rights and freedoms that ranked among the best in the Arab world," what rights and freedoms are being alluded to? Ultimately, what does this statement mean? How could it be quantified?
 * When discussing education opportunities, you added section "(among young adults and highly educated individuals, respectively)." What does this distinction add? Is it necessary? Who would choose to include that clause and why?
 * In start of protests section, what are the demands? End this intro paragraph more specifically.
 * Why are opposition movements’ absence “striking”? use normative language, avoid descriptive adjectives

Sources/References


 * Some paragraphs have two sources at the end of them. Consider whether some could be cited earlier in the paragraph so that each claim has a clear reference attached to it
 * Could add more academic articles to your list of references. At the moment, lots of journalistic and think tank accounts, but scholarship might bolster outcomes section, particularly because scholarship is vaguely referenced in the section