User:Max41022/2011–2012 Mauritanian protests/KeeganmQuack Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Max41022


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=2011%E2%80%932012_Mauritanian_protests&diff=1080962795&oldid=1068904364
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * 2011–2012 Mauritanian protests

Response
Thanks for all of this feedback. Definitely super helpful and picked up on lots of things that I missed. I'm planning on adopting almost all of the changes that you suggested, although to your first point about the first source the author was the coup leaders at the time and put out by official state media so there isn't necessarily one author there, although it is still trustworthy as a source I believe given that it was an official statement published in state media. Super helpful suggestions though thanks so much! @KeeganmQuack

Evaluate the drafted changes
Hello! Overall, I truly enjoyed reading your article. The information was well organized and flowed extremely well! It is easy to follow and fascinating. I also really appreciated the fact that you used many sources that were written in non-English languages, especially Arabic. Below I have written my comments, feel free to take or leave what you want. A lot of it is based on nitpicky personal preference about organization / syntax.

Lead

- maybe split this sentence into many: "Common themes of protest have centered around civil-military relations, slavery (which had only recently been outlawed officially in Mauritania but was still widespread in the country), other human rights abuses the opposition has accused the government of perpetrating, and economic issues." It seems like a lot of ground is covered.

- Perhaps more information about the protests (in addition to their causes / demands) would be pertinent in the lead section

Content

- maybe in the Background section it would be possible to include brief information about previous protest movements in Mauritania. You mention how opposition parties were involved in early movements later on in the article

- what was the government response to the protests before the increased Repression and Violence in March of 2011?

- one of the radio Netherlands articles mentioned information about women and the economic crisis, is there more information about their role in the protests? Could this be included in background?

- maybe it would also be relevant to include information in the background of the article about the relationship between Black Mauritanians and Arab Mauritanians in the protest movement. This is more explicitly mentioned in the "Protests against the census," but not much background information is given

Tone and Balance

- overall, there seems to be time dedicated to both sides of the protest movement in this article. Tone is very balanced and neutral

Organization

- "PresidentSidi Ould Cheikh Abdallahi" - this needs a space

- the last sentence in the "Political Climate in Mauritania" section is quite long and covers two contradicting ideas. Splitting this sentence up could improve readability.

- in "start of protests" section from the original article, the dates are organized incorrectly "20 January" I am guessing these were direct translations from French

- this sentence is difficult to read: "and preservation of what the Place d'Bloques, which they considered to be a national symbol"

- maybe changing the section title "February 25th Movement" to something more specific to the protests. For example, "Group Action and the February 25th Movement". This will differentiate it from the February 25th Movement Wiki article

- The last sentence the "The February 25th Movement" section is extremely long and would be easier to read if cut up into multiple sections

- section titles "Repression of Protests" and "Increased Repression and Violence" are very similar

- Last sentence in "Increased Repression and Violence" needs to be split into two to increase readability

- "other groups that joined the youth-led movement or staged concurrent protests and/or strikes included unemployed individuals, homeless residents of Nouakchott demanding plots of land to live on, temporary workers in state institutions demanding their rights, doctors, students, and professors." - this sentence seems out of place within its section. Maybe it would do better earlier where you first mention that the protest was youth-led?

- Maybe the latter half of the "Timeline section" starting at "the Protests against the Census" could be all placed into its own sub-section

- Perhaps move the first two sentences in the "Outcome" section to the end of the Timeline section. I think this will promote greater continuity in the storyline. After this it might be better to change to "Outcome" section to a "Legacy" section.

Sources

- I am not sure if http://www.pmd.mr/pages/en/article?idTopic=5AF40FD7-550A-8054-0107-1619F042F4BE&idRubric=3419DE22-550A-8054-00C9-0235DCD47834&idArticle=9DB13222-3EC1-E168-016D-154FDA3E491A is a trustworthy source given that no author is listed. However, the information does seem relevant

- It looks like source 13 and source 14 are the same. Only one citation here is necessary. If you re-use to citation when citing it will save both citations in the same location

- In this first paragraph of "Repression of Protests" it seems unlikely that all of that information was located in the YouTube video cited below. Admittedly, I do not know Arabic though and it is possible I suppose.

- I could not seem to find any peer-reviewed sources in your additions to the article. I could not find anything specific to the protests online, but maybe it would be helpful when talking about context / background. Here is a book chapter I found on Jstor It seems kind of problematic, but it probably has some good information