User:McCupcake31/Seer Bonnet (Ellsworth)/TiaIvy Peer Review

General info
(McCupcake31)
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing:
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists):Seer Bonnet

Evaluate the drafted changes
Hi,

What you have for your article is really great, you are very good at conveying the artist’s intentions behind her work and introducing other related works. Below are a few suggestions you can consider to even further improve your article!

The second section of your article “Background and history” can be split into further subheadings to clarify the structure of your article, so that readers can get a sense of what the paragraphs are about just from glancing at the subheadings. Consider adding headings such as “Influnces of Morman polygamy” “Significance of titles” and “Influnces of Religion,” etc. Having a new section whenever you shift your topic will further enhance your amazing work!

I noticed that you have a few longer sentences such as this one: “Sister-Wives is a collection of performances from 2009 to 2014 that all focus on those unseen within the history of the Mormon church, the sister-wives. Like Ellsworth's other work, the idea of non-heteronomitivity is interweaved into the performances that are composed of dancing, photography, videography, costumes, props, music, and interpretive choreography."

And this sentence: “The thesis of this project is to explore the dynamics of polygamy created within the early Mormon church and in the same breath explore modern queer dynamics of the family and relationships.” I suggest rewriting these long sentences into multiple simplified, concise sentences of that are easy to understand for the reader. Make sure you write in simple sentences throughout your article.

I suggest hyperlink words such as “the Manhattan temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,” “The Mormon church,” “polygamy,” "heteronomitivit," etc for the reader’s convenience.

In the lead section, you mention information that is not stated elsewhere in your article such as descriptions of the base of the bonnet, the material used for the bonnet, etc. However, the lead should not include any information that is not present in the article, it should be a brief overall summary instead of introducing new information.

These small details will make your page look even more better, and I look forward to re-reading your article!