User:Mcharvis

My life has a weird way of working out the kinks over time. It hasn’t always been easy, but I have definitely developed a unique personality during my lifetime. There are many elements that have contributed to creating the mold from which I am forged. Life in the South, politics, and social status play key roles in defining who I am today. Others like experiencing homelessness, relationships, and the pursuit of a neutral attitude are putting a rigorous fine-tuning on the finished product I call “Life.” I’m not sure how things will pan out, but I am interested to find out. Growing up below the Mason-Dixon Line is certainly different from anywhere else in the country. Parents instill different values in children like the importance of religion, proper manners, and hard work. It’s interesting how hard work is the only thing that has a significant amount of equity in my life. My hometown of Clarksville, TN is a place where everybody knows everybody. You could call a wrong number, but you would still talk for 15 minutes anyway. I moved a lot with my parents and, as I look back, I have developed a need for stability. So, it’s ironic that I have moved quite a bit since I left home. My parents divorced when I was 11 years old. For some kids, divorce can inflict a pretty malicious blow to their emotions. However, I wasn’t affected at all. Is it odd for children to have an ever-constant emotional state? After all, it seemed normal for me. I never cried at funerals; it took a lot to make me laugh; and I certainly didn’t have any negative feelings about the separation of my parents. Therefore, I never imagined these events would carry over into the individual that I am today. Subsequently, I often remind myself to listen to other people’s opinion, but develop my own. This tenet has found it’s way into my political views. I find that some political views find alignment with some moral beliefs. Thus, there is a level of pride received when one chooses what’s right as apposed to what is popular. I am not sure where I developed my stance on politics. My parents never provided a significant political influence. After all, they are Democrats. I wouldn’t consider myself to be an extreme conservative. Currently, I have some Democratic views, but I definitely lean to the right. I believe in personal responsibility, limited government, free markets, and a strong national defense. I believe the government should provide people the freedom necessary to pursue their own goals. I am for the death penalty, capitalism, gun control, privatized healthcare, war, change in Social Security, lower taxes, and the opposition of welfare and illegal immigration. On the other hand, I do possess a couple of Democratic views. I am pro-choice and I am for same-sex marriage. I don’t often associate my observation on the world as a political view, but personal beliefs. So, it is my personal influence, not political, that has paved the way for this way of thinking. Eventually, my move to California from Tennessee in 2001 played a big part in the person that I've become. Upon arriving, I was bombarded with what Orange County considers socially acceptable. I have to say that it seems like a pretty good fit for me. Appearance is important. Money, cars, and lifestyle are all important. Coincidentally for me, I have never had a problem with social status. As a child, I came from an upper-middle class family. My father is a Homicide Detective; my mother is Director of Nursing. Both my parents wanted my sister and I to have a privileged lifestyle. Thus, I am content that I have been able to manage this on my own. Associating myself with people outside a similar social status is not the norm. After all, rich people think differently than the middle-class, while, the middle-class think differently than the poor. I have developed my own groove in this pyramid and constantly strive for altitude.

At the same time, this journey of adulthood has proven itself to be difficult. There have been good times and bad times. Nonetheless, it’s funny how the bad times are always horrible and are much easier to recall when making decisions about the future. My mind is often plagued by one particular event from my past. Currently, it replays itself over and over like a broken record. In 2003, I had decided to contact an old girlfriend in hopes of reuniting. She agreed. However, just as luck would have it, I found myself in a disagreement with a person I was living with on the day of the reunion! As a result, I found myself homeless. Not like the homeless where you can just go check into a hotel or stay with another friend. I’m referring to the “sleeping on the street” homeless. In the meantime, I didn’t want my old love to worry, so I told her I was just going to stay with a buddy of mine. However, I found myself between a dumpster and a brick wall behind a Goodyear in Santa Ana. Twenty-one days. Twenty-one days is the amount of time I spent on the street. It gets cold in January. It rains a lot, too. It rained nearly everyday I was dispossessed. Outlook on life sure is different when you have $20 to your name and you pray every night that an angel will come and save you from your concrete hell. I prayed that my first paycheck from my new job would find a speedy path into my hands. However, it did not. What I thought would only last 5 days…took three weeks. My new-again girlfriend was supportive. She would come to see me and sometimes bring food or pay for a hotel so that we could have “alone time.” I wanted so bad to stay in that hotel that night to get out of the rain, sleep in a bed, and to be dry and warm. She didn’t let me. She didn’t want me to have to walk so far to work. Before, I wished she knew what she was dropping me off to. It seemed like an eternity, but when nightmare was over, I had developed new opinions on life: if you want something, you have to obtain it yourself; a calloused heart is not easily repaired; and angels, apparently, don’t exist. I’m not sure if I’ll always feel this way, but the reoccurring nightmare has definitely had a presence in my life since my “Mental Augmentation.”

Soon, I learn that sharing your life with another person has specific benefits and rewards. It can also have it’s downfalls. When I decided that I was going to get married, I didn’t know how important things could become that weren’t so important before. Things like money, careers, and goals become more important than parties, shopping, and vacations. Eventually, we made the decision to get married and set a date for January 2007. If I knew that decision would actually be the end of my relationship, I wonder if I would have still made it. After the engagement, I learned new things about my fiancé that I had overlooked before. Things like her stance on money, careers, and goals. She informed me that she wanted to spend money, but not earn. She wanted to stay at home and not to pursue a career path. She didn’t have goals and constantly informed me that she disagreed with mine. I was supposed to cook for myself, clean for myself, and take care of myself. I was just supposed to support the both of us. I’m not a marriage expert, but that didn’t sound fair to me. Conversely, I often battled myself and my family trying to determine if getting married is something that I truly wanted to do. In the end, I called it off. The break-up was horrible and definitely added to my already calloused heart. As usual, I pressed on. Sometimes I ask myself how life would be different if she had just lied. What if she just agreed with me to get married and after retracted her avowal? As I look back, I wonder the benefits of marriage. What does marriage offer people they couldn’t possess outside being married? I don’t know yet and maybe I’ll find out one day. Marriage for me in the future is vague, but if it happens, it will be with the right person. That person will have to meet the necessary “checkpoints” for me to be comfortable with the idea. I have thought about enjoying the rest of my life single and I am okay with it. I can’t be sure that this state of mind is not of my own design. However, I do think that marriage can help relieve me from my present logic and destroy the idea of being so critical of everything.

In my recent years, I have found the importance of surrounding yourself with positivity. This plays such an important role in my life that I have managed to filter out almost all of my friends. Some people are negative people and since recently I need much more positive influence than others just to maintain a normal lifestyle, I have had to push these people out of my life. Maintaining a neutral attitude has proven itself to be a constant challenge, given my past. However, I find that it is getting easier and easier as the months go by. I do not miss my childhood and I find comfort knowing that giggles, bubblegum, and sunshine do not change the world. Often times, it’s attitude that assists in achieving this goal. A wise man once said, “It is attitude, not aptitude, that determines your altitude in life.” Nothing is more factual to me right now and I look forward to the altitude that I’ll achieve in the future.

I am happy with the person I am and the person I’ve become. I have no regrets and often recall on the life lessons that have made me who I am today. My pursuit of normalness has increased my maturity and decreased uncertainty. Southern life, politics, and social status aren’t likely to change. Experiencing homelessness, relationships, and pursuit of a neutral attitude won’t always act as a guide in deciding my future. However, I find certainty in knowing that these are the things that have clearly provided explanation on why I’ve become logically critical.