User:Mel6930/Judge Bernadette D'Souza/Literally Legally Blonde Peer Review

General info
(provide username) Mel6930
 * Whose work are you reviewing?


 * Link to draft you're reviewing:User:Mel6930/Judge Bernadette D'Souza
 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists):No Article Available

Evaluate the drafted changes
The Lead: Good lead, but add the date of birth in parentheses after Bernadette D'Souza's name. Bold her name as well.

Early Life and Education: Good information about her early life. I would maybe add her spouse's name in the sentence about meeting them at University of Mumbai if available. I would also break up the sentence about her taking a job in Tehran from her getting her degree in psychology. I would also break up this information into separate paragraphs in general. It is a lot of information in one big chunk. Also, where did she intern during law school?

Early Legal Career: good information, but I would rewrite some of the sentence structure. It feels quickly written in some places. Example: "Here she worked and managed cases in family law and domestic violence. Here she established a new unit dedicated to domestic violence." This does not specify where she worked, and is also not great use of language. It sounds like how you would speak, not write. Same thing with "She also was for a time an adjunct professor at Tulane" the words for a time are non-specific and not professional sounding.

Civil District Court Service: In the first sentence there is a grammar mistake (In 2012 should have a comma after 2012). Also, avoid using the word "this" as the noun of a sentence. "this" what? ALWAYS restate what you a referring to when you use "this." It is improper in formal academic writing to use "this" as the proper noun of a sentence. For example, in the second sentence in this section, "This position on the bench was one of two new specialty seats created..." Several times, "this" is used as the noun of a sentence, so keep an eye out for it!

I would try to find more information on her time as the chief justice. What was the political context, how was she appointed, etc? Throughout this section, there are several comma/grammar mistakes that are repeated. Beneath 2020 Race "Jefferson’s platform was that there were too many delays in the court and that it could be far more efficient" could be rephrased in a better way.

Professional Associations: Suggestion-- maybe list her associations in a bullet point list after saying "Judge D'Souza is currently a member of:" Same with past memberships. I would also list her Awards in a bullet point list instead of a paragraph.

Personal Life: Try to add more information other than her spouse dying. What does she do in her free time? Does she volunteer with any organizations or have hobbies?

References: I think this is a good start for sources and references. Good job!

Overall Impression: The information collected is great, and there are many good sources/references. However, I feel like the tone of the writing is a little bit choppy / basic. Maybe this is just my preference, but this sentence structure is very simple rather than complex, and the grammar feels a little juvenile. For example: "D’Souza’s first job out of law school was a staff attorney at the New Orleans Legal Assistance Corporation in the domestic violence unit." The sentence structure is very bland/repetitive and reads more dull. I would write this something more like, "After completing law school, D'Souza worked at the New Orleans Legal Assistance Corporation as a staff attorney for the domestic violence unit." When you add transition works and connect the grammar to the information more, the flow is better and the tone is more professional sounding.