User:MinnyGeorge23

Jokes

What can run but can't walk? Water

What asks no question but demands an answer? A doorbell

There are 2 ducks in front of 2 other ducks. There are 2 ducks behind 2 other ducks. There are 2 ducks beside 2 other ducks.

How many ducks are there? Four !

YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...

- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

- You start video taping daytime game shows.

- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

- You look both ways before crossing a room.

- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

- You have a dream about prunes.

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

- You can go bowling without drinking.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

- You don't remember being absent minded.

- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

WEIRD JOKES

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself.

A little old man shuffled......slowly into an ice cream parlour.... pulled himself slowly, painfully ... up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis."

Subject: The A. B. Cs of old age Our new alphabet This is so cute. I just had to send it. A for arthritis, B for bad back, C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight--can't read that top line. F is for fissures and fluid retention G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention) H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low) I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, that now fail to flex L for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K! K is for my knees that crack when they're bent (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent) N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck O is for osteo-and all bones that crack P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new! Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu? R is for reflux--one meal turns into two S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears U is for urinary: difficulties with flow V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know. W is worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray--and what might be found. Y for another year I've left behind Z is for zest that I still have my mind, Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed, And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!! I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness & Joy!

ONE LINERS

* How do you know when you're getting old? You start getting wet farts and dry dreams. * How do you make a bunch of old ladies say shit? Shout BINGO! * Did you know there's a new name for Alzheimer's? It's called CRAFT, (Can't Remember A Fucking Thing) * For every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £5000 per month. * My grandmother started walking 5 mile a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

Never Underestimate The Old Guys A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends £5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," was the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl "How old do you think I am?" "I guess about 29." The woman replies. "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,.....how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear. She said, Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed! The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed! This time, he figured he'd better look into it. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. Excuse me sir, could I help you? The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..." The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!''

A little old man's wife died, he went to the newspaper office to put an obituary in the paper. The assistant told him it was £5 per word, he only had £10 so he was going to put 'Nelly's dead'. The girl took pity on him and told him he could have three words for free, so he put in 'Nelly's dead, Mini for sale!"

It was the talk of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running". The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running". The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running". The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

The old man walks into the whorehouse and says to the madam, "I want to get me laid, I hear tell you lots of pretty ladies here." The madam eyes the old man suspiciously and asks him, "Just how old are you pop?" "Ninety two." "Ninety two?" the madam explains, "Hell pop - you've already had it!" "Well then," the old man asks, reaching into his back pocket for his wallet, "how much do I owe you?"

Old man, "I wish I knew where I'm going to die." His mate says, "Why do you want to know that?" Old man, "Well I wouldn't go there!!"

An old couple are on the beach. The old girl said, "What do you think of my flip-flops?" The old boy replies, "Act your age and put your bikini top back on"

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!!."

Old is... Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot. Old is when your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light. Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. Old is when your wife says “Let’s go upstairs and make love”, and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both” And he adds Sure I’ve gotten old I’ve had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92 but Thank God I still have my driver’s licence”

An old couple from a home go out on their first date. Things get a little steamy and they decide to go to bed together. The old woman warns, "Mind, I've got acute angina." The old man replies, "That'll make up for your saggy tits!"

An old couple were watching the chickens in yard. The rooster goes from hen to hen taking care of each one in turn. Lady says "Pa, why can't you do like that rooster?" He answers: Ma, probably could if I had a different chick each time.

Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door. Upon opening it she said "Hi I am your birthday present." He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" "I am yours for super sex", she answers. He replies: "Well I am 90 years old so I will take the soup."

An elderly man calls his son and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up the phone. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares.

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel." "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries? "I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

Grandpa is sitting on the porch enjoying a beer when his grandson joins him Grandpa, can I have a drink of your beer the young boy asks. Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your arse son?". "No Grandpa", replies the boy. That's because your not a man yet son says Grandpa, "When your dick touches your arse you'll be a man, come back then and I'll give you a drink of my beer". "OK Grandpa", says the boy dejectedly. The next day Grandpa is sitting on the porch enjoying a pipe full of baccy when the grandson appears again. "Grandpa, can i have a puff of your pipe", asks the boy. "Can your dick touch your arse son?", asks Grandpa "No grandpa", replies the boy When your dick touches your arse you'll be a man, come back then and I'll give you a puff of my pipe replies Grandpa. "OK grandpa", replies the boy The next day the grandson appears on the porch with a tray of freshly cooked cakes. "Have you got a cake there for Grandpa", asks the old man "Can your dick touch your arse Grandpa?", asks the young boy "Why, it sure can son" replies the grandfather "Well go fuck yourself, Grandma made these for me", replies the boy

Two old ladies were visiting an art gallery where they happened upon the unveiling ceremony for a new sculpture. Being old ladies, by the time the ceremony was due they managed to get to the front. After all the speeches the cover was duly whipped off to reveal a life sized Adonis on a four-foot plinth sporting a 10-inch erection. Both old ladies shot to their feet with a gasp. The first one threw her hands in the air and had a stroke; the second one was a bit shorter and couldn’t reach.

There was this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was tanned all over with the exception of his penis, which he readily decided to do something about. He went to the beach, undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other old lady saying, "There is really no Justice in the world" The other old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first old lady said, "Look at that....... When I was 20, I was curious about it When I was 30, I enjoyed it When I was 40, I asked for it When I was 50, I paid for it When I was 60, I prayed for it When I was 70, I forgot it And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing WILD and I'm too old to squat!!"

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house. After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?" "That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water." "What about you're husband?" asks the model. "Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris. "Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her flower especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred. "Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?" "Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?" "Yes" says Fred, "I have...but the rest of the fucking darts team hasn't."

Three old men were sitting around at the nursing home, discussing ageing. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem." Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

HALEWOOD OLD PEOPLES HOME Upper Hale Road Hale Village near Liverpool

Dear Bill,

I want to thank you for the lovely transistor radio you so kindly sent me. It is all the more wonderful that an absolute stranger like yourself remembers old people like me. I am 80 years old and have been at the house for the past sixteen years. We are treated very kindly, but, the lonely hours are very hard to bear.

My room mate, Mrs James, has a radio, but will never let me listen to it and even switches it off when I come into the room. Now I have one of my very own.

My son and daughter are very nice and come to see me once a month, but, I know that they only come along from a sense of duty.

This is why your gift is all the more wonderful and thrilling to me as it was given out of compassion for a fellow human being. God bless you always.

Today Mrs. James radio went wrong and she asked me if she could listen to mine. I told her to fuck off.

Yours sincerely

Mary Grant.

IF YOU'RE NOT SURE THAT YOU QUALIFY AS A TRUE SENIOR CITIZEN, THE FOLLOWING CHECKLIST MAY BE OF ASSISTANCE:

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. The gleam in your eye is the sun shining on your bifocals. You feel like the morning after... but you haven't BEEN anywhere. You get winded playing cards. Your little black book contains only names ending in MD. Your children begin to look middle-aged. A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable urge. You join a health club - and don't go. You have all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. You look forward to a dull evening. You need glasses to find YOUR glasses. You turn the lights down for economy, not for romance. You can't remember how to start your rocking chair. Your knees buckle but your belt won't. Your back goes out more often than you do. You put your bra on back to front and it fits better. Your house is too big and your medicine cabinet is too small. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. Your birthday cake collapses under the weight of the candles. You decide to live long enough to be a problem to your kids and get your own back.

An old lady's husband died, she is so upset she visits the doctor. Doctor, "What is the problem?" Old lady, "I want to shoot myself, what is the most painless way? Doctor, "You should aim one inch below the breast." The next day the old lady is rushed to hospital after shooting herself in the kneecap

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge.

After 29 yrs of marriage, a woman decided she needed to do something to spice up her marriage. She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, put them on, walked up to her husband and said, "Do you want some of this? "He replied, "Hell No... Look what it did to those panties!"

A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it. "Hello" A deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you." The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour. When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

A ninety-year-old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favourite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said "Sure" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. The old man said "Sure, why?" The doctor replied "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum."

A man visits his ageing father in his new old folks home, his room seems awfully small and his bed is the narrowest he’s ever seen, despite this, his father is delighted with his new home. Later, he meets the sister of the home; "father is delighted to be here, what is your secret?" "Well, " replies sister, " each night we give him a sleeping tablet and a Viagra tablet." " What on earth is the Viagra tablet for? Surely he’s not up to any hanky panky at his age? Asks the man," "Oh no," replies the sister" but it does stop him rolling out of bed at night"..

Why Can't I Wear A Miniskirt?

After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart".

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Mayfair building, when a young and beautiful women gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly," Romance" by Ralph Lauren, £150 an ounce. Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, £200 an ounce. About three floors later the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says "Broccoli 49 pence a pound".

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "one - nil." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" "Goal. I'm ahead one nil." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal, 1 - 1 we're drawing." After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, "Goal! I'm ahead 2 -1" Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says "Goal, I'm equal." He can't fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the old man shits in the bed. The wife asks, "What in the hell was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time . . . switch sides."

An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun "The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded the old man replied "No" The doctor continued "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man 'Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at...." replied the doctor.