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= Staple Milk =

This article is about the fluid produced by the mammary glands of staples.

History
Staple Milk (Stay-Pull Meal-Ka) is a once traditional Italian method of extracting Ragu sauce from the species of stationary know as the staple. This method of extracting the Ragu has recently been popularised by, the soon to be committed, celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal.

While the exact history of how Staple Milking began is unclear, the lore around it surrounds an Italian farmer by day / paper cutting aficionado by night, Gisseppy Capra. It is told that after an extra hard day herding cheese wheels in the Dolomites, Mr Capra decided to spend an evening in the study picking out headlines from national papers to send to his cousin, Petr the Russian.

The article referenced the twins Romulus and Remus who from humble beginnings have turned from being raised by Wolves to the designers and builders of the new city “Rome” (Rome was decided upon because Reme had a bit much of an Essex feel to it).

The article was stapled to the cutting board, but Gisseppy decided that the angle had a little too much Italian flare and would upset Petr’s Russian sensibility. The long day  had worn on Gisseppy and the initial staple was pushed in with such cumbersome force that it required at team of 4 people to help pry it loose (a not unusual activity in the Italian mountains), but during this staple extraction, with combination of olive oil, oregano and sun dried tomato, the first Ragu extraction took place. Taken back, the staple extraction team repeated this process to ensure it was not just the staple. This process was repeated throughout the night and after filling 4 bathtubs with Ragu, the team called it a night.

Modern Day
The more commonly known process of creating Ragu, with tomatoes while singing “Ragu Ragu Ragu, Ragu Ragu Ragu…makes’an Italian out of you” was founded after the Great Italian Papercut outbreak of 1924. This new method was considered a more ethical way, and infinitely cheaper than milking staples, which made the Capra method a forgotten art.

Heston Blumenthal resurrection of this method has been met with a mixed reception with some people saying “I’m still a non-Milker”, “Staples should be left to staple”, “Leave me alone, I’m trying to get these nuts on these bolts, I’m sure they don’t fit”.