User:Mr Christian

Like many other contributors on religious matters, the Supreme Creator and Ruler of the Universe speaks to me, and calls me to do His work. I know that He is the Truth and I am committed to spreading His word. The fact that I benefit from divine knowledge means that I am ideally placed to decide what is and what is not NPOV in Wikipedia, as in the rest of the world.

Here are some successful techniques that I have seen used by people like me, people also favoured by the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, when faced by statements that are not wholly in accord with our religious convictions:

1. Demand reputable citations for any statement that you do not like - however easy it would be to verify them yourself. Delete the offending text until a citation is provided. When it is provided you then have no obligation to restore the deleted text yourself, and if another editor does so, then you can just delete it again anyway without explanation.

2. If a statement is supported by specific examples or by a link to an on-line source, then simply delete the supporting material or the link (saying that it is not NPOV, or too detailed, or whatever) then ask again for exactly the sort of supporting information you've just deleted. You'll be astonished at how annoyed the wicked non-believers will become!

3. If a proper citation is provided, you can dismiss it. You can say the source is biased, or "discretited" or out-of-date. It doesn't really matter what you say because you don't need to support it with any evidence, and lots of other people just like us will agree with you. Guaranteed!

4. If people give a whole barrage of citations that you can't really argue with, don't worry. Your task is actually easier. All you need to do is use the technique described at 3 against any one of the sources. You simply ignore the rest. Just watch God's enemies fume with rage!

5. Don't get drawn into a genuine academic argument. Never give a proper citation. Keep the onus on the wicked unbelievers. Just keep using the techniques above and as a last resort you can say the information is just too detailed for the article in question, and then delete it again!

6. If you're in trouble, just use the network of other Keepers of the True Faith. Many of them have no real lives of their own and have nothing better to do day after day than sit by their computer to wait for a religious article to be edited. As soon as anyone other than a fervent Believer makes an edit, they'll revert it if you don't get there first. Anything showing Christianity in less than a favourable light will disappear within seconds. Praise the Lord! If they happen to miss an edit you don't like and can't cope with, then contact them directly through the True Believers' Network and they'll come riding to your assistance.

7. As a last resort, if enough rational academics have won a battle temporarily, remember they have not won the war. All you need to do is wait a week or too and remove all their edits. They're unlikely to have such sad lives as we do, and will almost certainly never notice.

8. Once you have mastered the basic techniques of manipulating the evil unbelievers you can progress to the more advanced forms of manipulation. This takes some concerted effort - but it is worth it. First you must learn the rules so that you can use them to your advantage. You can twist a range of perfectly sensible rules to suit the line we want to take. Watch the unbelievers squirm with anger when you accuse them of original research, just for concatenating two facts in the same sentence.

9. Above all, remain polite so that to the casual reader you seem utterly reasonable. Sound hurt whenever anyone points outs how wildly you are ubusing the system. Remind them that a conviction that you are in contact with the Supreme Ruler of the Universe does not in the slightest way affect our objectivity. On the contrary, who better than us to judge the Truth! Remind them that they they must put the best possible interpretation on your behaviour - however much you misuse the system and abuse their good faith. Be ultra polite when have done something particularly heinous. Say to your victim "Please try harder to be objective" and watch them fall away in impotent rage! Your ultimate accolade will be to provoke them into "vandalism" and then you will have won hands down. (This requires rare expertise and is probably best left to Ordained Ministers).

10. Deny any involment in 1 to 9, and act as though you feel hurt and mystified if accused.

With just a few more of us, we will be able to maintain an article that confirms that there are no faults at all with our wonderful reigion, that it has suffered great persecutions yet never harmed anyone, that biblical texts are all reliable, that we have never committed vandalism or subverted the truth, that Christian doctrine has remained constant and is free of internal contradictions, that modern philosophers uninimously agree with us, that we have never confronted science, let alone lost any battles against it, and that any critism of any Church is completely unwarranted.

I hope this will be useful to those commited to Truth as I am,

Mr Christian