User:Myousafi/Human rights in Afghanistan/Maalmor Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

Myousafi


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Myousafi/Human rights in Afghanistan


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * Human rights in Afghanistan

Evaluate the drafted changes
I see that you are adding citations to reflect the latest developments in the subject. You are providing evidence of how the issue of women's rights is being currently neglected in Afghanistan. You are contributing to keeping the article updated and that is extremely helpful. It would also be helpful to add a time marker, such as "As of...", so that it is clear how current the information is.

Although all the information in your paragraph is pertinent and important, it is a bit confusing because there's no evident structure or format to make the message clear and concise. If I were you, I would separate the big paragraph into separate sentences, leaving a blank line in between. This way you will be able to re-organize the bits of information into a more logical sequence. Hopefully, you will be able to produce two or more paragraphs that can constitute separate "bite-size" bits of information.

Additionally, I see the out of your 5 references, 4 come from the Indian Journal of International Law. To achieve a better balance, you could try to find a recent statement from an exiled Afghan Women's Rights defender. It is important to give voice to those who are at the center of the issue.

And one last thing, I wonder if you are thinking in Dari or Farsi while you write your draft, because some of the structures are a bit difficult to understand. If you need any help with revising and editing your draft, I'll be more than glad to help, so you just have to ask!