User:Nashley12/History of tuberculosis/Jbuec2 Peer Review

General info

 * Whose work are you reviewing?

User: Nashley12


 * Link to draft you're reviewing
 * User:Nashley12/History of tuberculosis


 * Link to the current version of the article (if it exists)
 * History of tuberculosis

Evaluate the drafted changes
Lead: This article has a poor lead, because it only talks about the early scientific vector of TB, which is a tiny blip of what the article is about. I hope Nashley12 has a chance to update it to fit the article.

Content: The content is befitting to the article, and is all seemingly up-to-date. The article deals with the equity gap of the relation between poverty and TB. Nashley12's addition will add perspective on race/ethnicity.

Tone: There is a good neutral tone to the section Nashley12 will add.

Sources/References: The links work, and they are written by women on the scope of disproportionate infection and deaths for race and ethnicity.

Organization: Nashley12's work will best fit in the section of '20th century,' as that is the time period for her subsection. Some sentences could have greater syntax (for example saying In LA, Mexicans were... rather than In LA, and ethnic group was Mexicans.), as well as defining groups in specifics rather than using they/them/their, which caused me to reread some of the sentences.

Additional Points: The last sentence in 'Treatments' contradicts Nashley12's first sentence. The sentence, "Due to the their low income they reached out to the city of LA..." gives no information on how the city responded to the Mexicans afflicted by TB; the section Nashley12 is creating is titled "Racism and TB," and this would have been a good section to show the racism, but currently racism is not mentioned and the section would be better titled "Race and TB" if racism is not touched on. In the following sentence, "Surfacing throughout the country," is repetitive as we were told that earlier; and saying "The African American Communities" implies that we will get specifics. Urban, rural, a specific county? If it is not specified then the word 'the' is not needed. The following sentence starts with "In the article," but the article name or relevance is not mentioned, and whatever information is gathered is better stated as fact, you almost sound unsure as if what the article is arguing is correct or not. The following sentence, it may be good to mention the article by name or the statistical analysis group that collected the data, which is often done with hard data.

Other than that, this is and interesting topic and I hope to read more about it! Jbuec2 (talk) 01:11, 5 April 2021 (UTC)